Thou shall not take Kisame to the pet store or any such establishment in which fish may be purchased.
Kisame awoke to Itachi poking him and saying, “Hey! Hey get up! I need a new seeing-eye animal!” The shark man grunted and rolled back over, knowing that the Uchiha would be fine with Crispy. Itachi did not take kindly to being ignored. The blind man put his hands under the top mattress of Kisame’s bed and lifted. The mattress flipped with ease, and a still-snoozing Kisame was dumped onto the floor rather abruptly. “Itachi! What do you think you’re doing?!” he yelled. The blind man, who was looking at the ceiling, replied, “I said I want to go to the pet store. Now get dressed and stop pretending to be Spider Man!” Kisame started to inform his partner that he was on the floor, but thought better of it.
Kisame dragged himself down to the front door, where he found Itachi trying to go through the wall. “Um, Itachi? That’s—“ “Yes, it’s the door, and it’s handle is missing! Tobi must have taken it again.” Kisame opened the door and simply guided his partner through it.
The two men finally reached the pet store, Kisame trembling in fear after being put through the Uchiha’s Tsukiyomi. After a run-in with a fallen limb, Itachi had decided the shark man needed to be put through 72 hours of Barney. Itachi, upon releasing Kisame, had simply kept walking. Kisame never wanted to see another dinosaur as long as he lived.
The Akatsuki members entered the pet store, receiving many wide-eyed, open-mouthed stares. One young, perky, seemingly-new clerk bounced up to the pair. “Hello, there! Welcome to the store!” she piped. “Is there anything I can help you with?” Itachi looked at a nearby cash register and said, “Kisame, is that the pink-haired girl I hear? You know, the one who likes Sasuke?” Kisame ignored Itachi and said to the clerk, “We’re here to get him a new seeing-eye animal.” The girl looked puzzled. “We don’t have seeing-eye animals,” she stated. Kisame simply took Itachi’s hand and led him past the clerk, saying, “It’s ok. He’ll only kill it anyways and drag the charred remains around on a leash.” The girl stared after the men in shock and horror.
“So, Itachi,” Kisame began, “what type of animal do you want this time?” Itachi wriggled away from his partner and replied, “Just leave me to find my new seeing-eye accomplice.” Kisame did as he was told, fearing another 72 hours of hearing the song “I Love You.”
While Itachi wandered through the store, staring at various objects and mumbling to himself, something caught Kisame’s eye. It was a glass tank in the back of the store. In fact, the entire back wall was lined with these tanks. Kisame went back for a closer inspection. He found the tanks to be filled with water, and in the water swam all sorts of fish. Kisame grabbed a nearby clerk, who happened to be the same girl from earlier. “Excuse me, miss,” he questioned, “but why are these fish in this tank?” The clerk, still a bit horrified, stuttered, “O-oh, I th-th-think those f-f-fish are for e-eating.”
Upon hearing this information, Kisame grew very angry. “What?!” he roared in the girl’s face. “What kind of monster would eat a fish?!” he yelled. The girl simply fainted from fear. Kisame let her limp form drop to the floor and yelled a bit louder, for the entire store to hear, “WHAT TYPE OF RUTHLESS, BLOOD-THIRSTY ANIMALS ARE YOU?!?” The shark man promptly began to overturn the nearest shelves. He then turned to the tanks and said, “Don’t worry, little guys! Big Brother Kisame will set you free!”
Suddenly the manager appeared, looking very frazzled. “Um, sir, could you please not overturn the shelves or yell? You are scaring the customers.” Kisame turned to the manager, his eyes ablaze with hatred, and whipped out Samehada. “Don’t tell me to calm down, you demon!” he thundered at the man. “You fish-eating demon!” Kisame then proceeded to destroy the pet store.
An hour later, Kisame had calmed down considerably. He and Itachi were walking back to the Akatsuki base. “So,” Kisame said, hands clasped behind his head, “what’d ya get this time, ‘Tachi?” Itachi reached into his cloak and pulled out a very frightened turtle. “I rescued this kitten from your rampage,” Itachi replied, attaching the animal to a leash. He then threw it down and said to it, “Let’s go, kitten.” The turtle merely stayed hidden inside its shell, which angered Itachi. “I said, let’s go, kitten!” he yelled, shooting flames at the turtle. It was promptly burned to a crisp. “So, uh, what’s the, um, kitten’s name?” Kisame questioned, knowing better than to inform Itachi of his mistake. “Crunchy,” replied the Uchiha. The two walked the rest of the way in silence.
