When I was 18 and graduated from high school, I looked like this:
I wasn't really pretty or anything. I wasn't really ugly, either. But, I didn't think I was special. I had this guy I had had a crush on since Kindergarten. His name was Nolan. In the fourth grade, I remember sitting next to him and he'd tease me the way boys do when they like a girl. In junior high, he was the only boy that would dance with me. MY friends set it up that way because they knew I had a massive crush on him, but that was okay. For once, I was dancing with a guy. And not just any guy. The guy I was crushing on. A couple of my friends would ask him out or ask his friends to put in a good word for me, but he always said no.
I was going through terrible self esteem issues around freshmen year, too. My parents really wanted me to get in with the cool girls. And I already hung out with them every day at basketball practice. And I was nice enough with them that they were nice back, but we weren't good friends. They had guys all over them; they had friends that were guys. I had no one other than my friend Kerie. And she was just getting a new boyfriend and would leave me to hang out with him.
One time, we were out driving around, hanging out. Her boyfriend called and wanted to hang out with her, and she said, I'll just drop Nikki off and come over. I remember being pissed because WE were supposed to hang out. But, she just left me. She would talk badly about me to other people and walk all over me. Use me for my homework. Luckily, everyone knew I was genuinely nice, so they didn't believe her and told me I should quit hanging out with her because she was using and manipulating me. But, I was her only friend. I didn't want to leave her. Plus, she was my only friend. Without her, I had no one. It didn't help that my parents hated her. So, I always felt caught between.
I also felt as though the reason I didn't have any boyfriends or guys interested in me in the least was because I was fat. My dad would always tell me that if I could lose twenty pounds, I'd be better, faster. Sports dominated my life. And I was a bit heavier set for an athlete. But, look at this picture.
I'm not thin. I'm not fat. I'm average. Sure, I could stand to lose some weight. But that was me, and I was in sports. I wasn't losing weight. I was what I was. I wish I could have been as confident in my skin then as I am now. I was such a shy, innocent girl who hid behind her studies. I needed to be good at something concrete since I wasn't pretty to get me anywhere else.
I remember by senior year, my mom or grandma would ask why I didn't have a girlfriend. I was 'so pretty, I must have all the boys asking for my number'. Why is it only moms and grandmas and aunts and family members think that? Do they say that to make you feel better? I didn't have one guy looking at me, and I was sad as fuck about it. But, I just said that since I knew I was leaving after graduation that I wasn't looking for anything, and they'd leave me alone.
But, then end of May, I started IMing Jozef, who had gone to my school for a couple months before transferring away. He came back to my hometown and we reconnected, started hanging out, then started dating. I really liked him. He was into basketball like I was, was sporty, we shared the same opinions, we got along so well. I still say that out of all the boyfriends I have ever had, I had the most fun with Jozef because we'd go out and do things. Like, we'd go play basketball for three hours and then go for ice cream or something then come back and watch tv. One day we went to a park and just walked over the bridges talking about each other and whatever. Other times, we'd game together for a few hours then we'd go play tennis with his friends. We did things.
He told me I was beautiful a lot, gave me nice compliments.
But then he went to college, and we still talked and hung out as much as we could, but when I went to my college, he suddenly got scared I'd change for the worse and become a partier and have all these guys giving me attention that I would cheat on him, so he broke up with me. Then he deleted me on facebook until three months later and tried to apologize for how he acted and told me he still loved me yada yada yada. Turns out he had left me for someone else. And I found out through one of my other exs he had been cheating on me our whole relationship. Well, he married the girl he left me for because he got her pregnant. And he told me the only reason he stayed with her was because I wouldn't take him back now that he had a kid.
Here's a break down of my other bf's.
Mike- we were together for only like 3 months, but only really saw each other for two weeks. When we first got to together, we went on walks around the campus and watched movies together. But never actually watched movies because we made out through the whole thing. And he wasn't that great, so I got bored. But he broke up with me over the summer because he had met someone else.
