Remember the good ol' days? Back when hurricane season was fun?
I certainly do. I live on the United States Gulf Coast. I lived through the horror that was Katrina. I survived the muddled and demoralizing nightmare called Rita. I was huddled in fear at the overall non-event begotten by Dean.
Back in the day, we had tons of new hurricanes popping out of the woodwork, all ready to kill us with the quickness of a cobra. I remember fighting the crowds at all kinds of grocery stores, wholesale stores, hardware stores, army surplus stores, gun stores, auto stores, and every other place willing to take your money, all in an effort to equip myself with the proper gear to ensure the survival of myself and those around me. I remember the 11th hour decisions; do we stay here (and potentially drown or be killed by brigands), or do we take our chances out on the road, trying to escape to safety (and potentially drown or be killed by highwaymen)? I remember trying to sleep through the storm, knowing that, at any God-given moment, the very house I was sheltered in could implode or be swept away by the Hand of the Lord. I remember the long, mind-numbing blackouts that would last for weeks, arguing with the air conditioner, attempting to bargain with it by offering it batteries and wires to eat.
It was abject terror at its worst. It was the time of my life.
This hurricane season, however, has been nothing but lame. L-A-M-E. No flooding of any kind, no destruction of entire cities, no horrible deaths, no highwaymen or brigands. This sucks. I'm going out of my mind with boredom. Every May, I stock up my panic room (and by "panic room", I mean my closet) with all the emergency rations and holy items I can find. Now, I can't even use them! Come on, Wrath of God! Smite me with a mighty storm! I didn't buy 400 cans of spam for my health, 'cause Lord knows it ain't healthy!
Now, in the wake of potentially the lamest hurricane season ever, I will impart to you, the reader, one of life's most important lessons. You know how to be prepared for hurricanes. News outlets shove the information down your throats. Old people vomit the spiel all over you as you enter the grocery store. Talking heads jabber your ear off with the sound bites to the point that it's impacted in your brain. Now, Flint, theO's renegade genius and handsomest bachelor, will teach you how to be... unprepared.
Unprepared? Why on Earth would you want to be unprepared for a hurricane? Seriously, hurricanes are nothing to joke about. We've all seen the power of these storms. Entire cities sunken, buildings crumbled, death tolls in the hundreds. I want to live, Flint! I want to live!!
First off, shut up your face. Second, think about this: Life Kinda Sucks. The economy's in the toilet. Unemployment's up the yin-yang, and climbing. Bret Hart's been retired for years, and I don't think he's coming back. People from other countries want you dead for no reason. And if your anything like me, you're thousands in the hole, with no hope of paying it back in the next ten years. What's the point of living? Furthermore, while we're on the topic of not living, if you're going to die, do you want it to be all over the news, like you're some kind of martyr? Wouldn't it be nice to just be part of the hundred-strong dead pool? Now you understand the joy of hurricane unpreparedness!
Okay, You know why. Now, you must know how. Being unprepared for a hurricane starts before a hurricane is even close to your vicinity, and it requires a great deal of effort on your part. Watch the news. Does it say anything about hurricanes? Anything at all? As an unpreparer, it is your job to spook the rest of society during this time. Here's the proper procedure for spooking the public:
*If you see a category 1-3 hurricane anywhere (ANYWHERE!) in your vicinity, it is your obligation to get everyone as terrified as possible. Why? Two reasons. One, you're helping boost your city's economy by making everyone else (not you) buy survival equipment. Second, you're riling up the public into a horror-fueled stupor. That's fun! To do this properly, you should carry around some kind of holy book, and speak to anyone you see about how deadly past hurricanes were, and how Nostradamus/John Keats/Sitting Bull prophesized the end times would be brought about by this particular storm.
*If you see a category 4 storm headed your way, it's your job to talk down to those preparing for rough times ahead. Basically, you're trying to make everyone around you feel as stupid and helpless as possible. Why are you putting up boards on your window? The value of your house just decreased by thousands, stupid. Why are you buying all that bottled water? That's nothing but liquefied plastic and carcinogen cocktail, moron. Canned food contains enough sugar and salt to give you three heart attacks, idiot. Leaving for El Paso's a great idea, if you want that gang down the road to take over your home and have sex with dogs on the bed your children sleep on, you good-for-nothing sack of crap.
*If you see a category 5 storm headed your way, now's the time to show what your made of. Walk into the local supermarket. Everyone will be hustling and bustling, buying anything they can think of to ensure survival. Now's the time for you to purchase that new television you wanted. How 'bout a new PS3? Eight boxes of Oatmeal Cream Pies? A Crate of day-old bananas? Go wild! Buy things that make no sense to survivalists. Perishables, entertainment devices, and hair-care products. Buy them en mass, and make sure everyone is watching. When you leave the store, that tough-looking biker buying all those canned yams will look you over and say, "Man, did you see the guy who bought all those ding-dongs? Man, what a badass!"
Your loaded down with all that new swag, and the rest of town's either bunkered down or outta town. The hurricane's just hitting your area. Now, you have to think of what to do during this time. After all, you’re not trying to “survive”. You’re trying to have fun! Here’s some fun things for you to do while you’re waiting for all the damn rain to stop.
*Catch up on all those video games you haven’t finished and all that anime you haven’t watched while the power’s still on. When the blackout inevitably happens, you can act out your favorite anime/video games for anyone around you! Think of them as a truly captive audience!
*Take a ride around the neighborhood! If you drive a large vehicle, like a truck or an SUV, bring along a boat! This way, when the torrential rains flood the streets to the point where they’re undriveable, you can continue your urban excursion by boat! And, since pretty much anyone with a brain will be gone, downtown will be all yours! Let that upscale nightclub try to deny you entrance due to your ridiculous clothing sense now!
*If you live by the beach, have a cookout! Make sure you have everything you need: a good grill, some steaks and franks, whatever you like to drink, maybe some graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows for s’mores, and a thick rain coat. Just think of it. The entire beach is yours! Until that storm surge takes it under, of course.
*Don’t forget to look out for news reporters. This is your big chance to make it big on television! Oh, sure, you can speak about your experience during the storm. But what Hollywood bigwig will take notice of a Johnny Nobody whining about some rain and lightning? You’ve got to turn on the theatrics during this time! Develop a persona before going in front of a camera. Really ham it up during any interviews. Make sure to use plenty curse words and vulgar phrases. Then, wait by your phone. When the power comes back on, Scorsese’ll be giving you a call!
Eventually, the storm will pass. Humanity will crawl back to what’s left of their homes. People will rebuild that which has been destroyed. Provided you’ve somehow survived, your fun doesn’t have to end! Now is the time when you show your community how much of a badass you really are! Make sure everyone knows you stayed! Tell the others they’re cowards for running, and you spit on the ground they walk on! How dare they run out on the city?! Remember to take anything offered by any state or local help programs, but contribute nothing yourself. You don’t want to look soft in front of those city-leavin’ yellow-bellied cowards, now.
Now you are knowledged, my friend. You now know the benefits of hurricane unpreparedness. Now, go forth and prosper. Look to the darkened sky, and yell, “Screw your wrath, God! I’m all about the fun, and stupid tropical winds ain’t gonna stop me from havin’ it!”
