The dreaded exam. High school is full of exams. Teachers will tell you what to expect on the exam. You will probably have an exam day, devoted entirely to said exam. You'll go home, cram all night, and the next morning say your prayers and go for it.
College is far, far different from high school, friends. You have much more responsibilities. You don't get "review days". You juggle three or four exams in the span of two days. A lot is expected from you.
You're probably sweating bullets, eh, new guy? Well, don't. You have Flint on your side! I have taken countless college exams! I know the ins and outs, and am willing to teach them to you! So, are you ready? Let's dive right on in!
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COLLEGE EXAMS: HOW THE HELL DO I DO THIS?
1) The first step in the exam-taking process is finding out when, exactly, the exam will be. Find out the date and time as soon as possible. Then, grab a calendar. Mark off all the days between today and the day of the test. These are your "kickin' around" days. Don't worry about the exam until the day of, friends. Or, more precisely, the hour before.
2) On the day of the exam, study for approximately 30 minutes in the morning, preferably while doing something distracting, like fighting with your dormmate over the last of the Cocoa Puffs. This will give you a false sense of security, and some much-needed (although unwarranted) courage going into the exam.
3) Spend as much time as possible before the test just tooling around. Talk to friends. Blast some Pearl Jam. Play catch with a group of mean-spirited youths. Do anything besides study. This, too, will make you feel like you know everything there is to know about the exam.
4) An hour before the exam, you will feel doubt. This will be accompanied by swearing, complaining, and generally being a baby. This is the time to do some hardcore studying. This hour should be broken up like this:
*First 15 minutes- Buy an energy drink from the campus bookstore, and have a chat with the clerk about the price of things and the economy in general.
*Next 10 minutes- Have a conversation via text message with that idiot roommate of yours about cleaning up his blood from the sink. You don't know how it got there, why it's there, but you'll be damned if you're gonna clean it up.
*Next 5 minutes- Talk to a cute girl/guy trying to study for her/his exam.
*Next 10 minutes- Fumble around with your Ipod. You're trying to look for Europe's "Final Countdown". You swore you had it. Then, you remember you hadn't synced it the night before. So, you look for that sweet "Lake of Fire" cover by Nirvana, but stumble on "Mary Jane's Last Dance". What the Hell. Tom Petty, let me have it!
Next 5 minutes- Buy a bag of Funyuns from the vending machine near you, then regret the choice. They had Gardetto's. Freakin' Gardetto's, and you chose funyuns?! What's the matter with you, honestly?
Final 15 minutes- Try to study your notes. Seriously, try it. You'll get sidetracked when the Foo Fighter's "My Hero" starts blaring in your ears.
5) Go to class, and take your seat. Ready yourself for the test by thinking that you can bomb at least one exam and still pass with a B if you make high marks on the rest. You will soon realize that you've forgotten to bring a scantron sheet. You will have to pay a dollar to anybody who has a spare.
6) You are now ready to take the exam. Here are a few stratagems when facing a real college exam:
-Thanks to all your kickin' around before the exam, you will know nothing about anything on the exam. That's okay. You will still have a strange feeling of calm. In fact, you'll usually feel calmer during the exams you are completely unprepared for than the ones you have crammed for days for.
-Mark any answer as either the longest answer choice, or the shortest. The ones that look about even length are obviously booby answers placed by your professor to throw you off.
-When in doubt, mark any answer 'B'. The law of averages clearly states that your professor will select 'B' as the correct choice 25% of the time. If that's not enough incentive to just mark the answer 'B', I don't know what is.
-Finish as quickly as possible. Really gun it. Try to be the first done. This way, the others around you will feel the need to rush themselves. They will get sloppy, their test scores will suffer, and yours will look better by comparison.
7) The end of the exam is not the end of the exam-taking process. When class meets next, beg the teacher for an extra credit assignment. It's your only hope.
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So, using these college exam-taking tips, you too can take exams! Not PASS exams, mind you. Also, you'll have some explaining to do to your parents when you drop EVERY class your taking.
By then, you'll have been promoted at your job at the local Starbucks, so what's the big deal?
-Flint
