I'm having a confused moment...it's one of those times when I think I have something to say, only I don't know what it is.
I had to say goodbye to a bunch of kids today. It's the second school so far this year, but this one was a lot sadder than the one in July. We took pictures and they gave me stuff just like always, and I thought I wouldn't cry, just like always but....somehow it was different. I think I might actually miss them...or maybe it's just because I know this is the beginning of all the goodbyes that will come in the next 6 months...and here I was thinking I didn't want to do this anymore....just yesterday I was telling my friend Aya that it was just work now, that I'd stopped having fun with little kids so maybe it was time for me to teach somewhere else. And then today I had this sickening, floaty feeling like, "this is where I'm supposed to be" or some other sentimental nonsense that I don't believe in.
...探してでも絡まって...
I've been putting off thinking seriously about having a new job. Not about finding one, I've looked into lots of places & I'll be sending out resumes soon. It's easily, mindlessly done really. I just can't think about having one. I've been happier with my current one than possibly any other job I've ever had. Sure, it has its frustrating moments but I'm used to it, and more importantly I'm good at it, and thinking about having to learn the way things work in a new place again isn't all that appealing. People like me here. Sometimes it bothers me, the pressure of their expectations, but in the long run I know it's good for me. Things should just get easier if I stayed here. If I could stay here.
With having a new job comes, most likely, living in a new place. Something's going to change. Something has to, whether I want it to or not. I'll move and other people will do what's right for them, and life will go on down separate roads for all of us. It's nothing new to me. But I still don't really like it. I can't think about having the new job, but I can think about what it might be like to live in a couple of places. Both could be fun, but either one will leave me with a gaping hole where someone important has slipped a little farther away...
This really isn't a decision I want to make.
...愚かで美し...
