I want to go home.
The hard part is figuring out where home is.
Because when I'm sitting in my own room, in my own bed, thinking to myself, "I want to go home," something's wrong.
What is home to me? It's not that it's not here. It's that it's not now. Where, or when, I want to go is back to my junior year, when I had no concerns, when I could stay up til two or three being happy, when I could go home after a bad day at school and pretend to be someone else for a little while.
Now, I can't even write, let alone get into my writing enough that I stop thinking about my problems and actually be someone else. I can't look at Hetalia pictures without choking up a bit. I take everything as an attack against me, but also as something I brought upon myself and I don't know what I did. Now isn't home.
I really had a terrible day today, and I'm sorry for that last post. Rest assured, whatever message you got from that is nothing to be worried about. Half of it was me being extremely upset, and half of it was me wanting attention in that upsetness.
I do want attention. God, I want attention. I've been feeling so alone and neglected, especially in this past month. But stupid posts like that are not the way to go around getting the attention I want, and I've already scolded super-jacked-up-on-emotions me for it.
I would never, EVER, dream of pulling an Othello. Never. Let's make that clear. But sometimes, I wish I could just curl up in a corner, close my eyes, and not wake up again until everything got better. That's what I really want. That's not the same, right?
Actually, what I really want is for people to put me and the things important to me first sometimes. Not all the time, mind you. But maybe every once in a while. Does that make me selfish?
This is turning into a ranty post again. That's all I do on this world, rant rant rant. God, I'm making myself sick. Legitimately physically sick. I just...wanna go home...
I wasn't kidding when I said I kinda needed a Cassio in my life...
I need to go before I make an even bigger fool of myself. Feeling even more sick now...yay...
Again, I apologize.
-Mattie
