So, it's always around this time of year, ever since March 14th of 2008 that I start getting depressed. Which is what is happening right now. See, on that March 14th, my great aunt passed away, I'm pretty sure it's something I've posted about before. Before then, we always used to get a card from her in the mail right about this time. For the past two years...that has been awkwardly different. We don't get a card in the mail from her on any occasion anymore.

Lately, every time my mom brings the mail in, I have this bad habit of looking for a card from her. Just in case. I think, "Maybe it didn't really happen. I went to someone else's funeral, not hers. She's still alive." But the card I keep hoping to see in an envelope, with her name on it, never comes. I'm fighting with myself, just trying to be happy for this time of year, because I'm supposed to be cheerful. If I get sad, my parents and friends all worry, and they begin to wonder. It's best to just let go, I'm aware of this. But I can't stop thinking about it for some reason.

Every time her memory comes to my mind, I start wanting to cry. A few minutes ago, I had to leave the classroom I am in, because I felt like I was going to start crying, and I didn't want to disrupt the class or make Ty have to fidget over my being sad. People have enough to deal with, so I'm trying not to be a bother to any of them. But this, this is killing me all over again. Just like the past two years have. It is painful, because I was close to her. It didn't matter to me that there was a huge difference in how far away we lived from each other, I still felt very close to her, and I was able to tell her everything. She was so easy to talk to, and so easy to get along with.

What kills me the most is that I had wanted to meet her, and never got the chance to. I was selfish when she was sick and in the hospital, and instead of worrying about getting out to visit her, I was worried I would miss my friend's birthday party. Remembering that, I feel like in some way, I took part in her sudden ill health. She had been improving...and as soon as that selfishness took hold on me, within a week, she was gone. Just gone. And somehow I knew that she had passed, the night it happened. I felt something, like an occurance had happened that I couldn't change, and it scared me. And I found out that very next day.