...why am I not as cool as Duster? Why couldn't you make me as cool as Duster? Life would be so much easier if I was as cool as Duster. I'd have awesome friends, I'd be able to kick major ass, I'd be able to play bass, I'd have a small talking pet rope-snake that I could pull out of my pocket whenever...
I'm so tired of everything...
I kinda want to lock the door of my room (though my door doesn't actually lock) and stay in here for the rest of my life. I have YouTube. I have books. I have Okami. It's all I really need in life. Contact? Social contact? People suck. People really, really suck. I don't have any social contact anyway because few people actually deign to waste more than five minutes of their time on me. But I don't need people. I'll just sit around and talk to my computer and my drawings and my stuffed animals, because at least they're there for me.
How long do you continue to care about someone who's stopped caring about you?
Just been informed that I have eight absences from school this year, and that they sent me a notice about it. So that means no more just taking off because I need a day. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure I would have murdered someone if not multiple people if I went into school today. I'll be sure the next time I'm feeling absolutely terrible to come in and beat people up. Hey, it's the school that wants me in!
Why am I so upset? This should have been a great weekend. I'm going to college! I got accepted to a college that's offering me $20,000 a year! I got a new laptop, a really amazing laptop! I had a part (albeit small) in the school play this weekend! Why am I sitting here bawling my eyes out?! All the time?! This time last year I was so happy. I had social contact every night. I had people who cared about me. I didn't sit and discuss with my computer screen or my stuffed dog how much it sucks to be alive. I miss last year so much...
I almost had a nervous breakdown last night when I thought I'd lost all my saved rps. I started crying. That rp was so important to me, and losing all of that would be like losing everything--losing every remnant of when I used to be cheerful, when I used to love writing, when I didn't cry myself to sleep. Thankfully, I found them on a CD I burned before my old laptop crashed. I haven't read them though--I haven't actually read them in ages, because I cry just thinking about them. But they're there for the day when I want to, or maybe when I need to, read them again.
Losing the rps would have been the last straw though. It's bad enough that everything I brought home from Japan has gotten lost. Japan was the last time I was ever happy. It really was.
It's getting really hard for me, you know? And I feel like I have no support either. I know it's not true for everyone, but sometimes, I feel like I'm trying so hard to reach out to someone and they're pushing me away. And I don't need that right now. I really don't.
Isn't your senior year of high school supposed to be the best one? Isn't it?! There are times when I wonder whether or not I'll even make it to prom. I'm so through with everything. Part of me doesn't even want to go to college anymore, doesn't want to be part of the real world. I know that the real world's "not like high school," but it's not just high school! It's me, being neglected, ignored, betrayed by people I thought I was really close to! I just want it to stop!
...I'm sorry, that was a terribly long rant...I just...Don't expect me to be on much for a little while...Things just are not going well...
Oh, and a request? SOMEONE POST ON OOTRH. FOR GOD'S SAKE. And also, someone talk to me? Maybe?
-Mattie
