Something's wrong with me. I didn't realize it was a big problem until recently. I used to joke around about it in fact. Maybe my talking about it caused it to become reality, or maybe it was a problem all along but either way, I'm afraid of people. Not any certain type of people in particular, just human beings in general. I don't think I was always like that. I can't have been when I was a child, but somewhere in my dislike, disgust and distrust of people who might do something to hurt me I became unable to even speak to someone without thinking frantically of how I'm going to get away from them.
I've tried to think of what it is people might do that would cause me to want to get away, and all I've come up with is that they could ask me to do something for them & I don't know how to say no gracefully. It's all or nothing with me. That's another thing I like to "say" but more and more I notice that it's really true. I can't have casual friends for some reason. Suddenly I'm thinking that might not be normal. Not only that, I'm thinking I might want to be normal. I might want to try to talk to people I meet for more than 30 seconds because they might be interesting. They might be able to show me something new in this world that's become horribly mundane as of late. Also because they might think I'm interesting and want to hear what I have to say. Which most people don't so that's not such a bad thing either.
Twice in the past week I've "run" from someone who wanted to get to know me. There was no reason to assume either of them had malicious intentions, I just didn't know how to keep hold of the conversation. I didn't know what was going to happen so I didn't want to be there. I spend every day working in an environment where I don't know what's going to happen by choice, because when it's the same all the time it's boring. But out in the real world, where there's no cute kids to hug me, or the guarantee of being liked despite being misunderstood (or perhaps liked because I'm misunderstood...) I just can't handle things that well. After I ran, I felt bad. Not because I'd failed or anything like that. Although, that's the usual reason for my bad feelings. No, I felt bad for the Japanese person who was left thinking, "Wow, that foreigner must have really been annoyed to have to talk to me." Next time that person probably won't be so brave, and that's sad. It's sad that I did that to someone's confidence, and it's sad that the Japanese already have no self confidence to begin with.
I've been telling people lately that I'm nervous about going home for Christmas. I thought it was just one of those things I was saying to say it, making conversation like always, but I realized that's true too. This is what I've always dreamed of, going home in "triumph" so to speak. Every other time I left home thinking secretly, "I'll show everyone how great I can be!" And came back empty handed. Less than that if possible. Every other time I've gone away and returned I was the true prodigal son. Alone, broke, miserable, unhealthy, you name it, I was welcomed, loved, comforted though I pretended not to need any of it. Now that I'm successful, cute, strong, and popular.........I don't want to go back and hear people praise me. Guess the grass really isn't all that green anywhere........
