I just want to cry. More so than what I've done since Friday, which is a lot. I feel like absolute shit. My hearts so much right now. I just feel incredibly broken, and I don't know how to put it back together. Everyone says time will help, and I know it will, but that's a sore consolation right now.
I've been hanging out with this guy, Steve, who is so nice, and everything I'd be looking for in a guy. And I mean everything. He came to me and seemed to be really into me. We hit it off great. We had a lot in common; we were communicating, he just understood what I needed, and it was great. We've hung out only a few times. But I knew that if I wanted to move forward with him, I couldn't be with Joe. So Steve was the motivation behind me telling Joe I could no longer be with him.
And then today, Steve texts me to tell me he's got to focus on his career and can't pursue anything with me anymore.
Oh good.
And I forgot to mention that I did go and see Joe in person Friday night. I said my side of things. And he said his. He apologized for not showing how much he loved me, but that he always had and that he would be willing to date me again to keep me. And I told him that him telling me that doesn't change anything because he wouldn't have wanted to do tht if I hadn't brought this all up. We basically spent one last night together. And it was weird because we were talking for once. About silly things. We were laughing, like I hadn't ever said anything. And the next morning, we just laid in bed together until I had to leave for work. You would never have known I told him we couldn't see each other anymore.
Which just now has me more confused. Part of me wants to give him a second chance. If he's willing to date me and be like he was Friday night, it would be perfect. But I know that it isn't what I need. He'd just revert back to how things were before I brought this all up. Been there done that.
But with Steve not wanting to be with me, and me pushing Joe away, I feel so lost. I have no idea what was the right decision. I feel so alone. Only one of my friends knows about what's happening and she can't come see me because she and her fiance have his kids for the weekend. And a part of me doesn't want to see anyone anyway. I just want to crawl back into bed and grieve and cry.
I can't help feeling like there is something wrong with me. Why does no one want to get close to me? Am I repulsive? And people who are in a relationship can't comfort me because they're not where I am. They have been heartbroken before, but all of my friends have barely ever been single, so it's not the same at all, and they don't understand that.
And I can't talk to my family about it because they think I stopped seeing Joe 2 years ago. So I'm just stuck.
And I have to go to work tonight and give fucking excellent service to get good tips. And I'll have to see Steve as we work together, too. So that'll be fun. And then I have to go to work tomorrow and train people at my position. I don't want this. I did this to myself, though, so I better get used to it, but it just sucks so fucking much. I am so tired of crying.
