Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing keeping this account open. I'm not friends with anyone under this screenname. I've never been friends with anyone under this name. Nor do I have any desire to be. It was created as a place to hide and used as such for a while, but then, at the same time as I lost interest in using my original account, things changed around here and the site became something used for things I never took part in. Some time later I thought I wanted to use it again. The old way. Who knows why, but it's clear it wasn't because I wanted to be "part of something" again. Otherwise I'd go about things differently, wouldn't I?
否定的な人間...
There are things I say I want to do. Things I think I'm good at, and should do. Things that I ought to be happy doing. I'm still not doing them. Why? Because I'm afraid of failure? That seems too easy an out. There are plenty of people who think I'm good at that stuff. Hell, there are more than enough of them who say I am. And I guess I shouldn't say I don't do anything, after all, I draw tons of stuff, even if it's not what I want to be drawing. And the people I give it to like it. Most of the time anyway...but recently it seems like they don't matter anymore. All that matters is that the one person whose approval I want doesn't ever seem to notice. I scream and I shout, working harder, thinking only of being praised by that person, and....nothing...I don't make a sound. I don't get one single dent of a smile, maybe a few hollow words of gratitude, but no hint of pleasure to indicate that I've made something worthwhile, something good. No, if there's anything at all it's forced, as if the words "I'm better than you, why do you bother trying? You should just leave this kind of thing to me." are hanging in the air between us. And then it's right back to, "me, me, me!" before I can blink, and I think I know what Naruto felt like, fighting and struggling to be recognized by Sasuke, aching to be acknowledged even as a rival if not a companion, not better, just equal. Enough. Standing on the same ground. And I hate myself all the more for wanting it. I who have spent most of my life looking down on others, believing because I was told that I was better, had no need of them, no use for them. What is someone like that doing wishing for acceptance? How can someone as brave and conceited as that feel like quitting and hiding thanks to one unwitting child?
The more you love, the more you give, the more you give, the more you need, and the more you need, the more you hate yourself for needing.
Lately I feel like closing down this account might be a good idea. It's a huge waste of time to edit and post art that almost no one is looking at, right? Of course, I could post it on my facebook like I was up until 2011 started, but I want to close that down too. (I'll never be able to though, thanks family...) And what would be the point anyway? So more people who know nothing about it can give me empty compliments? So here I sit....I write a blog on a non-blog-centered site that's read by a few of my real-life-friends who can't comment on it, rather than updating something normal like facebook, joining a regular blog site like livejournal, or making friends with people here who can comment and sharing in their stories as well. I post art that is occasionally seen by kids and dabblers, rather than join a proper art community like deviantart. Sometimes people comment, more often they don't. I don't much care. It's likely because I never comment on anything of anyone else's. There's a momentary thrill when I make the top ten artists once in a while, but really? What will come of that? It's not as though people are scouting around here for future manga-ka. (And I wouldn't know if they were, would I? Another side effect of not bothering to make friends...) Somewhere along the way the internet became just another place where people are "nice" to each other. You update, people comment, they "smile" at you. You respond. Everyone is cheerful. And if they're not, you comfort them. You read what they have to say, tell them their work is good, or try to "help" them with their problems. All this mental effort after work. I'm not suited to it. I expect I won't delete my account though, here or anywhere else.
Moving forward seemed to be an option, of course, but I just wanted to stand still.
