WARNING: This is just me ranting about my life. I feel like crap today so it's not going to be pretty. If you don't want to read about my problems, please don't read on. I'll be writing a hopefully more level-headed post tonight.
I feel like I've been run over by a moose absolute shiitake today.
My course selection at school has given me hell. I've wanted to take art class since the beginning of junior year when it became available, and they didn't give it to me last year (god knows why, I didn't ask). Well, I put it for it this year, and they didn't give it to me because OF COURSE, the only two art classes they offer are at 1st and 5th period, the two periods where I have my Advanced Placement classes! And though I would never drop my AP English course (I'm hopefully going to be an English major, and I've been waiting for this course since freshman year), I WOULD consider dropping AP American Government and Politics because, quite honestly, I am not at ALL interested in American Government and Politics (when I say I'm considering moving out of the country, I am being serious) and the only reasons I took the class were a) because the teacher is amazing and b) because I took AP History sophomore and junior year, loved both those classes, and wanted to finish it out.
Of course, my mom would NEVER let me drop either AP course for a measly little Track 2 course in art, not even if drawing is basically my life and I've been super excited for art since freshman year. Since it looks bad on COLLEGE APPLICATIONS.
COLLEGE. I NEED TO STAB IT AND IT NEEDS TO DIE. These stupid college searches and colleges visits and college apps have been making my life a living hell for almost this whole summer. Everything I do, it has to look good for college. Why can't I just live my life the way I want to? Of course, it doesn't help that the one college I really like has a "strict admissions process"...
Back to course selection. Now I have two study halls and god forbid that because I'll look like a lazy student. -_- I mean, yes, I want to get rid of my study hall at 3rd period, because that is way too early in the day to be doing nothing. But there's really nothing for me to take! I've been offered Track 2 classes, which I can't really take cuz I'm NUMBER TWO IN THE FRIGGIN CLASS. Though, I have considered taking a strings class, but since it's music it's counted as Track 2, the horrors, my mom is freaking out at me.
She wants me to take both strings and Shakespeare, filling up both my study halls. Well, no, I don't want to take Shakespeare, because even though I adore Iago more than anything, from what I've heard the class is basically reading Shakespeare plays, writing papers on them, and sometimes memorizing sonnets. NO. NO MEMORIZING SONNETS. If I'm going to memorize anything Shakespeare, it will be one of Iago's many soliliquies in which he describes his plans for MASS MURDER. NOT A SONNET.
Plus, I really liked eighth period study last year. It was a relaxing way to end the day. And all my friends already took Shakespeare last year, so I will be in a boring class with people I don't know. (stabs something)
But it's all about college this and college that and none of it's about what I want anymore. I convinced my mom to let me volunteer at an SPCA by saying it would look good on my college app, cuz god forbid she let me do it otherwise.
The reason I have to stick with band all year--being pit captain looks great on college apps.
I'm an absolute wreck. This is the reason I always feel like I'm sick. My mom thinks it's because I get no exercise, but no, it's because of all this stress and pressure to be what everyone else wants and not what I want. But I can't tell her, "GUESS WHAT MOM. YOU'RE MAKING ME DEPRESSED." because she'd start yelling at me about how she is SO supportive of my writing and my art and so on, even though all she's been doing is treating it as a means to an end--me getting into college!! I'm being FORCED to write about the Seventh Degree.
The Seventh Degree is my baby. I am so proud of all the work I've been putting into it. When it's gotten to the point that I don't WANT to write part of it because it's going to be judged for college (so, of course, I can't write anything about Damien being gay, oh no) and read by my mom whose going to want me to change everything, it's bad. Really bad. I also wanted to send in Famille, the oneshot I wrote about the Revolutionary War with Mattie and Arthur, but, see, I wrote "damn" and "wanker" and "bloody hell" in it, so my mom's not going to let me send it in. -_- I'm afraid for her to look at it because of the cursing and the slight traces of yaoi and just the whole depressing premise...
I really don't know what to do. I've been crying all morning. I just...I dunno, I just need to talk to someone. I realized last night just how important my Hetalia RP was in keeping me from going off the deep end, as I lay there in bed crying and not knowing any other way to cheer myself up than thinking about Hetalia, which barely helped at all anyway. Hetalia has saved me so many times in the past year, which sounds really stupid but it's absolutely true. If it's failing me, then I think I'm screwed...
If you actually read that whole thing, please don't think badly on me for being a total mess >////< I'm just so disoriented and tired and stressed...I need to find a way to feel better, is all, but it's hard...
OH LOOK, DIALIMA TU KAFE IS ON. (immediately fangirl spazzes)
Thanks so much for sticking with me. I'll have a less crappy, slightly more uplifting post tonight (I hope...I have band...) So, well, tata~! ^^;
~Mattie
