It could just be because I teach people (kids) a method of communication for a living, but it's come to my attention recently that it's not something I'm very good at. Communicating things, I mean, not the teaching part. I'm awesome at that. (Well, if not awesome, at least popular...) Actually I get the feeling I may have made a post about this kind of thing before. Something about words spinning...I think the problem is that I mean to say things that I don't. Not that I don't mean the things I do say, just....I sometimes can't seem to say all of them. And it's not for lack of vocabulary (I've been reading the dictionary again after all...) I often think I'm good at deciphering what other people want to say, and then I get disappointed when they can't understand what I want to say. But I suppose it's no different from the way I'm always disappointed by people's lack of memory power. Even though I should know better than to expect it to be as good as mine by now (or to bother reminding them about it...it just ends with me looking nit-picky)
We were supposed to have this "super typhoon" this weekend, but just like always it's turned into nothing more than a lazy tropical storm. I hate the rain. I really do. I'm a bit fond of thunderstorms, but of course there's never any of that with something like this. But still....I can't help looking out my back door every time a band rolls through and feeling comforted. It reminds me of that home so many miles away, across oceans and skies that blend together in blue-gray nothingness. That home where I wasn't born but everyone believes I was. I never wanted to claim it, so why does it become dear to me when I'm gone?
I've been feeling lightheaded lately, like I'm almost dizzy but not quite. Or like I'm almost looking at myself from the outside, but not quite...there's some tiny thread keeping me tethered inside myself. (I hope it's just Mtn Dew withdrawal or something else that will go away on it's own...) I come back to myself and remember that I don't have much more time to be here and I find that I care less and less every time.
忘れてる、覚えてるそうして、私は消えていく...
