Day One
The doctor told me to write down everything. How I felt, what I thought, Everything. He is hoping that it may help my issues. But I know something the doctor doesn't. The reason I am this why is because I was born to a pig of a father and a bitch of a mother. My issues are due to their issues. But the doctor don't want to hear that I am a lost cause. He wants his pay check from my father. He don't care if I stay this way forever as long as he gets the big pay check. So why am I writing in this stupid note book. I have no clue. May be I secretly am hoping it will help? May be I want to rant and scream to something? May be I don't want to only have the words in my head? I have no clue. But I'm writing anyway. I guess I should explain why I have to see a doctor. Well it a common story now a days.
My father wanted a son. He wanted a son with his name, William Richard Way. Instead he got me and my sister. I was the first born but I got the name Alexander Lee Way after my two grandfathers. My sister was named Alice Lara Way just to look close to mine. Well he stared dating a lot of girls. Their ages when from sixteen to thirty. I don't know exactly how many he had tried with but I know only one ever gave birth to a baby boy. Her name was Susan May Goddard, my mother's little sister. She told my father to pick: her and his son or us. He came home with a gun, he choose her and his son. He tried to kill my mother. But he when I shoved her out of the way and kicked his ass, he decided a divorce would be enough. He agreed to pay for my mother's expenses (didn't want her talking), he will pay for me until I am eighteen years old and to going to a counselor and help group (so people won't listen to me), he took Alice with him. He left for Florida and never looked aback. This all didn't bother me. It didn't bother me that he gave up me because I wasn't born with his name. It didn't bother me as much as it bothered me that he destroyed my mother. She had given her whole life to give him all he wanted it when he wanted it. But when he left, she lost it. She stared to strip for lovers, she stared to drink, she started to hit me, she wanted my dad so much she would go out making love just to pretend it was him. She only came home to change, get money, then hit me. That is what bothered me. That he didn't even care is what bothered me to no end also.
Tomorrow I start to go see this group of other kids. They want us to talk about our problems and open up. There is no way. But I still have to go. Not like I had anything to do anyway. Well this is enough for today. Will write more tomorrow. Great fun.
P.S Start school tomorrow. :l
-Alex
Day Two
Today was odd. I'll start in the beginning.
5 am I had group. There was about four other kids. One looked like he was high off his ass. After I heard him talk, I realized he was high off his ass. He looked like the normal homecoming king type of guy. He was built and tall. He had a military hair cut but you could see he had brown hair that matched his brown eyes. Well they looked more black today. His name was Erik Laymen. He was here for drug abuse. He went to my school, but I learned they all did. Next to him was a Gothic girl with scars all over her arms. She was a cutter, as she said. Almost got free from this earth she added with a smile. Her name was Amanda Baker but she told me to call her Scar. The guy next to her didn't say one word. He had short black hair with gray eyes. He had that i-will-kill-you look in his eyes. He wear long sleeved white shirt with a pair of black jeans. He wear a pair of biker boots. He didn't seemed interested in any of this. His name was Johnathon Grace. He was here for assault. The group leader told me that when Johnathon wouldn't take. I liked this guy. The last member was a girl in a fairy princess dress on. She looked like a little kid but she was about my age. Her name was Ella Lewis. She was here for killing her baby. I half wanted to beat her across the room. When the group leader told em to say my name and why I was here I laughed at him as I said, “I am Alex Way. I am here for attempted murder.”Johnathon looked at me shocked. I guess he didn't except that. By the looks on all of their faces, none of them where. The group leader, Danny tried to get us tell our stories.
Scar did. She jumped at the chance to tell us of the pleasure she felt when she cut so deep. When she stopped hearing her parents yelling down stairs about her. She was so said when she said her mother found her too soon. The doctor told her it was here or a hospital. She hated hospitals. Ella told us her's too. She got pregnant when she was sixteen. But she couldn't be a mom she was too young. So she wrapped it up head to... Danny wouldn't let her give us the detail. Good thing too. Johnathon looked pissed, Erik looked sick, and Scar was way to into it. I stayed mute as she told us she was sent here since they know Ella was too young too. I wanted to laugh. They sent her here because she was crazy. Erik told his. He said he didn't do drugs but his friends did. His friend left some in the car and the cop blamed him for it. I really doubted he was innocent. Johnathon didn't tell his and I laughed when he tried to get me too.
8 am School stared. It was odd. I usually had Alice with me but now I walked silently from class to class. Nothing really happened until. Chemistry, my last period of the day. I had came to this school late in the fall, so everyone had a partner but Johnathon from group. He stared at me as the teacher assigned me to be his partner. He set in the fairest corner of the class. He just gave me an odd look the whole time. As Miss Grant talked about proteins I finally asked him, “why are you staring at me?” He looked at me in silence. He just stared into my eyes. After a ten minute staring contest he asked, “you want to leave?” I looked at him confused, “leave?” He looked at me like I was an idiot, “you don't have to be my partner. I suck at Chemistry anyway so I'm no help. If you want to leave, then go.” I gave him a smile, “shouldn't you be the one leaving? I am the one with the worst record.” His eyes darkened. “You don't know what I've done.” I gave him a calm look, “you don't know what I've done. Anyway, I hate being alone. So deal.” He looked at me questioningly. “You any good at Chemistry,” he asked as the bell rang. “Yeah. I took it at my old school last year. Got an hundred in it,” I confessed. Johnathon nodded his head, “okay. Then I'll come over everyday starting tomorrow and you can teach it to me. I need to pass or I'll get held back,” he informed me. I laughed at him. But somehow I ended up agreeing to him. I really do hate being left alone.
5 pm we had group again. Man I was happy it was only on Mondays and Thursdays. Danny wanted us to do trust exercises. Erik though it would be funny to drop me. I thought it was funny to pull his legs out from under him. Danny didn't. So we got a warning. Erik got two. One from him and one from me. Erik didn't drop me next time. No one dropped anyone. Johnathon was uneasy about all of this especially when he had to trust me. But I made sure he didn't have a reason not to trust me
Mom was gone when I got home. I spent all night cleaning up the house trying not to remember that I was alone. When I get alone, I get worried. But that is for a different day.
-Alex
Day Three
6th period At School-
School was once again uneventful. It was lonely and I started thinking about skipping. But when 6th period, I found Johnathon sitting there all alone. I wondered if he felt the same. If he felt lonely in this place. I wonder how long he has set here all alone. It is so sad to think about. I had always had Alice. But Johnathon, did he have anyone. He asked me why I was actually going the journal. They never look at it or ask for it. I only could smile as I laughed, “it gives me something to do.” it was true. Writing even if I found it lame and boring, it gave me something to do. It keep me busy even if only for a minute or two. He keep seeing him stare at me writing. Guess I'll just ask what I am wondering. “Do you want to read it or something?”
