I am so lost. So confused about my own feelings. My own wants and desires. I have never felt so utterly confused.
I go through cycles, as you have seen, where I’m pro Joe and then that I’m ready to give him up and move on. But it’s like he knows when I’m pulling back and does or says something to reel me back in, and I just don’t know how to quit him. He’s the love of my life, regardless of how shitty he’s treated me in the past.
I was so ready to move on from him this time. Heck, this was the most confident I have felt that I could do it. And then I went over to his place to help him work through some depressional thoughts, and he caught me again.
He asked if my tweets on twitter were aimed at him, and a good majority are. They are usually retweets of poems and quotes of one sided feelings or about how I feel like I’m fading from his life or something like that. Basically sad stuff. I told him that yes, some of them were. And he got all quiet and just held me in his arms. And he asked why I was even there then. And I told him it was because I still loved him and that I wanted to stay in his life. And he was quiet for so long and I had to prompt him to finally speak. He asked me what I wanted him to say, and I told him, I wanted to know how he felt about me.
He told me he loved me. With such certainty and as though I should have known that and not questioned it. I almost started crying. It had been months since he had told me that. It was such a relief, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders to hear it. He continued to tell me he loved me all the time, and that he thought about me all the time, but him loving me doesn’t matter. But it matters to me. So much. But apparently, that doesn’t change our relationship because he doesn’t love himself. Hell, he doesn’t even like himself. And he can’t be with me until that changes.
But I don’t think it ever will.
And I just don’t know what to do. He told me the words I had been waiting to hear for months and months and months. How can I leave a person who loves me so much that he’s doing the right thing and won’t be in a relationship with me because he knows it’s unhealthy to put me through a relationship with someone who hates themselves. But I also realize that he’s still putting me in an unhealthy place by ignoring me all the time and then once every six months opens up about how he really feels and only ever texting me if he wants sex or needs something.
So now I feel stuck. Lost. Confused.
How can I leave someone who loves me and needs me?