I can't stand not knowing things. I am the great master-planner after all, so not having certain information is like doing a puzzle but knowing from the start that you don't have all the pieces. You really want to do it, but there's almost no point to it since it can't be finished. So everything just sits...in pieces....

It's almost Christmas....but for some reason it doesn't feel like it at all. I get the feeling that I may have said that in previous years but it seems worse this time. Maybe it's the lack of Christmas lessons in my schools - a grand total of 2 as compared to previous years which held 3 weeks straight of singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and drawing Christmas cards with my kids - or maybe it's because I haven't spent much time downtown this December and haven't been able to really notice the Christmas decorations that consistently vomit all over the place. School ended today and I don't feel one single ounce of relief like I usually do. Everything I'm supposed to do during the break has suddenly become a chore...whether it's work related or something I planned myself...it feels like my jaw hasn't unclenched in weeks.

I've had a slight cold for the past week or so, nothing serious, I can still stay up past 10pm and teach 4-5 classes of kids without collapsing. It's just that dizzy, sniffly, no energy for anything other than work kind of cold, but it's killing my appetite even more than usual for some reason. I'm sure another part of my イライラ-ing is due to the cold and the dark recently. It's almost the solstice after all. Just a few more days till it starts getting lighter instead of darker...too bad it will only keep getting colder for another two months.

There are a lot of things I have to do, but I'm too desperate trying to stop things from leaking out of the hole that opened in my heart and I can't stand up.