He stayed quiet all the walk there. Yeah he read it. Yeah I wanted to laugh at him as he read it. But I wanted to rip it away from him too. He didn't say a word since then. When we came close to my house, I saw a car. “Crap,” I cursed. “What,” he asked. “Mom is home,” I muttered. He looked at the car. “Want me to go,” he asked. I though about it. If mom hit me, what would Johnathon do. I bit my lip, “Nah, just don't be too surprised if she acts crazy. Don't listen to her.” He looked at me in wonder but I was too busy thinking of what may happen.
It was bad. Mom was so drunk. She throw a beer bottle at the door. I had to pull Johnathon out of the way. Johnathon stared at my mother, he know. “My room is the one of the right side,” I told him handing him the key to unlock my door. He looked from the key, to me,to my mom. “I ain't leaving you down here,” he whispered to me in a harsh voice. I looked at him in shock. “John, she is out of it. She might hit you,” I tried to explain. “Or you,” he yelled at me. Mom pointed her finger at Johnathon, “You look just like William.” I felt my hand tighten as my eyes grow. “Don't touch him,” I told her. Johnathon looked at me for a second. “You'll be right behind me,” he asked knowing I needed to get out of here. I nodded my head. Johnathon ran at the stairs. My mom reached at him but she missed him. Johnathon stopped at the top of the stairs looking at me. I was right behind him. When it hit me it the back of the head. I saw Johnathon ran at my mom. I grabbed him and we wrestled. He pinned me then raised his fist and punched me as hard as he could. The two of us froze. Mom had ran out the door by now. “Alex,” he whispered. He touched my bleeding lip. “I...I'm...so....sorry,” he whispered as tears flowed. He tried to run but I held him still. “Johnathon, I'm fine. I understand.” I told him. He just keep repeating how sorry he was. I held him in my arms as he cried.
“When I was younger, my parents used to beat me. Me and my older sister. One day they beat her to death as I watched. I almost killed them. When the cops showed up they didn't know who to arrest.” Johnathon laughed painfully. “I can't stand when I see a someone hit someone else. I lose it and I don't realize what I'm doing. Like when I hit you, I saw your mom. I could really have hurt you.” He said this as he put something on my lip. It sung but not too bad. I looked at his sad face. “I can't stand it either. If she hit you I would have lost it. But if it happens to me, I can take it. My father tried to kill my mother when he wanted the divorce. But after I stopped him, he tried to shoot me, he barely missed mom. I lost it. But I remember it all. When I calmed down I was being pulled off by a cop. Father wouldn't press charges, he needed a good image.” I laughed bitterly.
Tonight as I am writing, Johnathon is sitting over my shoulder reading every single word I put.
-Alex
Day Four
Johnathon came over again today. This time there was no mom. Thank you God. Johnathon and I came up with a deal. I would ask him a question if he got it wrote, I got to ask a personal question but if he got it right then he got to. It was odd. But I liked it. By the end of the game I know the most: One-His sister's name was Kristina. Two-He lived where ever he could find a place to sleep. Three-I told him he had no choose he had to stay here. Four- He didn't know what to make of me. I was so strange and odd to him. But that wasn't a bad thing. I had stayed when everyone else left. Five- He is afraid to lose it one day and really hurt someone. Six- He hated Chemistry the most of the classes he had. Seven- His favorite food was Mexican. Eight- He has lived here his whole life. Nine- His friends decided they weren't his friends anymore. I found it sad and told him I was his friend. He laughed at me. So painfully. That was all for today. But he did get two answers right. One- I put with my mom since she is all I have. I hate being alone. Two- I hate being alone since I start to remember everything. There are things I like to keep hidden even from myself. It is so quiet, the pain just keeps sneaking up on me.
Johnathon sleep in my bed and I took the floor. He didn't like it but when we had a arm wrestling compaction, he lost. Johnathon is a sore loser. I laughed at him. I won't tell him but I'm glad he is over. I hate being alone.
Day Five
3 am I was the first one up. Johnathon slept quietly in my bed. I hadn't asked what he wanted for breakfast in the morning. As I went down stair, Mom was just about to leave. She flashed me a dark grin. “You, You took a William boy from me,” she told me. I couldn't ran to my room. Johnathon was there. “John isn't Father,” I told her softly. She pulled out a knife. The cold metal touched my cheek. “Everyone is mine. Even you.” She cut my cheek in one fast slash. Then she just through the knife in the sink when a car honked outside. She walked to the door in a hurry. Nothing else was said. I bit my lip then headed up to my bathroom. I had to be careful not to wake Johnathon up. The cut was shallow but it was noticeable. I didn't bother putting anything over it to find it. Everyone would notice any way. I turned to see a sleepy Johnathon. He whipped the sleep out of his eyes. I know as soon as he looked up he would notice. I was right. He know who did it too. His arms began to shake. “John,” I whispered. I pulled him into my arms. Even though he was 6 foot and I was only 5'10, I had him down to my level. He buried his face in my shoulder. “I could kill her,” he whispered. “I know, I know” I whispered in his ear. Johnathon didn't calm down for about ten minutes. He still seemed mad at me. “I'm sorry,” I offered as we walked out group. He looked at me with a hard face. “You shouldn't let her hurt you,” he told me for the hundredth time. As we walked down the road, I opened my mouth as red mustang pulled over next to us. I saw my mother with a guy who could be my grandfather. “Want a ride,” she asked us. I felt Johnathon grab my hand and pull me away. He muttered something all the way away from the car. I didn't understand what I did wrong this time. “John,” I asked him. He ignored me then he pinned my to a wall. There was no one around. “I can't believe how mad she makes me,” he told me. I looked at him confused. I was missing something. He leaned in closer. “I like you,” he told me with a serious face. I froze. Johnathon liked me. “Like, Like” I felt like a little kid asking and he only nodded his head yes at me. “Since when,” i asked him. “When you got here, I always really liked you but I guess I fell over this week. I like you,” he confessed to me. I froze. He took my silence as a rejection. He moved to leave, I gabbed his arm, “I like you too.” It was true. Four days, or Four months. It doesn't matter to me. I really liked Johnathon. The kiss was passionate. It told how much pain we both had inside but always how much we needed each other to except us. We didn't know all yet but we would.
That night we made out more times then I could count. Each time we did it made me like him more. “This is my first kiss and first time making out,” he had told me afraid I would think he was bad at it. I smiled at him and said, “same here.” I loved how embarrass he got when he moaned. I love Johnathon.
-Alex
Day Thirteen
My poor little book. Johnathon loses you in my room when I finally let him read it. Well I'll fill you up to date. Nothing has changed. But Scar is a friend of mine now. She is really weird but so am I. Johnathon is still my boyfriend. He hated when Scar told him he was the girl. I only laughed. Life is getting better. It is getting easier to laugh for real now. Mother is the same as always but I except that. But I am starting to understand why she is so hurt. If Johnathon met Alice and fell for her, I would die. AND KICK TWO PEOPLES ASS!-My Warning
Johnathon read all I had today. I loved when I saw him blush. When he was done, he kissed my lips softly then whispered “I like you, Alex. I'm not into girls” I smiled at him, “I like you too, John. Good thing I'm a guy then. Girls are too much trouble anyway” He looked at me, “John?” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Johnathon, happy now,” I asked him. He just smiled at me.
