I don't really know what true depression feels like. I've never really been depressed. Sad, sure, but that's about it. But, for the past three weeks, I can understand what it might be like, on a small degree.
Yesterday is the first day Joe's contacted me since Sunday's fiasco. And it was to ask if Rich was still texting me. Turns out Rich said some shit to Joe or something Monday night-after Rich texted me and asked what happened between Joe and I. He said he wanted to know because "he isn't being left alone to the point of nearly killing himself monday night, and he wants to know what is being said behind his back"
When I asked him what was going on, he told me nothing. and I told if it clearly wasn't nothing. That I wasn't talking about him behind his back. When I talked to Rich, I only ever told him the truth. I hoped he never would have thought I would do something like that.
And he said, "Well, you are answering his questions... you didn't ask to be texted but you don't just say to be left alone... no one does... they realize it's bullshit but still come to me accusingly. Sorry... just really fed up and upset to the point I can barely breath and tried to OD. In the end, everyone can do and think whatever they want... just PLEASE leave me out of it..."
I replied: "This makes me feel like this is all my fault. And maybe it is. I don't know. And I feel like you hate me for it. Maybe I deserve it. I didn't ask for this. But, I'm too nice and trusting of people. And I didn't tell Rich lies. I told him the truth so it's not like I'm making things up about you"
And he just went "idc"
And I was really upset because here I am thinking our estrangement is all my fault, but I have no clue why. I have no idea what I did wrong. And he doesn't care about it. So, I said: "I know you don't. I still care about what happens to you, but it's nice to know you don't care about me anymore. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm sorry you hate me now. I'm sorry for everything I ever did. But I hope one day you can be happy."
And he went "Really... that's what you think? Alright then."
I responded with: "I don't know what to think. You seemed so angry at me on Saturday, and then you haven't spoken two words to me since and then you're telling me you don't care and this whole conversation makes me feel like you think I'm talking crap about you when you should know I would never do that. What would you think in my situation?"
And he calls me and asks what I want from him. And I told him I wanted to know why he was so mad at me, what I did wrong. And he said he was hurt that I had compared him to my exs. But I hadn't compared HIM, I compared the situation I found myself in to be similar. That's it. And then he was telling me that if I don't like Rich and I know that he likes to make shit up, I shouldn't even be talking to him- that I should basically tell him to fuck off. But, he should know me better. He should know I am not able to be mean to a person like that. I can't ignore people. I feel too terribly about it. And the whole thing with Rich making shit up? He exaggerates shit. Doesn't make shit up out of the blue. And he was right about Joe and Annie having been together a long time ago that Joe failed to tell me about. So, how am I supposed to know when he's gonna be right or wrong? Plus, I've been cheated on before. In much of the same situations. So, I felt justified in asking. I needed the clarity.
And then Joe tells me he tried to overdose on his meds Monday night, and I can't help thinking it's all my fault. I mean, if I hadn't talked to Rich on Sunday and just ignored him, he wouldn't have been able to put that seed of doubt in my head, and Joe and I would be happy right now. But no. I had to do what I knew I shouldn't. I knew I shouldn't have paid any attention to Rich.
I texted him later and asked where we stood, that I wanted to still be friends, and he said he didn't think we'd ever be how we used to. And I sent a text that read: "See, when you say that, how am I supposed to think anything other than it is all my fault? It is making my physically ill to think how happy we were satuday night and then because of me we are where we are. I hope you believe me when I say I'm sorry, and I would work at getting us back to where we were, if you wanted."
And all he says is I do believe you.
Never once does he deny that this is my fault. So, that means he really does blame me. This is all my fault. And I hate myself so much right now.
Sitting here, in this pain, makes me wonder if this emotional pain is what drives people to cut themselves or physically hurt themselves. Like focusing on physical pain would be better than the emotional shit I don't want to deal with, that makes me feel sick, terrible, and awful. I don't harm, nor would I ever. But, I think I can understand the feelings, the wanting behind it all.
I just hate what all of this is doing to me.
I would be fine if Joe would really just leave me alone. I was doing fine, moving on in the days he wasn't texting me. I figured we weren't going to talk anymore, that he wanted nothing to do with me. And then he texts me yesterday, and it all comes crashing back and makes me feel worse. I just want to feel normal. Happy. And I haven't felt that way in months. Like, I can be happy in the day, and I can always find reasons to smile and be okay, and I can be normal. But usually at night, I just want to cry. All the time. And I can't keep being like this. Something needs to change, but I don't know what to change or how to do it.
