“Look, poppet, treasure!” Arthur triumphantly held a twenty-five cent coin in front of Matthew’s face.
“That’s a quarter, Arthur,” he said, sighing. He was ignored, and in it went to the laundry basket with a soft plink!
“Mattie, Mattie!” Arthur dashed up to him with an empty bottle of some kind of alcoholic beverage. “It be treasure, luv!”
Matthew eyed it carefully. He didn’t drink. “Did you leave that here the last time you were over?” he asked suspiciously.
Arthur shook his head, feathers waving wildly. “First time I’ve seen a treasure like this in me life, pet!” he said with a wide, quite possibly sarcastic grin.
Clang!
“Goddamn treasure be escaping!” Arthur shouted, chasing a bouncy ball that Kuma liked to play with down the stairs and around the foyer.
Boing!
Arthur poked Matthew’s shoulder. “Poppet, look, more treasure!” he said, grinning and holding up a stapler.
Matthew resisted the urge to connect his palm violently with his forehead. “That’s a stapler, Arthur,” he said slowly.
“Nay, pet, this be treasure!”
With a somewhat exaggerated sigh, Matthew plucked the stapler from the Englishman’s hands, examined it, then clicked it and handed it back. “Nope, that’s a stapler.”
Arthur looked at it for a second. “…Treasure.”
Clack!
Matthew had retreated to his chesterfield…er, Nabooru, while Arthur rummaged through the drawers of a nearby desk. “Aha!” the pirate exclaimed. “Found some!” He pulled a box of paper clips from the drawer, held it up to his ear, and shook it. “Sounds like a lot of it, too!”
“Well, throw it in with the rest,” Matthew said with a retired sigh. Arthur smiled at him and began to walk back across the room, but he suddenly froze and turned his head out towards the foyer. “What is it?” Matthew asked, following Arthur’s gaze. At the bottom of the stairs was his polar bear, Kuma…Kumawhatdoyoucallit or something. He looked like he had just woken up, and he yawned and glanced at the pirate sleepily.
“Who?”
“Don’t worry, Kuma, it’s Arthur,” said Matthew. “Are you hungry? Want me to get you breakfast, er, lunch, now, I guess?” He turned to Arthur. “I never offered you food, either,” he said. “Would you like to eat?”
Arthur’s eyes widened. “Eat? Now?! We’re under attack, pet!” He dropped the paper clips on the desk and brought his hand to his sword. “The kraken approaches!”
Matthew blinked. Kuma blinked. They looked at each other. “Kraken?”
“Aye, the kraken! Terror of the seven seas!” Arthur said, unsheathing his sword and pointing it towards Kuma. Matthew immediately jumped up. Kuma yawned.
“Arthur, that’s my polar bear!” Matthew exclaimed.
The Englishman ignored him. “Stay back, poppet, I’ll handle this!” He swung his sword threateningly, almost taking out one of the desk’s legs. Kuma blinked sleepily.
“Put that sword down r-right now, Arthur!”
Still paying no attention, Arthur approached the polar bear slowly. He brandished his sword threateningly. “Have at ye, foul beast!” he exclaimed. Kuma sat down and yawned again. “Mocking me, are ye?” Arthur waved his sword again. “Ye asked for it, ye monster! Time for ye to go back to the depths from which ye came!” He took a cautious step towards the bear and readied his sword.
“Arthur Kirkland!” Matthew whacked the pirate upside the head, not too hard but hard enough to make Arthur stop mid-thrust. “You are not to harm that kraken! Do you understand me?”
Arthur blinked, then turned his head slightly to face the Canadian. “Don’t…harm it? It be a monster! It’ll eat us alive and steal our treasure!” he complained, not moving his sword.
“He’s my pet, Arthur.” Arthur blinked again.
“…Ye own a kraken, luv?”
Matthew sighed and was about to at least attempt to set his boyfriend straight about a few things, but he was cut off by a soft nom from beside them. Kumazooma (or whatever his name was) had decided that he was bored with the current situation and had bitten down on the end of Arthur’s sword, looking quite content as he drooled all over it. Arthur’s eyes widened, and he proceeded to flail the sword up and down, taking Kuma with it.
“It be eating my sword!” he shouted, waving sword and bear wildly. Matthew almost had a heart attack. What if Kuma let go?! He’d be flung into the wall! And if he didn’t let go, his mouth would be ripped to shreds! The Canadian grabbed Arthur’s arm in an attempt to calm him down.
“Arthur, Arthur, drop the bear!” he said frantically, tightening his grip. It took Arthur a few seconds to comprehend what exactly he had said, but when he did, he dropped the sword like it was on fire. Kuma plopped to the ground, sword still in mouth. “Are you alright, Kumaroo?” Matthew asked, running up to the bear, removing the sword from his mouth, and checking him all over for bruises or cuts.
“W-wait, Mattie, luv, it be dangerous!” Arthur followed closely behind and wrapped a hand protectively around Matthew’s arm. Ignoring him, Matthew continued to examine his bear. Miraculously, Kumasuan (that wasn’t it either!) had suffered no injuries. With a sigh of relief, Matthew rubbed behind Kuma’s ears. The bear let out a content purr.
“Fun!” he said, smiling. “Again, again!”
“He be attacking again?!” asked Arthur, who immediately grabbed his sword, never loosening his hold on Matthew’s arm.
Matthew picked up the polar bear and held him out in front of him. “Tsk. Never again. To both of you,” he said. Both Arthur’s and Kuma’s faces fell.
“I was just trying to protect ye…”
“I wanna go again!”
Matthew ignored them both and pulled Kuma back to hold him against his chest. “Let’s get food,” he said. “I’m hungry, and I’m sure all this treasure hunting and sea monster fighting has made you hungry as well, eh?”
Arthur perked up slightly and smiled. “Yer quite right, poppet. I’m starving,” he said, pulling himself closer and leaning against the Canadian. Cautiously, he patted Kuma on the head. “Quite a fuzzy kraken,” he murmured to himself. Matthew sighed, then gave his boyfriend a quick kiss on the cheek before pulling both him and the Kumakraken into the kitchen.