Soon school wasn't that bad. Johnathon and I walked with each other to about all of our classes. In Chemistry, Johnathon's grade keep going up. He still had some ways to go though. “Hey, have you two had sex yet,” Scar asked us when she saw us after school. “No,” I told her. “Go away,” Johnathon ordered her. She gave us a odd look. “You would think the two of you would have,” she stared to rant then just walked away still talking.
“Do you think it is weird,”Johnathon asked me as we walked to my house. I looked at him and smiled. I was his first relationship, he had no idea what to do. “Do you even want to have sex with me,” I asked him just to have him look at me so shocked. “Of course,” he whispered as his face turned reddest I had ever seen. “Then no it isn't weird, I want you to wait until you really want me, really love me,” I told him as I pulled out my Chemistry Book.
The phone ranged at about 5:30. It was my dad. He wanted to ask me if Alice was there. I guess I sounded too surprise to be a liar. I am a terrible lair. Before he hanged up he told me to tell mom she was invited to the wedding this Christmas Eve. I hanged up. That man was so cruel. He know how bad mom was. He know who mom would take it out on. Herself and me, He just didn't care. “Alex, Alex. The phone. Let go of the phone.” I heard Johnathon saying behind me. He had to pull it out of my hand. The phone was bent a bit, but not broken. “Sorry,” I muttered to him. He held me in his warm arms. I really loved Johnathon. “I could kill him,” I whispered softly. He know who, he just didn't know why. I really love Johnathon. I just wonder if he loves me.
That night Johnathon and me sleep in my bed. I heard her before she ever cried. I kissed Johnathon's forehead as I stupidly began to head down stairs.
-Alex
Day Fourteen
It was really early this morning when I went down stair. Mom was throwing everything she could get her hands on. I didn't say I word. I just watched as her wedding picture shattered to pieces. She ran over and pulled it her heart. “Will, Will. Come home. Please.” I heard her cry. The glass was cutting her arms, hands, and knees as she kneed on it. I walked over to her slowly. “Mom, it is okay,” I told her softly. She clutched onto that photo like she was afraid I would take it from her. I pulled out a piece of the glass that was in her arm. “Mom, can you pull the glass out,” I asked her. She just stared wide eyed at me. I watched her eyes change to be dark. “You did this. You killed our family.” I was on my feet. I know when to leave. She stood up and walked toward me. I just keep backing up. “You did this. You had to be the wrong son. Why couldn't you be perfect like Alice. You are gay, you are Alexander, you are dead. I”LL KILL YOU.” She yelled at me. She punched me in the jaw. It hurt but I have had worse. I looked at her. She hit me with the lamp before I could dodge it. “Alex,” I heard my name. But I was on my back. Everything was blurry. I didn't see my mom any more. I set up trying to not black out. I saw Johnathon hit my mom down. He had lost it. I ran at him knocking him to the floor. This time I pinned him. He only got one hit one me. It didn't hurt but nothing did right now. My head still hurt. “Johnathon,” I said his name to him softly. He tried to get out from under me. But I held him there. Mom got the wedding picture then ran outside. She was hurt but she always was in one way or another. Some one would become her newest William tonight. But I didn't care. I just watched the pain in Johnathon's eyes. He was so mad, so hurt. “Johnathon, it is okay.” I said it like it was a promise. He stop struggling to hit my mom, he now struggled to get away from me. “Johnathon, I love you,” I told him. He stopped struggling. He only looked at me in shock. “What,” he whispered to me. “I love you,” I repeated myself. Tears flowed from hi eyes. His arms covered his face. The tears still flowed. “Johnathon, I'll go. I wont hurt you,” I whispered to him. His arms grabbed onto me. “Don't go. Please don't you leave me too. I can't lose you too,” he begged me. Tears flowed out of my eyes now. I don't cry, but yet here I was crying. He pulled me down and I let myself be pulled down. “I love you too,” he whispered to me. We kissed. This kiss tasted like tears. But it held everything in it. It held all we had to give but all the worries we had. That night we made love. I was his first and he was mine. Maybe his last. Maybe my last too. I don't know but I know I love Johnathon.
There was no school today. But we still just stayed home. Johnathon didn't like I didn't go to the doctor to make sure my head was okay. But he was happy that where was only a bump. Mom never was that strong of a hit. I was cleaning up the glass when the phone rang. Johnathon got it. “Hello, Way residents.” I laughed at him. I couldn't help it Johnathon had never sounded so serious. He put me gave me a look as the person on the phone talked. Johnathon handed it to me as he mouthed “your dad.” The conversation was:
Dad- Hello Alexander?
Me- Yeah it is me.
Dad-Who was that who answered?
Me- My lab partner.
Dad-Oh how is...
Me-What did you need?
Pause
Me-Hello?
Dad- Alice is in the hospital. She needs you here, Alexander. Please come even if it is only for a day. I'll pay for it all.
Me-What happened to her?
Dad- You'll just have to...
Me- Don't fuck with me. What happened to Alice?
PAUSE
Dad- She was raped. Now are you coming?
Me- Maybe. What hospital?
Dad- Saint John's
I hanged up. My body was shaking. I could kill someone. But when those arms wrapped around me I was calmer. I could breath, I could think. “What happened,” he asked me softly. I told him everything. “What to go to Florida with me,” I asked. He looked unsure at me. “I'm serious,” I told him to make it clear. “Don't you think they won't like it,” he asked me. I laughed, “does it matter. They don't like me being there. Please.” I softened my eyes. “Using those eyes on me is mean,” he whispered to me. I know I had won. “To get you in a car with me from Georgia to Florida knowing you'll be meeting my terrible family. I need all the help I can get,” I said to him with a laugh. He hugged me, “fine.” I smiled. “Thank you,” I whispered to him.
