I'm in shock right now. Really numb. One of my best friends' girlfriends killed herself this morning. My friend, Ali, texted me this morning when I was at work, and I just couldn't stay at work, pretending to be happy. So, I left 4 hours early. I'm at home now, doing laundry. Trying to stay busy. This is the saddest fucking news I have heard in a very long time.
I think something that is just as terrible as living through the ordeal is being the people who you tell who can't do a damn thing for you. I know I don't hurt as much as Ali does. I will never fully comprehend what it's like to have the love of your life commit suicide. She has to have all these doubts running through her head.
But, here I am. I have all these terrible things and feelings overcoming everyone important to me, and I just have to sit there, taking it all in, absorbing all of their pain, seeing how hurt and devastating it is, and I just have to watch. I can't do a damn thing.
I picture it as though I'm in a circle with all of my friends around me, and I'm in the middle, spinning, watching everyone blur by me. All I feel is pain, suffering, sadness. And, as I'm spinning, they're all crowding around me, suffocating me. I can't breath because I'm trapped with no way out. The only way out is if I burst through one of them, hurting them, which I'd never be able to do. Each individual person is an extension of me. Like an arm. Losing any one of them would hurt me more than anyone would ever know.
I'm getting to the point where I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. This isn't about me. I get that. I probably sound selfish. I mean, I'm not the one whose heart is in a million pieces. I'm not the one who has to try to sleep through the night and to wake up in the morning and try to find the motivation to get out of bed and go through my life, to go back to the way things were. To go to work, to smile, to laugh. To do all the things she will never be able to do anymore.
But, here I am, feeling about as worse off as anyone can feel, and I have to go about my life and do all those things. And because all of my friends are depressed and miserable and going through all of these terrible things, I feel like I should suffer with them. I don't think it's fair that I get to be happy and they don't. I'd trade my life for at least one of them to be able to be happy.
I went out with Joe last night, and everything was going really great, and we were in the car, and I asked him where he wanted to go, and he said I don't care. I asked if he wanted to come home with me, and he said he didn't care. Well, I told him I now have a roommate, but that shouldn't be a problem, and he's like, just take me home. Didn't want me to stay or anything. So, I texted him as I was driving home asking if it was a problem I had a roommate. And he's like, I wouldn't know where they'd sleep. And, I'm like, on my futon. Like, did he think they were sleeping with me? What the fuck. But, I was like, that's why I wanted to stay with you, and he's like, but it was weird when you left last time, and I was just like, why was it weird, I didn't think so. I can handle myself. I just want to be with you when I can. And he never responded. So, this morning I texted him and asked if I annoyed him when I texted him, and he just said that he hates texting. Which to me is a yes. I said back: I know, I just feel like I'm bothering you all the time. And he hasn't responded. It's been 4 hours. He's not working, it's his day off. So, I know he's not too busy to respond. He's just being a little shit. He just confuses the shit out of me and I don't know what to do about it. So, that was a great start to my now really shitty day.
Then, when I found out about my friend's ex, I told Nate (We'd been sexting up until I found out), the guy who wants to just be friends with benefits, and he was like, wow, I don't know what to say, and I was like, me neither. I don't know what to do, and he's like I don't know what to say anymore because I'm still in 'that mood'. And I'm like, well, I'm not. And he quit texting me after that. Like, really? You're not going to ask how my friend is or how I am holding up? Just going to not support me at all. Wow. Just wow.
I just feel useless, helpless, and weak. Like nothing I do will ever make anything right. Like, I'm unwanted and just a person who can't do anything. I'm just stuck in limbo.
