I just finished reading the book Picture Perfect by Jodi Picoult. I really love her books. Her characters are usually so relateable. And this book was no exception. This one hit closer to home than I would have liked.

The story follows Cassie, an anthropologist, falls in love with Alex Rivers, the top actor in Hollywood. Like, Brad Pitt's level. He's super famous, dreamy, the golden boy. They both love each other so much, and they're so happy together. Until one day Alex starts beating Cassie. And she just blames herself. Takes the punches and kicks and continues to love him because he always breaks down and apologizes and promises it won't happen again. But it does. AGain and again. She realizes she's pregnant and runs away. She ends up hiding out in South Dakota with a friend until she delivers the baby and then she goes back to Alex after he promises to change, to get therapy, to be better. But then he skips out on a few therapy sessions, and hits her again. She takes the baby and leaves, filing a divorce and telling the whole world that he beat her, knowing that the only way to get out of this is to make him hate her. That's how the book ends.

While my relationship with Joe isn't that bad, we have similar problems. You take away the physical abuse and the part where they are married, and you have Joe and my relationship.

He ignores me and lashes out about how much he hates everything and everyone, how he wants to leave and never tell anyone. He berates himself and belittles himself. It's the ignoring of me that hurts and his unwillingness to get any help. But after he comes off one of his bad stretches of depression, he apologizes and promises things for the future. And then it never happens. He said he'd get help and go to therapy, but he doesn't.

We both love each other so much that it kills us to leave the other. I forgive him for every time he ignored me or got mad at me for little, stupid things that he really has no right to get angry with me about. I love him and willing to stick it out no matter what. Even if it hurts me in the process because I feel I'm there to help him. I know he's not a bad person. I know there's so much good to him. I know he has such potential to be an amazing person, that we could be so happy. And I stay because I want to help him get there.

But a part of me wants out. I want to leave because I know it's the best thing for me. I know it's what I'm supposed to do. But I can't bring myself to actually do it because I'm not strong enough, yet.