The hours in the car didn't seem that long. I drove since I know where I was going. Father always liked going to Florida for vacation. So I had been here so many times, that I know it by heart. Johnathon was quiet, “Tell me about your family.” I set there thinking of what to say. “Most of them are dead. My father was an only child. He got what ever he wanted when he wanted it. He got to be a lawyer and inherited more money then I care to know. He is a workaholic and cares for his image more then his family. He used to work tons of hours. I barely remember him when I think about my past. My mother was one of three. But she gave up her family to marry dad. She did everything for him, anything he asked. She loved him to death. She used to be bossy, controlling, and enforcing. But that changed. My aunt Susan had never meet until the Court day. She gave birth to my baby brother and cousin. He is only a few weeks old and I doubt they will want me near him. They think I'm crazy and may kill the baby.” I laughed. “I pity that baby. Well Susan and dad aren't married yet. Alice is my twin, younger sister. She is a lot more easygoing then me, she is smiles and sunshine. She has had a good life.” I couldn't help smiling. Johnathon held my right hand that wasn't on the wheel. “I never have been jealous of her though. Not when dad choose to take her with them, never. It weird how totally different we are. She isn't broken, I am.” Johnathon kissed my cheek. “You aren't broken. You are just healing slowly,” he told me. I smiled at him. “Tell me about your family,” I asked him. He swallowed hard, “most of mine have left. I don't know if I have grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins. All I know is I have is my mom, dad, and sister. My mom, Joanna, doesn't work and never has. She is a smoker, cigarettes and drugs. If it can be smoked she'll smoke it. My mom hated kids. She hated taking care of us. She liked beating us though. My dad, Kevin, worked to get out of the house. He cheated on my mom with so many people but mom didn't care. She was doing the something. Beating us is what made them both happy. My sister, Kristina, tried to keep it away from me when I was younger. It didn't help. She was so smart, she was so kind. She had so much life in her. Not like me. They killed her. It should have been me.” I took the next exit. I parked the car in an empty parking lot. I grabbed his face in my hands locking my eyes on his. “Never say that again,” I begged him. He looked at me so sad. “She shouldn't have been the one to die. She was so much,” he never finished. I kissed him hard. I ended up on top of him, making out. “Johnathon, don''t say that. You had to live. I really couldn't live if I didn't have you,” I told him. He shook his head tears forming. “You would have found someone,” he whispered. I laughed painfully. “Yeah. God when I went to the gate. I would have killed myself by now,” I confessed. His eyes grow he grabbed my arms. “You can't die,” he exclaimed. The tears fell. “You can't..” he whispered. “You can't either,” I whispered. He nodded his head as he ran his hand up mine. “I love you Johnathon,” I told him. “I love you
Alexander,” he told me. My whole face turned red. Johnathon had never called me by my full name. The smile he gave just made it redder. “Now that is red,” he laughed at me. I looked away and climbed over to the driver's seat. “Whatever,” I muttered. Johnathon laughed at me. He kissed my cheek and whispered, “it is cute.” That didn't help either. Johnathon just laughed.
We got there later in the day. I saw my father's car as soon as I pulled into the hospital. I parked on the furthest side away from his. “What are we going to be to them,” Johnathon asked me. I smiled at him. “You are mine and I'll kill them if they touch you.” He looked at me, “how can you say that with such a sweet smile?” I smiled as I got out, my father was heading our way. “With a lot if practice,” I told him. Johnathon got out as father stood in front of the car. “Hello, Alexander. I've really missed you,” he said holding his hand out. I flashed him the look he gave me when I asked him for help on homework. It said Don't Push Your Luck. He looked at Johnathon, “I'm William Ways, Alexander's father. How may you be,” he said with a smile holding out his hand. I flashed him another look this one said I Will Rip That Hand Off. He put down his hand as Johnathon said, “Johnathon.” “Would you like a hundred thousand dollars,” he asked him as we walked to the hospital's front door. I don't know who looked more surprised Johnathon or me. “If you leave him, I'll give it to you,” he offered. I couldn't believe he just tried to pay Johnathon off. Before I could start to worry, Johnathon go in my father's face. My father was six foot but he might as well had been four feet. “You ever try some shit like that again, I will make your image so bad. Nothing in this world could make it look even descent,” he snapped at my father. I love that man. My father took a step back. “I'll show you too Alice's room,” he offered. He took the lead sweating bullets. “Have I ever told you that I love you,” I smiled at him. He smiled back, “it might have come up once or twice.” I know he wanted to kiss me but he just bit his lip and keep on walking. As we walked down hall after hall, I felt my fists tighten. I hated hospitals. Johnathon moved to hold my hand but thought not to. I grabbed his hand. He looked at me surprised, “what,” I asked, “we hold hands all the time.” He smiled softly at me, “yeah your right we do.” His hand was warm on my cold skin. It felt nice. Finally we got to my Aunt-soon to be stepmother- Susan and her little chunky newborn. She saw my hand holding Johnathon's. Johnathon's grip tightened when my dad saw. I never let go of his hand though. I was not going to let them run my life. “So what happened to Alice,” I asked them. My father looked at me to my hand to Johnathon. Johnathon always looked like he might kill someone. This was the first time I liked it. My father decided not to push his luck. “She went on a date with some guy. He raped her. The cops already arrested him. She wont tell us anymore then that. May be she will talk to you,” so that is why he called me. “Alright,” I muttered. Johnathon fallowed me. There was no way I would leave him with my family. But he let go of my hand so I could go to Alice's bed side and he could just stand by the door. He was uncomfortable. Alice had a black eye and bruises on her arms. It may me want to kill some guy. “Alice,” I spoke to her softly. She looked up at me with tear filled eyes. “Alex, what are you doing here,” she asked me in a horsed voice. “I thought it would be fun to see my baby sister,” I lied. She laughed, “they call you?” “Yeah,” I confessed to it. She nodded her head. “They tell you,” she asked. “No,” I told her. Our eyes had a conversation of their own. Her eyes told me I didn't want to know. My eyes told her I would find out one way or another. She finally decided to tell me, “I really liked him. He was kind, charming, and so so hot. We went out t dinner. He drove me in his car. After he paid, we went to an empty parking lot. First it was just kissing. Then he wanted more. He told me I owed it to him. He hit me over and over when I said no. I yelled and screamed. He just keep going.” She throw her arms around my neck. “I was so scared.” I held my sister. “It is okay. Guys are terrible, just look at your big brother,” I said making her laugh. “Yeah, my brother is terrible. He drives miles to see his stupid sister, who used to never do her homework and made her terrible do it, yeah you are just terrible,” she laughed at me. “He just gets worse with age. At least you don't have to live with him.” She laughed at me. She saw Johnathon. “Who is that? Does my brother finally have a friend,” she asked. “He is Johnathon. He's my boyfriend,” I whispered to her. She was going to know soon enough. She pushed me away. The look in her eyes was shock. “You are gay,” she gasped. “Yeah,” I told her blanked faced. “Since when,” she asked. “Since forever. You know I never liked girls, dork” I reminded her. She looked Johnathon over. “At least he is hot,” she muttered. Johnathon looked at her like she was crazy. “Yeah he is,” I admitted. Johnathon gave me the same look. I laughed at him. “I want to know everything,” she decided. So I told her the clean and the version I wanted dad to know. So very, VERY little. But is was enough for Alice. She smiled at Johnathon, “you have really weird taste to like Alex.” I rolled my eyes at her. “He is really weird. He is trouble too. Remember when dad and his friend took us to the lake ..” “SHUT UP,” I yelled at her. Then I was out the door. The memory was killing me. It was there. So painful. I ran to the car and locked the door. I couldn't breath. I laid my head on the stirring wheel. The memory hurt so bad. “Alex,” I heard Johnathon as he knocked an the window. I hit unlock. He opened my door. Alex,” he repeated. I just shock my head. I felt him pick me up and move me to the passenger seat but I didn't move. He put my seat belt on carefully. He pulled out as my father came out the hospital's door.
