Desiree’ Pena
September 6, 2008
[DEAR VINCENT]
I Can’t Breathe; I Can’t Think . . . Help. . .
Dear Vincent,
It’s been a year since you were declared dead.
It’s been so long, and I can’t believe how long.
Well, I know I miss you.
And, I know it’s been hard without you.
But, I hope you’re finally happy now.
I tried.
I really did.
But, I wasn’t much help was I?
I thought I mattered to you.
But, I guess I was wrong again.
Vincent, you were so stupid back then,
I wish you were different.
I wish you would have changed.
I managed to find ten things I had always hated,
And we both deserve to know.
Even now,
Everything can change.
Or,
At least I hope so.
Well, here goes:
1.) I hate that you were self-centered.
A lot of times I didn’t feel like I mattered.
I felt that you thought that I wasn’t important.
You always seemed to come first.
I always put you first.
But,
I was never that lucky.
You couldn’t do the same for me.
Did I even matter to you?
2.) I hate that you couldn’t be happy with what you had.
You complained so much,
I gave you everything
I fixed every wrong I had,
Every wrong you found.
But,
You couldn’t fix me,
Just like I couldn’t fix you.
But, I tried.
So, why weren’t you happy?
3.) I hate that you couldn’t say what was on your mind.
I KNOW you were in pain.
I could always feel it.
But,
You never told me.
I could have helped.
I could have saved you.
I could have understood you.
But,
You wouldn’t let me.
Why couldn’t you tell me?
4.) I hate that you wanted to be invisible.
I wish I could have changed that,
But,
I could never do a thing.
Not thing that mattered to you.
I wanted you to love you like I loved you.
But,
You couldn’t see yourself like I could.
Why would you even wish that?
5.) I hate that you were a jerk to everyone.
Everyone cared,
But,
You pushed everyone away.
Even me,
You told me that I was your everything,
That I couldn’t be replaced,
But,
You only saw yourself in my reflection.
Sometimes,
You didn’t care how I felt,
You thought you did.
But,
You only thought of you.
Why couldn’t you feel everyone’s concern?
6.) I hate that you hurt yourself to numb your pain.
Vincent,
I tried to help you,
I was there,
I was always there,
I’m STILL here.
And I would always help you through anything.
I know your past,
I lived it with you.
I felt your pain, just like you felt mine.
Vincent,
I loved you.
I never wanted you to be in pain.
Why would you hurt me by hurting yourself?
7.) I hate that you worked yourself to death,
Literally.
It hurts me to know that you never stopped.
You worked so hard.
You said it was all for me.
That hurt me even more.
I wanted you to stop.
I wanted you to rest,
Because,
I loved you.
You said you wouldn’t close your eyes as long as I loved you.
You said you would work so we could be happy.
Did you love me that much that you never stop trying to show me how you felt?
8.) I hate that used how I felt for your gain.
Vincent,
I loved you.
I still love you.
You used that against me.
Until,
You fell in love with me.
You apologized,
But,
The pain never left.
How could you do that to me?
9.) I hate that you couldn’t look me in the eyes.
When you left me,
You hurt me so bad.
But,
You loved me so much,
That you couldn’t leave me that way.
You said my eyes were filled to the brim with sadness,
But,
You couldn’t look away.
You said you wouldn’t let me take you back so easily,
Because you added onto my pain.
How could you be so hard on yourself?
10.) I hate that you embedded your memory into my heart.
I don’t want to ever love another.
I don’t want anyone taking your place.
I love you.
I only see you.
You’ll always be mine.
I’ll always keep the hurt if it means I keep you.
These words aren’t easy,
But,
I can live without you,
I just can’t live the way you want me to.
Because,
I’m alone without you.
Don’t you think you took this way too far?
Well, I guess when you lose someone you say, “But” a lot.
I guess I shouldn’t be crying anymore. (Why am I crying . . .?)
I guess I haven’t stopped thinking of you. (Why can’t I stop . . . ?)
I wish I never loved you. (Why do I still love you . . .?)
Whoever said it’s better to have loved than lost didn’t understand this. (They couldn’t have understood. . .)
How can you go back after this? (There is no back. . .)
How can I love after you? (There’s just no way. . .)
How can I forget you after this? (There is no forgetting. . .)
Vincent, I still love you.
And, I would NEVER wish for you to come back and suffer.
