I am so fucking tired. Mentally and physically. I wish I could get out in words just how fucking stressed out I am. And what's really odd is that I don't really have any reason to be. I have so many great things going for me.
My new car, I moved into a better place, I have so many great things to look forward to in the summer, a decent job, etc.

But...

I am just so tired of walking on eggshells around my friends. I love them all, but there are things I just can't take anymore. I hate A's boyfriend. She deserves so much better. My roommate makes me feel like I'm her second choice since she's gotten her own boyfriend. He tricks her into coming into town to see her and then stay with him and ruins our girls night in. If I see her, it's in between her time with him. It's like he's more important than me. I can't say anything to them because they are in the novelty stages of their relationship where the boyfriends can do no wrong and it wouldn't do much good anyway. I'm tired of having to assure people that they are amazing, beautiful, funny, talented, etc when I get none of those compliments back. I'm tired of not knowing what kind of relationship Joe and I have. I'm tired of not having stability. I'm tired of having no consistency with him. I'm tired of being the support beam for people but having no one there for me. I am alone. I feel so utterly and completely alone. I'm tired of having to fake a smile and be okay. I'm fucking tired of not being able to say what I really want because I'm more worried about what the other person thinks of me than what I think of myself. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking who's staring back at me. I hate how I look, how I am acting, how I'm feeling. And I can't talk to anyone because it would do no good. I see A once a week. Why ruin the one night by talking about stupid shit that will eventually go away? E has her own problems that I don't need to add to, not to mention she doesn't have the time for me, so why ruin the little time we do have together. I never fucking know when I'm going to see Joe, and when I do, we hardly ever fucking talk. I'm fucking tired of keeping everything in. I'm tired of hiding my true feelings.

I think I've just shouldered everything for so long, I'm snapping at the seams, and all the negativity I can usually channel elsewhere is coming out. I just need summer so I can get out and go do something physical.

I think that's why lately I would rather hang with my own family. My brothers love me so unconditionally. I'm their first choice. And it's so nice to be wanted. I don't have to compete and walk on eggshells around them. We tell each other everything and know no matter what, everything will be okay. We're family, and that's all that matters.

I just miss feeling being wanted.