We drove in total silence. “Alex, talk to me,” he whispered softly. I bit my lip. “You might leave,” I whispered almost too quietly to be heard. “Alex, I would never leave you,” he told me. I laughed, “you don't know that.” At that he pulled over into a cafe' parking lot. He grabbed my face. “I will never leave you. Alexander you have no idea how much I need you. You said you would have died by now if it hadn't been for me. I was going to die. The night when I first came over I was going to kill myself. I thought about it all day. You stopped me. The way you opened up to me even if you only let me read the journal. I wanted to know you. To understand you. I didn't want to just to Johnathon that guy in 6th period or the group. I wanted to be Johnathon. I love you. That will never change. You wont be alone like your mom.” The tears flowed. I covered my face with my hands. “Alex,” Johnathon's voice was so sad.
“I know my dad had been cheating on my mom. I know after he took us down to the lake. His friend was a hooker. Dad told us she was a friend of his and moms. We were young and thought nothing of it. But one night Alice got scared and ran into dad's room. He was having sex with her. I pulled Alice out of the room. Alice told dad to stop or I would tell mom. He didn't have sex with the girl again. She got mad. She blamed me. I did this. So she beat me. I was only five. She almost killed me. She watched me there bleeding to death in the middle of nowhere. I laid there. She thought it was so much fun. She laughed, she talk to me about how much fun it was to watch. You asked me why I hate being left alone. It is because I start to think about this. The pain. The worse part is dad blamed me. How could I hurt him image like this. It made him look bad for me to get hurt like that. He beat me more and more. He hated me for hurting his image. He payed off a doctor and the girl. He hated me for baking up Alice. I hated him, for letting it happen.”
We got home at 3 in the morning. Tired as we where, we both couldn't sleep. We just laid in my bed with our arms around each other. “Sure, you don't want to leave,” I asked him. “I'll never leave,” he promised me. “I'm in love with you,” I whispered. The smile on his face made me love him more. “If you keep saying things like that I'm going to never be able to let you go,” he whispered. “Then don't let me go,” I whispered back. “God, I love you,” he exclaimed. We kissed. We made out. We made love. I love Johnathon.
-Alex
Day Twenty Three
I, Johnathon, have decided I hate my parents.
Day Twenty Three
Johnathon keeps losing my journal. Man well since I last wrote something big happened. We meet Johnathon's stepbrother, Stephan. He has the same father as Johnathon. They look nothing alike. Stephan has the same color hair but his eyes are bright green. He is my height and lacks the muscles that Johnathon has. He had a smile always on his face. He was kind and even as Johnathon yelled at him he was understanding. His boyfriend, Jay wasn't. He yelled at Johnathon and Johnathon yelled back. Stephan and I had to keep them apart. But all and all I think Johnathon wasn't mad at Stephan. He was hating his parents. Stephan understood. He hates his father for a long time too. I can't explain how we meet. It is so hard to find the right words. Maybe I should just not try and tell you of today.
Johnathon said he wanted to try. Stephan smiled at that. His boyfriend seemed happy for him. So the four of us decided to go to the golf course. “Good place to run away from,” Johnathon said when we got there. Stephan and him both wear a plain long sleeve white button up shirt and a pair of plain black pants. Jay laughed at it so did I. Stephan elbowed Jay and said something odd. It took me a second to realize he was speaking in a different language. Jay spoke back in that same language. Stephan shook his head as Jay smiled. “You speak french,” Johnathon asked. He seemed mad at something. Stephan know why. “Yeah, my mom was from France and taught me,” he said softly. “So your mom was Elizabeth Lewis,” he asked. “Yeah she was,” Stephan said sadly. “What happened to her,” Johnathon asked. The look on Stephan's face was so sad. Johnathon regretted asking. Jay looked like he wanted to kill something. Stephan gave smile, “she died three summers later.” Johnathon's eyes grow. Later he told me Stephan's mom was a doctor. She loved his dad and she left him. She said she was going to die soon anyway. “But how are you here then,” Johnathon asked. Jay eyes looked at his lover and spoke, “she gave birth before the summer she left. Your dad know. He just never told you I guess.” Jay handed us our clubs and the game began.
Stephan was fun to be around. He lost but you would have taught he won by the way he was smiling. He was just a happy person I guess. Jay and Johnathon were very competitive. Jay won, must to Johnathon's annoyance. As Stephan got out drinks, Jay spoke up. “Thanks for coming. It means a lot to him. He always wanted to see the other kids his father had.” Johnathon asked, “Who took care of him?” The look in Jay's eyes was hard. “No one. Stephan has had no one his whole life. Yet he is the kindest person in this whole fucked up world,” Jay told us as his fist tightened. “How did he meet you,” I asked. The smile on his face was pure joy. “My parents bailed on me too. I was selling myself on the streets. I need money and that was the only way I seemed to be able to get it. Stephan showed up after a really bad night. He bought me and took me to his place. It was a small house. One he had worked to own. Stephan defied the odds and found a way to work to get money. He took me home and he took care of me. He didn't want sex. He just wanted to help me. He asked me if I ever wanted to get out of the job I was in. I told him more then life itself. He helped me. I keep coming over, for free. He keep letting me in, for nothing at all. I fell for him. One day, your old man showed up. When I came over and saw Stephan bleeding with your old man pinning him to the wall about to hit him again. I knocked your old man out. The guy almost died. But Stephan pulled my away. I yelled at him why, why should I not beat him to death for hurting my Stephan. He smiled a real grin and said “Because you are the best person in the world.” I never left him, I quit my job and now I work for money and only give myself to him.” Jay smiled up at Stephan as he set down. Stephan gave him an odd look, “I would hit you if I knew wouldn't I?” Jay smiled, “probably.” I smiled at Stephan. “Excuse me,” Johnathon said as he walked away. “We'll be right back,” I told them.
Johnathon stood outside. “John,” I asked him. “After everything that my dad did to him, he can still smile at me. It was my father who did that. My family didn't help him. But he wanted to know me. How can he be like that,” her asked me. I smiled as I held both of his hands. “The same way you can lose it and calm down if you see me now. He found someone who loved him. You both have been hurt so much. All four of us have. But now we can smile because we found someone who loves us, the good and the bad.” Johnathon smiled at me. “Stephan is a lot nicer then me. If the person I know sold themselves I don't know if I could forgive that. I don't think I could act like it was all okay,” Johnathon told me. I smiled at him, “me either.” When we got back, I saw the way Jay smiled at Stephan. Jay know he didn't deserve Stephan. But he loved him unconditionally so he couldn't give him up. Stephan was the same way. He know that many people wouldn't give Jay a chance but Stephan know the real Jay. He loved Jay unconditionally. When we left, Jay held Stephan's hand the whole time. Johnathon held mine. Stephan smiled at me and he said so only I could hear him. “I'm glad someone kind like you found my brother,” he had a smile on his face. I smiled back when I said, “I'm glad someone like you is Johnathon's brother.” A guy walked by his eyes looked us over. He smiled at Jay, “you still up for sale.” Jay's eyes turned dark but Stephan spoke. “Just walk away,” he had a smile on. The guy touched Stephan's cheek, “I'll buy you too.” Stephan grabbed the guy's hand and snap. The guy drew his hand back. Jay took a step forward. “Touch him, Talk to us, Even look at us and I'll do much worse,” he promised. The guy flipped them off then ran as fast as he could still holding his wrist. “Like you can do worse then me,” Stephan laughed at Jay. The look in Jay eyes was gone. He smiled. “That guy didn't know that.” I looked shocked. Johnathon did too, “what did you do?” Stephan smiled at Johnathon, “just made it hurt, he'll be fine.” “Too bad. Touching my Stephan,” I heard Jay mutter. Stephan smiled at Jay and kissed his cheek. They waved goodbye to us and left hand and hand.