Jesse- high school classmate, who I actually had gone to prom with senior year. He had actually ditched me after prom. But, he asked me out because I told him I was into anime. When we hung out, all he wanted to do was touch me and make out. That's it. But he wasn't good at either, so I never enjoyed that and didn't want to. I wanted to do other things. I actually wanted to watch the fucking movie we had in. But he really really liked me. He wasn't really sporty at all and hated kids, and he knew I loved kids and sports, and he tried so hard to impress me and convert his views. And at first it worked. But then, he started getting a little too bold and told me that my brother was an asshole, teased me for putting my family first, and gave me shit for being kind of a tomboy. He was friends with Jozef and would talk to him about me. And then would tell me he was talking to him, but then wouldn't say what about. We had a long distance relationship since we went to college three hours apart from each other. And he'd call me every single night to tell me how to solve calculus problems and how he was vamping up his pokemon party. I tried to be interested, but I wasn't. Then he got really mad and jealous when I hung out with my friends, and if I was busy, he'd call me like twenty times to try and get me to answer. He wasn't nice to me, but he didn't see that. I ended up breaking up with him because I didn't feel the same way about him as he did for me. We were together for 3, almost 4 months.
(Before I go on to Joe, I want to interject something else. Remember me talking about how anytime any guy tried to do anything sexual, I just never enjoyed it and got really bored with it? I was so scared I wasn't gonna enjoy sex. I mean, nothing they were doing down 'there' felt good to me. I mean, at first it did, but after a minute or so, it was no different than them rubbing a circle into my palm or something. It wasn't good. And I didn't have anyone to tell me they just weren't doing it right. But, I just want you to all know, if it doesn't flip your trigger right now, they aren't doing it right. PM me if you want to talk about it)
Joe- The beginning of our relationship was so romantic and everything I had ever hoped for in a relationship. We talked about anything and everything. We could be together and not have to say anything. He actually texted me. He'd tell me he missed me and wished we could just stay in bed together all day. He took me out and we played games together. We played video games, and I got to hang out with his friends. God I fell for him so hard that first month. But with his depression, it made it really hard to stay connected. Everything we talk about was him and his problems. And the one time I needed him-when I thought I was pregnant or miscarrying and ended up being sent home from work and got violently sick and needed him there- he told me he was better off alone than with someone. After that, I didn't really talk about my problems unless he noticed something was wrong and asked me about it. But even then, the conversation always got turned around to him. He made so many mistakes with me. He never took me out, asked me to come over to him at 3 in the fucking morning, asked me to pick him up cigarettes or something (and he knows how I hate smoking), and I was his DD for him and his friends a lot, and he never did anything like that for me. He would tell me how he hated EVERYONE and how he was better off alone and din't know if we would amount to anything. He didn't tell his parents about us because he didn't feel good about us But, I didn't care. I loved him, and I was happy to do anything he asked. I wanted to be there for him. But the one time I make a mistake (by texting him something I meant to text someone else about him- and that wasn't even bad) he wanted to break up with me and never talk to me again. He made me feel so useless, helpless, worthless. So he broke up with me after 10 months because I deserved better. But yet, he still texts me and we still hang out and have sex. But now, he asks how I'm doing and makes me feel better when I have something wrong. He's a better boyfriend now that he's not my boyfriend than he was when he was my boyfriend...
So, for 22 years of my life, I was walked on, pushed into directions I didn't want to go, had my self esteem run into the ground, and felt so shitty about myself in relationships that I'm just not sure what I want to do. I mean, Joe was my first love, what if I never find that again? I mean, I didn't feel that way about any of the three previous guys. So, I was scared I wouldn't find better.
But you know what? I believe I will. I am more confident about myself now. College changed me in so many ways. I am a brand new person, and the world sees that new light about me. I have guys hit on me at work, and I have guys text me and want to hang out and date me. Even though I don't feel the same way about them, there are guys out there. I have people that are interested, and that proves to me that it is possible. I'll find it.
As of right now, I'm trying to get Flynn to ask me out, which it isn't going all that well because he's so busy all the time. But, he texted me today out of the blue to tell me to have a good day, which means he thinks about me.
Then I have dick picks Joe (read previous posts for this guy) who is talking about coming up here in June, and I told him I don't do casual flings, and he's like, who says it has to be casual. So, I don't know what's gonna happen there.
Rich, of course, who has already been hitting on me and asking me out. He wanted me to go bowling with the old gang minus Joe, but I told him I didn't feel comfortable doing that because Joe wouldn't be there, and I didn't want to put everyone in a weird position by me being there. But, I don't want to date Rich, no matter how nice he's being. He can just be very annoying to me, and I'm not physically attracted to him at all.
Steven, who used to go to my high school, texts me good morning texts and is always texting me about how he wants to get together with me. But, he just isn't my type, and he was so weird in high school. Not that weird isn't a good thing, but just not my type of weird, you know?
But my whole point is that you can be burned at every single passing in your life and still come out on top. How? Attitude. You just have to be able to look at the world through different perspectives.
