Welcome to Tales from a Better Place, a nifty little spot where things like reality and sense aren't nearly as important as you're probably accustomed to. This will be the launching point from which your mind can set sail for distant vistas, or just to stop in and view the world from my judgmental blue eyes.
To begin, I'm currently perfectly average. A bit tall, a bit heavy, and a bit unkempt. I lead a charmed life of alcohol and nicotine, floating down the river of life in cold, unforgiving New England. I live by a harsh code of rules, which leaves the Fellowman no room to maneuver. Fueled by ska music and sarcasm, my cynical self lives day to day as best I can, complaining about anything and everything that bothers me, so that nobody can mistake exactly how I view everything. Brutal honesty is a combat style, and with it I am a monstrous combatant.

Next time on TfaBP:
A tale of epic proportions!
The coming of I, Prophet!