“Family. They are so annoying,” Johnathon muttered but he was smiling. He liked Stephan deep down. “But I did decide something,” he said as we walked inside. “Oh what was that,” I asked with a smile. “I want to kiss someone I don't deserve.” We kissed. We made our way to my room never stopping the kiss. I loved Johnathon. He loved me. But I don't deserve him. Just like Jay don't deserve Stephan. But they love us anyway.
-Alex
Day Twenty Five
Got a call from Jay. He wanted to see me. So I meet him at the mall. Jay was wearing plain black pants and a gray shirt on the back it had Lewis on the back. “Lewis,” I asked him. He looked shock. “Oh must have grabbed Stephan's shirt. There was a smile of his face. “I want to talk to you. Johnathon did he know about Stephan,” he asked me as we walked. “No. He didn't. He know his dad cheated on his mom. But he didn't know about Stephan,” I told him. Jay smiled, “I'm glad to here that.” I looked at him puzzled. He let out a breath of air before he decided to explain.
I love Stephan to death. I ain't joking. With out him I would be dead by now. I doubt, no, I know I wouldn't be able to live with out him. I know I don't deserve him, after everything I have done. Stephan is too good for me. But I can't ever leave him. I haven't tried to even once. I will never do it. It would hurt both of us. So I have excepted that God messed up by giving me Stephan. But I'm happy that way. Stephan is what I needed even when I didn't know I needed it. He is kind, sweet, caring but he can kick my ass, curse me like a sailor and drink me under the table. I love him. Stephan has lived his whole life alone. No family, no friends, no nothing. I didn't show up until three years ago. When he was sixteen, and I was too. If Johnathon know about Stephan, I would never let Stephan near him again. Since if he found out, it would hurt him. He would smile though it all, but it would hurt him. But if Johnathon didn't know then it's okay.
Jay had a small smile on his face. “Jay,” we turned to see Stephan. He gave Jay a look. Jay picked him up in his arms, “missed you.” Stephan smiled, “hello Alex.” “Hi Stephan,” I greeted him. Jay kissed Stephan as every one watched. They didn't care. I felt embarrassed to be there even though now they were only holding hands. “What are you doing here,” Stephan asked Jay. I thought Jay might lie but he didn't. He told him everything. Stephan smiled at Jay's honesty. “You worry too much it is bad for your heart,” Stephan laughed at him. Jay's eyes changed as he asked seriously, “did you go to the doctor today?” Doctor! “They didn't find anything. They say it is all gone. I got to go back in a week for one last check up,” he told him. Jay's fist tightened. His eyes showed pain. Stephan's eyes softened. He kissed Jay's lips softly. Jay's body relaxed automatically. Jay really loved Stephan.”That is good,” Jay finally said. “Um Sorry but what,” I asked confused. Stephan looked at me shocked,”oh I'm sorry. Not used to talking to anyone but Jay. I had cancer just like my mother did. But they caught it fast this time. It seems to all be gone now. I'll know in a week,” Stephan explained. I know understood Jay's pain. To watch someone you love go through cancer must be hard. They walked me out then left together for who knows where.
Johnathon read everything and I told him. He was shocked to hear Stephan had cancer. He set there quietly. “I hated having parents. But after all that happened to Stefan, I feel bad for feeling that way,” Johnathon whispered to me. I whispered back, “I hate being alone. But after seeing Stephan I feel bad for thinking that way. He has been alone for so many years.”
Day Thirty
I spent the day with Stephan. Tomorrow was Johnathon's birthday and I dragged him around with me. I hate no idea what he wanted. He never told me what he wanted either. Even though I normally hate shopping, it wasn't that bad with Stephan there. We keep laughing. I was glad Stephan was so easygoing. We laughed at Johnathon and Jay spending the day together.
My phone rang. It was my dad. “Alice is dead.” That was all he said. I froze when he said it. “What?” I gasped. “Her funeral is tomorrow,” he handed up. I hit my knees. Stephan is strong. He carried me out and to a taxi. He most have called Johnathon since he was already outside waiting. I don't remember.
I didn't talk until about a hour later. They all looked at me worried. “Alex,” Johnathon asked me concerned. I wanted to just hold Johnathon. I don't know how but Jay know. “We'll be down stairs,” he said and pulled Stephan down with him. As soon as that door closed, I through my arms around Johnathon's neck. “You can't die on me. I love you so much. So please, don't die,” I whispered. He laid down on next to me in my bed. He held my in his arm. “I'll never leave you. I wont die for a long time. I love you too,” he spoke into my ear. I cried softly in his chest. “Alice is dead,” I whispered to him. “What,” he exclaimed. “He didn't tell me anything but that she died. Her funeral is tomorrow,” I said through my tears. Johnathon held my closer.
“You going to go,” he asked me. I nodded my head yes. “Want me to come or stay,” he asked me. I laughed. “I can't do this without you,” I confessed to him. He kissed the top of my head. “I love you Alexander.” “I love you Johnathon.” I kissed his lips.
Eventually we went downstairs to get Stephan and Jay. But then I saw them making out on the couch. I looked away. Johnathon just say, “Children, act your age.” Jay laughed and snapped back at him, “you might not want me to act my age with you still in the room.” Johnathon remained quiet, Stephan gave his a look that made him say, “sorry Stephan.” Stephan looked at me, “you okay?” I nodded my head. They didn't make me tell them and when I said we would be gone tomorrow. They just excepted it. Jay smiled and said, “I get Stephan all to myself tomorrow.” Stephan rolled his eyes at him but the smile was still there. Mom walked in. She looked from all four of us. Johnathon looked at me. Mom moved toward Stephan. “I'll have you,” she said and pulled out a gun. We all froze. Never had mom pulled out a gun. Jay gripped onto his lovers arm. I know Jay would rather get shot then give Stephan up. Mom noticed this. She laughed at them. “You're gay. You're just fags,” she laughed. She aimed it at Stephan's head. “I wonder if you'll like me as much as you like him,” mom asked Stephan. Jay hand shook. He was terrified of her hurting Stephan but he couldn't do anything since it may hurt. Stephan's eyes changed. They became darker. “You can't. The gun is such a turn off. Want a shoot put it down and we'll see,” he smiled at her darkly. She smiled and throw the gun across the floor. Jay grabbed it. He aimed it at my mom. “Touch him and I'll shoot you in your goddamned mouth,” he told her. I believed he would. Stephan did too. He touched Jay's arm. “Jay, she isn't worth me losing you,” he whispered to his lover. “Please hand me the gun,” Stephan begged him. Jay's hand shook. He handed it over. He wanted to kill my mom but he wanted Stephan more. Stephan looked at her, “if I was you, I would be leaving now. The cops might find your stash.” Her stash. I looked at my mom as she looked scared. There was drugs in my house. Mom left slowly out the front door. “How did you know she had drugs? I didn't even know that,” I asked him. He smiled at me, “I just guessed.” He guessed. Jay threw Stephan in his arms. He spoke sweet french to his lover. Stephan held him gently and spoke it right back. I smiled at them. The was love. Against all odds, they had love. So did I.
