Otaku Log
my mind is racing again. thoughts of death, life, mistakes, chaos, sickness, of many more different things.
death of a loved one, one that was so great to me. why does it still haunt my thoughts when i am alone? what is it that makes being alone so damned dangerous to ones mind when you are on a knifes edge as it is? what is it that i can't deny when i am trying to so hard? he is dead. end of story, i can't do anything about it, never could so anything to stop it. and yet it still stays.
of the one person, would he respect the choices i've made? would he see the struggle that i deal with daily, and hopefully understand. would i even be able to smile and hug him back like i use too. or have i become too hard in my heart?
am i still even human in that regard? i have no idea. i hear it, i feel it sometimes, but when i look in a mirror, when i look at my inner world, i don't see life, i see emptiness. i see pain, i see a shell that should have a soul.
but it seems like it left me, so i adopted a psuedosoul, a part of an original, but not all the same. i adopted a personality that i wish i could actually have. that i should be. but my mind seems to slip from it now and again, to remember who i really am when i am alone. when i am looking at my true self. is it really who i am, or is it just my dark side clashing with my light side. all is troubling because i honestly have no damned clue. it all just leads to chaos, to pain, to calm periods of life..... but the pain never leaves. it never truly lets me go.
the pain of my mind. of one who is never truly just one person. one personality, no stability, no true hold or base of thought. i can see all sides of a person's view because i have probably them at one time, but it is all chaos. it is all insanity of a mind that might never actually find it's peace. it's balance.
it all is just one big nightmare.
that isn't even all of my nightmare, because no matter how hard i try. i can never find that which i truly desire. that which would calm my darker side, whould make me whole. I might have at one time. but we lost it long ago, when i never said what i should have. when i knew at first what i knew was in her.
she woould never understand my struggle back then though. because she had her own worries, her own pains. pains i came to know later, but the struggle we both have remains to some extent always.
now the question is if i would ever find that which i knew could be. or will i leave it be. that one is not ready, nor am i most likely.
so i will remain in turmoil for a while longer. for pain is my one true constant. I know that. i accept that.
end log.
