At times I find myself a slave to my reputation. Certain people expect me to behave a certain way towards them and if I don't...well, it's not so much that I'd be letting them down...I don't much care if I do that after all...but people seem to have this idea of what "Katy" is, and if I'm not that, well....things might not go the way I want them to. Or something...
I have this really clear memory of riding home from school with 2 of my "big brothers" from the drumline in high school in which I'm sitting in the backseat singing under my breath. They know I'm singing, and they keep trying to turn the radio off at unexpected times in order to hear it but I always manage to catch myself just in time. Thinking back, I can't imagine why I wouldn't have wanted them to hear me singing. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know then why I didn't want them to. I'm a good singer. I've always known this. My mother sings in a band and she taught me. I've always been proud of my voice. By the time I started high school I'd sung on more stages than I could remember. None of them were big, or money making, but still...people heard me. But that wasn't the "Katy" that those boys knew.
In another version of this memory I'm thinking about something I really want to say to one, or both of them while I'm singing. It's usually something trivial like, "Today in Biology we started genetics and I really liked it." or "I yelled at my Geometry teacher again today." or maybe even, "Can you turn the radio up? I like this song." And I can't say it. In fact, I can't say anything at all because I'm thinking things like, "That's stupid." "They don't want to hear about that." "It's really not that important after all." along with, "OK, after this song is over I'll say it..." "Ah...they started talking I'll say it when they're done..." "Oh, I like this song, after I'm done listening to it I'll tell them...." and then suddenly we'd be home, it was only a 15 minute drive but it always seemed like I was thinking for hours.
Even now, more than 10 years later, I notice that more often than not I won't say the things I want to say. Can't say the things I mean to say. Not if they're incongruous with the image the person I'm talking to has of me. And definitely not if they're going to give that person some kind of information about...me...It's absurd, really. I'll freely tell people all the "bad" things I've done, all the "bad" things that have happened to me, and not feel the least bit compromised. But there's no way for me to force out things like, "This made me happy." "I thought you might like to hear about this." "I like ~. Do you like ~ too?" "I think ***. What do you think?" All those simple phrases we teach elementary school kids to express themselves with continue to elude me...
...I believe my best course of action would be to resign myself to a life alone. No one will ever love me because I won't let them...