-Alex
Day Thirty One
Today changed everything.
The drive there was hard. I couldn't have done it. I held Johnathon's hand the whole time. We didn't talk much but we didn't need to. He know Alice was on my mind and I know I was on his. So words where not needed. But the silence still killed me so we had the radio playing just to fill the emptiness.
The funeral I can't tell you what was said by my dad, my aunt, or some of her friends. I just stared at the coffin that held my little sister's dead body. She had killed herself. I remember Johnathon's word, “it should have been me.” I wondered why against all odds I have lived this long but she didn't. The hand that held mine squeezed. I looked up at his sad face staring back at me. I know why.
Alice was the princess waiting in the castle. She got sick of waiting and excepted the offer of a clown. She couldn't get over it. She had one mistake, one bump as she fell. I was a prince shunned by his family. I keep walking not matter the bump I just keep going. I didn't give up. Magically, I found my prince. Alice stopped going forward. I wish I could have walked forward with her. I wish she hadn't died but I wouldn't switch her places. Johnathon might do something stupid if I die. I can't let him hurt himself for me.
After the funeral, dad asked me if I wanted to move in. I laughed at him. My home was with Johnathon. So I went home with Johnathon. On the way I asked him, “What are we going to do then the school year ends,” I asked him. He looked over at me. “Are you still going to want to be with me or be free to do whatever,” I asked him. He looked at me shocked. “Do you want to break up with me,” he asked misunderstanding. “Hell no. I'm asking what do you want to do when this summer comes. I'm leaving mom soon. I can't keep letting you, Stephan, and Jay get attacked every time she comes home. I'm asking what do you want.” He paused thinking. “I want you. I want to wake up to you every morning, go to bed with you every night. I want to spend my life with you,” he confessed to me. I smiled. “I want that too,” I confessed. He smiled shyly at me. “Then lets get a place together,” he offered. I smiled, “okay.”
“Johnathon, I love you,” I told him. He smiled at me, “Alexander I love you too.” “Happy Birthday,” I remembered. He smiled at me
-Alex
Day Three Hundred Sixty Nine
This is like a flashback. We lost you in the move from my house to Johnathon and my new place. Stephan and I blame Johnathon for it. Jay blamed Stephan. Stephan gave him a look and Jay just smiled. Johnathon blamed the notebook for running away. I laughed when I found this. Today will be my last time writing in you. Back then I needed something it do. Now I don't hate being alone the rare times I am alone. Let me fill you in.
Mom died a month after I left. One of her lovers, raped and killed her. The guys name was William. My father lost his image when Alice died. Susan left him with the baby and all his money. They are doing fine.
I am now working at the same restraint as Jay. We are both waiters. Johnathon is now working with the local police department. It pays good and he looks good in uniform. Stephan's cancer is gone. Thank you God. Jay wouldn't have lived this long if Stephan died. Stephan is working for an auto shop. He is really good at what he does. Jay's smiles when ever I say that with something else in mind. Jay and Stephan are still in love and I think they always will be. If the world gets around to seeing common sense, they will one day get married. As for me and Johnathon. I love him more and more each day. He still loves me oddly enough. Life is good. Life is better. Against all odds, we all turned out all right.
Day 1
I was asked to write about my feelings, thoughts, ideas, anything I want to. Dad asked me to go talk to a counselor to help me with the divorce. I don't mind it. It kind of fun to have someone I can talk to and know they will listen. Alex was the one I always talked to. But now he wasn't here for me. I have moved to Florida with my dad. Mom got Alex. I felt bad for leaving him but even though we have spent seventeen years together, it was time to go out on our own. I knew Alex didn't understand why I choose to come with dad. Well the reason is I know how bad mom would be. Alex would have left if he had been asked first. There was no way I would be left with that crazy women. But I did feel sorry for Alex.
Well today we moved into a lovely four bedroom Victorian house. It had a garden in the back and the front. I got to pick my room first. I picked the one with a bathroom attached. Alex and my old room had one but it is different now that I got it all to myself. I spend most of the day unpacking. Aunt Susan cooked ribs with mashed potatoes and corn for supper. It was dad's favorite. I still couldn't get used to Aunt Susan about to be my new mom. Alex hated the dad fell for Susan but you can't choose who you fall in love with. Susan was much prettier and nicer then mom anyway. A much better cook too.
I'm really tired so I'll go for today.
Love, Alice
Day 2
Today dad said I didn't have to go to school. He said there was no point going until I was moved in. Why have to worry about homework when you are trying to get settled down. Mom never would have let me. When we moved to the last house, Mom made us go to school the next day. She never let us have any fun. Mom was never the cool parent, Dad hadn't been either until now. But people could change right. Maybe Mom is better now. Me and mom used to fight a lot. She hated my clothes, my friends, my choices. Alex used to fight a lot with dad. He never told me what about but I knew it always upset him. I wished I had talked to Alex about this before we left. It happened so fast. But maybe it was all for the best. Maybe it will all work out for the best. I smiled at the thought. Yeah, it will all be okay.
Love, Alice
Day Three
Today was lame. I had to go to school. Alex has all the luck. He gets to stay at a school where some people know him. He is so lucky. Well I'm going to go to bed. Night. Hope tomorrow is more interesting.
Love, Alice
Day Five
Yesterday was too lame to write about but today was fun. I met the cutest guy. He is the quarterback for varsity football at my school. His names is David Kline. He was so sweet. He listens to every word I say and I think he likes me too. I'm so excited about next Friday. He is taking me out on a date then. It is still a week and a day away. But times can fly fast when you are having fun with David. :) oh he is calling. He wants to meet up tonight. Love Calls Me. Bye. <3
Love, Alice
Day Twelve
Every thing has happened so fast. Soon I found myself falling more and more for him. He was like my prince charming and I was his princess. He loved me. Nothing could be better. Tomorrow we are going out on our first date. I have the perfect dress to wear. It is baby blue that hugs my body perfectly. I had my hair done too. I was I had my brother's hair color. He had my dad's hair color, a rich black not the blond I got from mom. I got mom's blue green eyes too. But so did Alex but with him it looked good. Alex had always never had to try to get people's attention. He just looked amazing no matter if he woke up or spent hours getting ready. I wonder if Alex knows just how much the girls in our school liked him. I really doubt it he never liked girls. I never got a reason why he didn't date girls, he just didn't date period. Maybe it was to keep his 4.0 in school. I don't know. David is calling. I have to go BYE
Love, Alice
Day Twenty
I can still feel him. The pain, the bruises, everything. I want to die. Sometimes I think I will just end it all. But I decide not too. Not when I hurt Alex. He was so hurt by that I wonder why. I'll ask dad why. I want to tell Alex how sorry I am. I want to tell Johnathon to be nice to my brother. I'm happy for Alex though. Johnathon was so sweet that he fallowed him as he left. Will the pain ever go away? Will he ever lose this hold on me? Why did it happen to me? I want to die
Day Twenty nine
He raped me too. I trusted him and he raped me. Why does everyone hate me? What did I do to deserve this? WHY Why Why why. I hate my body. Those two's skin have touched me all over. I will end this. Now. I'll be gone. No one will hurt me ever again. How could my own father rape me. How could he do that to me? Why? It is his fault I want to die. Now that I am aiming the gun at my heart. It is gone anyways.
