Before I talk about today's shitiness, I want to recap this past week.
First off, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I know I did. I spent Tuesday-Sunday at home. Usually I get annoyed and frustrated being home that long, but not this time. No, I enjoyed every minute of it.
I was a bit spoiled this year in way of presents. I got a new set of tires and a few other car things done, clothes, a pair of ankle boots, a nice watch, Tangled, the books from the Game of Thrones series, A Kindle fucking Fire.
I hung out with some friends I haven't seen in awhile, which was nice, too.
Friday night, I went to a house party hoping to hang out with this guy F that I met at a wedding a year ago. I think I've talked about him before. He's super nice and cute. Well, I get to his house, and it's just us for awhile. I immediately notice I am not finding him as attractive as I once had. But we were just bullshitting when his brother came over with some other people. His brother, T, and I just hit it off right off the bat. I spent the night with him. He's a cutie. And my own age. WE have so much in common, and I feel so comfortable around him. He's attentive, and he knows how to hold a conversation well. It's great. We've been texting ever since, and we're talking about him staying a whole weekend with me sometime soon.
He invited me to a party he's hosting for new years (tonight) I declined. It's 3 and a half hours away from me, and I wanted to hopefully spend the night with Joe or friends or something.
Well, here's where it gets shitty.
I spent about an hour earlier today (like at 7) trying to get Joe to go out with me or at least let me see him. It doesn't work. He quits texting me for a long time. So I went and hung out with a couple friends and their parents. It was an alright time.
At about 11:30, I texted Joe then and said that I guessed we weren't hanging out anymore, and he apologizes and says he's strugglin and never knows what to do but he really did want to see me and he also had to sign another 6 month lease in the apartment that he hates. And I admited that I turned down going to Lincoln in the hopes of seeing him, and he told me that made him feel worse. I told him not to feel bad, it was my choice, and he said "but I do... i wish I could explain... I just want to feel ok being with you but I never feel like I can" I asked him how I was supposed to take that, that it made me feel terrible. He told me not to take it, to tell him to fuck off. I asked him if that's what he really wants for me to tell him to fuck off. But he said "no, not at all. Usually just trying to do what's best for you"
He told me his heart is broken, and I said not in the same way as mine. He said it was closer than I thought. I told him nothing I do ever seems good enough and it hurts. And he tells me I'm better than good enough. He's just terrible. That he was so sorry for everything I've ever felt because of him.
So I said: "What sucks is that you don't let me think for myself. and you don't believe me when I disagree. I never thought of you as a terrible person even after you broke up with me. I just don;t know what to think when I'm not here, you tell me you miss me and want to see me, but when I come back, it's like you don't want to see me."
He told me I was right but he always hates himself and doesn't know how to change it.
I told him to start listening to me. Believing me when I tell him he's not terrible. And if he still thinks he's being terrible, stop doing whatever it is that makes him feel that way.
He said he doesn't do anything... that what makes him feel most terrible.
I told him to do something then. Easier said than done. I know. Been there. But something needs to happen.
HE said he knows... he's trying... please believe him.
I do believe him. I've seen it. I know it's not easy for him.But I can't keep getting texts from him telling me to tell him to fuck off or that he doesn't feel okay being with me.
And all he says is I know.
So, I'm not sure what's going to happen between us.
All I know is that I'm oddly taking this all okay. I think it's because T has most of my attention right now, and I really want it to work out between us.
I hope you all had a better new years than I did.
