I have read plenty of books, heard plenty of songs, listened to many tales, saw many examples of first love. First love is magical, surreal, special, amazing, and wondrous. All the songs make sense. They can do no wrong. Or, the wrong they do is easily forgiven and second chances (and third, fourth, fifth, so on) are given.
I have experienced this love. A love so intense, I forgave everything and anything. He said jump, I asked how high. I did anything he asked, and I enjoyed it. I found faults aplenty, but that was why I loved him. I loved him despite all the things he hated about himself. I accepted him. We had our fights and arguments, but I never felt as though he didn’t care about me.
Honestly, I cannot convey properly how he made me feel, how desperately in love with him I was. And still am.
My first love has depression, and he goes through periods of wanting nothing more than to be alone, to die, to suffer for all his wrongdoings. And, I could do nothing but stand back and watch. I was there if he needed me, but more often than not, I was pushed away. And, as much as that hurt, I was okay with that because I understand that some people need alone time. And I was willing to give him the space he needed, even if that meant not seeing him more than once every couple weeks. I tried to limit my texting to only once a day so as to not annoy him, but I wanted to make sure he was still alive, that he hadn’t done what he had threatened to do. I got up at 3 in the morning to go lay with him and hold him when he asked. I was there when he needed me. It didn’t matter that I had to be at work at 7. Our age difference and generation gap was hard sometimes, but it never bothered me. I was with someone on my maturity level, and I loved it. I made every effort to get into the things he was into so we’d have more in common. I got along well with his friends and roommates. I put my whole heart and soul into a relationship that would change me in more ways than one.
After 10 months, he broke up with me because he said I deserved better, that I’d be able to find someone to make me happier than he could. To anyone’s ears, it sounds like a line he was feeding me, fake. But, I know he truly meant it.
To be honest, I agree with him. I do deserve someone who can give me the time I need, someone who is there for me when I need them, someone who I can talk to and wants to get to know me, to learn more about me. Someone whose shoulder I can cry on.
But, even though we broke up in May, we still hang out and talk. I have not been given time to move on, and I haven’t at all. I thought I did. I thought I would be okay to talk to him and act like nothing’s changed. But, I still love him so very much.
I can’t wait for him. I can’t get back together knowing my parents and friends hate him. I can’t be with him if he doesn’t change. I can’t put my life on hold for him, as much as I want to. I like the arrangement I’m in because he’s still in my life.
But, now, a really great guy has practically fallen into my lap. He’s funny and wants to get to know me. He texts me first, he wants to be with me, and he wants to know more about me. I know without a doubt that if we started dating, he’d make me happy. And, I do like him.
However, I still love my first love so much so that I don’t know if I want to get with this new guy. What if my first love decides he wants to be with me? Do I want to give him another chance? Do I risk losing a guy I could be happy with to be with someone who stresses me out but who I love wholeheartedly and probably always will for the rest of my life.
I know I need to cut my first love out of my life so I can have a chance to heal and move on. But, I can’t cut him out of my life. I really can’t do it. It would be like losing a part of myself, and I’m not sure I’m ready to do that.
I’ve never felt so lost as to what to do.
