So, Joe texted me last night to tell me he agreed with a post my mom posted on my facebook:
Thinking of you today & wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Just remember you mean the world to alot of people. Dont let ANYONE make you feel less than you are! You are a beautiful, caring young lady who deserves to feel that way every day. I love you!
And he said he was sorry if he ever made me feel that way and he apologized for facebook stalking me now, which I don't mind and I told him as much.
I asked him if he was doing any better and he said no, and I told him I was the same, and then he asked if I was home because he wanted to come talk to me but that it might be a bad idea. I said I didn't mind and then he came over.
Before he came over, I was freaking out. I was so nervous. I was scared he'd ask me to come back and that I'd say yes. I knew I'd cave. But my friend told me to be strong and gave me some really great advice.
Joe got there and then just reiterated everything he had said in his texts and over the phone. That he still loved and cared about me. So much so that he couldn't hold me back. That in a couple years, I'll have on facebook that some guy is making me very happy, and he'll be alone, watching. He said that I was just another of the people he's hurt in his life. He also said that he has no one to talk to about all this. No one wants to listen anymore.
I was proud that I didn't cry once. I teared a bit a couple times, but nothing too bad. Then he apologized again and lifted me up so that we were hugging. And then he pulled on top of him so I was straddling him. He asked if it was crossing the line if he kissed me. I said no, and we made out for awhile.
He asked me what I was thinking about. And I told him nothing, and he gets made when I say that because he thinks I'm just holding back what I really want to say. But, the truth is I was just taking everything in and enjoying being with him in that moment.
Then he said he had to go, and he got up and I walked him to the door. He pulled me in for another hug, and we started making out again, and he told me he wanted to jump in bed with me, but he was too confused and vulnerable. And that it would probably make it harder for me if we did that, but I told him I didn't mind, that I wouldn't stop him from doing what he wanted, and he told me by doing it, nothing would change. But I was okay with that. We got a little hot and heavy, but then he pulled away, kissed my forehead and left.
I almost started crying. I mean, he didn't even say goodbye. I had no clue what he was thinking. And he was right. I was very vulnerable. But, then, there was a knock on my door, and when I opened it, he was standing there. He came inside, pushed me up against the wall and things went amazing from there. He left right after, and I haven't heard from him since.
I am oddly okay with all of this. I don't hurt because of it. I don't think he used me. The talk we had only confirmed what I already thought. I'm not confused about us or anything. The hurt and pain is going away.
And today, my dad came up. The car I have been driving has been in my dad's name, but today, he signed the title over to me. It is now in my name, and I finally got a South Dakota license and new plates for my car. Looks like South Dakota will be my home for awhile.
It was so nice to have my dad come up here. He always knows how to make me feel better.
