Had to make it six words ^^;
I'm going to rant. Turn back now.
But yeah. I'm beginning to realize that this is a main part of why I've been so bummed out for the past few weeks month or so few months half a year... I put in too much for the people around me. I've been putting others first for probably my entire life, and it's only just now that a switch has clicked and I'm starting to see that maybe people aren't putting me nearly as high on their priority list.
Like, when I bend over backwards working my crap-phone and getting texts to people who won't bother to respond anyway.
Or staying in drumline for the benefit of the people around me, people who wouldn't give a crap if I just suddenly disappeared.
Or taking precalculus, or government, because that looks good for colleges that aren't accepting me.
Or pretending that I'm enjoying an anime because I want friends to be happy, while mine gets thrown on the wayside and trampled by horse-drawn carriages.
Or trying to convince myself that I don't mind when I'm constantly ignored by way too many people.
Or trying so hard to make others feel better when things go wrong, while I sit here, crying myself to sleep and having nightmares about everything and just feeling overall like absolute shit, and not getting anyone!
Or, or, or, or, or...There's too many! Why do I have to be so freaking considerate?! Life would be so much easier if I was able to be mean once in a while! If I was able to be selfish! But no, I have to be constantly concerned with how I make others feel! Even my feeble attempts at being mean, at being assertive...OotRH, for instance...Even then I feel like an absolutely horrible person!
That's why my characters have been so mean and nasty lately...It's me, trying to let out some of my anger before I explode into little bite-sized pieces...
I wish I knew what to do...I'm not going to become a jerk, by no means...
I wanted to thank my broski-boyfriend and Poland, because there have been many times where they have saved me from falling into insanity.
Okay...I'm going to go watch Youtube for a while...Sorry to be so depressing, guys, but I just needed to get that out there...
Well, tata.
~Mattie