Love. Alice
I'm sorry Alex.
Day 1461
This is Jason Terrie Morgan or Jay. I wanted to write this. I want you to know.
I was so hurt when you walked over. I was bleeding so much. You tilted you head to look at me. “Are you okay,” you asked me. You were really cute. “Buy me or keep walking,” I hissed at you. You smiled, “how much are you?” “Depends on how long and what you want,” I snapped at you. You smiled at me. “How about I give you whatever amount you want at the end,” you sounded so sweet and you were so cute. I agreed even though I wouldn't have normally. I remember the warmth of your house. It was a small house. One floor, one bedroom, one living room, a kitchen, a bathroom with a shower. That was it. You didn't have much but yet you smile. You lead me to the bathroom. “Sit down,” you said softly. I remember when you took off my shirt. I expected you to make love to me, I prepared myself for the pain. But instead you helped me, I watched as the pain when away. You took care of all my wounds. I just watched you. “Who are you,” you asked me. “Jay,” I told you. I never got asked many questions. “What do you like to eat,” you asked after you put up all the medical stuff you used on me. “Whatever you want,”i replied like I always did. You laughed at me and smiled. “Come on. You surely wont like liver.” My face gave me away. You laughed, “What do you want to eat, Jay?” “Beef stew,” I shrugged. You smiled and I watched you as you cooked. You were really good. You could cut so fast, you made it look so much fun to cook. The kitchen smelled so good. When it was ready, you didn't touch it. “You not like it,” I asked. You shook your head, “I don't eat meat.” I was shocked. “Then why did you make it,” I asked in wonder. You smiled at me, “because it is what you wanted.” it seemed so simple to you but to me it was so crazy. I was a tool to be used as you buyer wished but you. You treated me like I was human still. I didn't tell you but I really liked you even then. You let me watch TV and a few movies. I got to take my first warm shower in so long. I have had showers just not without having sex in them. It was nice. I wear your clothes as mine got washed. They smelled sweet, just like you did. I really liked you. You let me stay the night. I took the floor but when I woke up I was in the bed. My clothes where still one. This was all new to me. When I walked out I saw you. You had made tea. I took a cup and we set there in silence. I didn't want to leave you. You asked me a question, “Do you ever want to get out of this job?” My hands tightened around the cup of tea as I muttered, “More then life itself.” You smiled at me softly. “Would you quit today,” you asked with a sly look on your face. I told you yes. You said you know a restaurant that needed a waiter and I could stay here if I needed too. I did stay. I came here anytime I could just to see you. The owner of the restaurant hired me. I was so happy. But when I came home, your old man showed up. I saw you bleeding with your old man pinning you to the wall about to hit you again. I knocked your old man out. The guy almost died. But you pulled me away. I yelled at you why, why should I not beat him to death for hurting you. You smiled a real grin and said “Because you are the best person in the world.” I grabbed your face and kissed you. I loved you so much. You were my first love. We started to date. I know I didn't deserve you but I couldn't leave you. You held every part of my soul and I wanted you so bad I couldn't live if I felt. I learned so much from you. I learned how to speak french, how to smile, how to be happy, how it was to be loved. Then you said they found cancer like your mother. I was so terrified I would lose you. I told you I couldn't lose you. If you die I wanted to fallow you. I never wanted to be way from you. You kissed me and for the first time, we made love. When you told me I was your first I loved you more. All I could tell you was you were the first one I loved and wanted to make love to. You smiled at me all the same. I held your hand through it all. I was so scared to lose you. Then you pulled through it all. I hit my knees and thanked god with all I had. Then we met your long lost stepbrother and his boyfriend. I liked them too. But I felt like I was losing you to them. But then you would kiss me, smile at me, hug me, talk to me and I remembered that you loved only me. Now we are still in love and I pray that will never change. I want you to know if I could I would marry you. I can't so I'll ask you. Will you spend the rest of your life with me? Will you still love me when I'm old and wrinkled?
Love You For Life,
Jason
Day Now
I will love you forever. Death is no limit for this. I love you Jason. I really happy I was found by you. I'm glad I'm the one who bought you last. I would take nothing I have done back. I am happy with what has happened. The those first sixteen years was worth it. Since I got you in the end. Jason you are do deserve me, like I deserve you. I love you Jason until the end off it all.
I will spend for ever with you. I'll wait for you in heaven of hell. I will spend every moment I can with you. I'm older then you so I'll be looking old first. But yes, I'll love you when you go old and have wrinkles. I love you Jason. Don't you ever forget that. You are my world, my heart, my soul.
Love You Until The End,
Stephan Lewis
Day of My life
This journal holds all we have been through. It holds the pain, the tears, the blood, the love, the miracles. It holds us on these pages. This journal showed me the words you never could say to me. The things you didn't think I needed to know but I really did. I got to learn so much about you so easy. You had to wait for me to open my shell to show you. But I did and you are still here in love with me. You love me. The Good and The Bad. There is nothing more I could ever ask to have. I never tell you enough. I never tell you how much you really mean to me. Alexander you are my everything. You are my life. If you disappeared forever then I will be nothing. Not a man, not a human, I would only be bones that laid on the floor dead. When you told me you loved me, I wanted to scream. When I hit you, I wanted to die. But I didn't. I just keep praying it only got better. And it did. Every moment I got to spend with you made it better. Alice's funeral, Stephan's good check up, Jay's meeting in the mall, My past scars being healed by you, you loving me. Alexander, thank you for not leaving me. For putting up with all I do wrong. I love you Alexander. Marry me. Spend everyday with me. Forever
Love You,
Johnathon
Day of the last page
My last page goes to you, Johnathon who I would give my last breath too. I love you. I am so happy that it all worked with me falling for you. When I first started to write in this journal, I wanted to die. But at the end I want to live, with you. Forever. I want to keep waking up to you every morning, kissing you all day, and holding you all night. It sounds like the perfect life for me. As long as I have you. I guess I'll have to learn to say more of this all to you. You're going to have to help me. Or buy me another notebook and not lose it a million times. Well the page is coming to an end. I love you Johnathon. Thank you for saving me from myself. I love you forever. I'll marry you. I'll spend everyday with you on earth and in the afterlife. Forever. A hundred years isn't long enough to get to spend it with you
Love you too,
Alexander
Alex, I never lost it. I just keep rereading it and never finding a time to give it back. I love you forever. Love, Johnathon.
