Okay so I turn the game on and right away you get stuff about save info, which isn’t something you needed to know. Then the intro video starts up with credits over it, if you want to find it you can find it over on youtube. I want to comment on the video but I WON’T! Then a sepia zoom in and scan on the cover art and it fades into color and the right size for the screen and you get that classic Kingdom Hearts menu screen music and I die. I want to rant about everything but I WON’T! Playing in standard mode so I can bust through for the story’s sake. There’s a new mode call “critical” which is higher than “proud” which I can only imagine gives you literal butt hurt. AGAIN THEY PLAY THAT OPENING VIDEO! I will not be happy if I have to keep sitting through this ….
SPOILERS AHEAD!
- WE’RE ON DESTINY ISLAND!
- OH MY GOD! XEHANORT?
- AND GUY WITH A BLANKET? What could this all meeeeean!
- Organization!Cloak guy with a blanket… and a beard. Who sounds like Master Xehanort…
- Already too many Xehanorts… Master Xehanort is the old dude from the opening whereas the first reference to Xehanort was about Ansem the Wise’s apprentice. Oh god Xehanort is the new Ansem… WHY DO YOU DO THIS KINGDOM HEARTS?!
- Anyhoo guy who is possibly Master Xehanort rags on Destiny Island saying it’s like a prison which makes me upset… :c
- Dumps the blanket… with feet… AND IS A NAKED DEAD VENTUS on the paopu tree. GUUUYS~
- I dunno where you are… LIGHT! And loading… and Dive in the Heart music? Whut… no game I wanted to play as Aqua! We can’t go through a calling just yet!
- SHIRTLESS VEN FOR THE FAN GIRLS!
- Shirtless!Ven with dead eyes… ew game.
- Also our friend the creepy disembodied voice is back!
- Okay this is super creepy… Ven is talking to the voice (which is actually just text but) and they’re talking about Ven’s light which never bodes well in these games. And Ven says his heart is fractured (D:) and his pillar isn’t a pretty mosaic but just a white shinning circle with a BIG CHUNK missing. Oh god…. Guuuuys
- HIS LIGHT IS SLIPPING AWAY! GOD WHY ARE YOU SO DEPRESSING SO SOON GAME!
- And Ven is being offered to share his heart with the voice…. And the crack starts to fill in. GUUUUUYS~
- The voice says their hearts…light? has touched which will give Ven the strength to win back his light that has slipped away but… THIS IS SO SHADY! KINGDOM HEARTS YOU ARE WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!
- TIME TO WAKE UP! YES PLEASE!
- Open the door you say? That’s what we do in EVERY GAME, GOSH.
- Ven’s blank pillar fills in with the sleeping Ven pillar from the opening. Again: I DON’T WANT TO BE CALLED YET, I WANT TO PLAY AS AQUA!
- On Ven’s pillar you can see that scraggly dustland place where the secret endings take place…. BODE WELL DOES NOT!
- Back to the guy who is possibly Master Xehanort on Destiny Island and dead/blanket Ven who.. wakes up and summons a keyblade to guy who is possibly Master Xehanort’s surprise. Ven sends up sparks and… that’s it?
- Dead!Eyed Ven wakes up and the sparks are stars and… GAME I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.
- We’re now in a bedroom that looks like Roxas’ and Sora’s bedrooms mated. I don’t know if this is just standard bedroom stuff in the KH universe or… OF COURSE IT’S VENS! There’s a weird mask that looks like a Goron from Zelda. Ven also has some weird symbols and a telescope which is like mixing the old bedrooms of KH with the new.
- Confession, I might be too willing to connect Ven and Sora/Roxas…
- Ven wakes up in his bed that could fit six Vens and… has his shoes on. I blame the lazy game people for this and not Ven. Ven gets up to look out his window (ROXAS) and yells:
- A METEOR SHOWER! And I fall in love.
- So we’re in: Land of Departure!
- There are so many stars…. Which is an odd thing to mention I know but in Kingdom Hearts lore every star is a World so… gosh so pretty and so scary for the future. We’ve seen the sky in other games and… holy crap.
- So Ven lives in a castle and is hoofing it and Jesse McCartney has just won me over, the guy should do this for a living.
- Pfft so the first time we get to control ANYBODY we’re off to chase down stars.
- So we come to a… training ground? And Ven wants to stop to hit some stuff with the X button. Sigh.
- OH GOD GUYS TREASURE CHEST! Also: Ven is super light on his feet. He can book it like nobody else ever has in these games and can jump like it’s nobody’s business.
- Ven finally realizes he’s been effing around and is missing his METEOR SHOWER! So off we go into another cut scene.
- Oh god, Ven is like… a puppy. Seriously he puts Sora to shame. WHAT A HYPED UP BAG OF SUGERY GOODNES! Oh, he’s so adorable I love him forever already.
- Ven asks an ominous question which… takes the love down. CAN’T WE HAVE NICE THINGS?!
- IT’S AN AQUA! EVERYBODY SCREAM!
- …Ven screams. And this scene is just like Kairi waking Sora up in KH1. I miss the trio. But… hopefully these three newbies won’t make me miss ‘em too much. OH GOD HE SAYS THE SAME LINE!
- Aqua’s voice… is annoying. The VA has this weird lisp-type thing that’s AUGH. Maybe it’s an accent? I dunno it’s annoying.
- So I guess Ven and Aqua have always lived at the castle, which is cute. They’re like brother and sister. Which means no shipping ya’ll.
- The two of ‘em start to have a Lion King conversation about stars when: MOTHER FUCKING
CHRISTAN BALETERRA WALKS IN and is all like the stars are worlds, dumbbutts. - AUGH CHRISTAN BALE RUINS EVERYTHING HE TOUCHES!
- And Terra drops ominous hints and GAME REALLY?
- Aqua makes the best face ever as the boys start to argue. Amen sister, amen. Then she says they’d “make the weirdest brothers” so… maybe you can ship Terra and Ven (NO DON’T GUYS THAT’S SICK)
- Everybody laughs and there’s stars and they’re still sitting up on the cliff and seriously WHERE IS THE SEA-SALT ICECREAM!
- I-I told you I’d try to make too many connections between Ven and Sora/Roxas.
- Aqua gets up because she remembers they have an OMG TEST tomorrow and pulls out GOOD LUCK CHARMS! She’s the cutest thing ever. The only one I have yet to fall for is Terra… who I doubt will do anything cute in the future to warrant my unconditional love.
- Ven is happy that he gets one too. AW TRIO TIME! They’re so much happier then Sora, Kairi and Riku who always appeared to be fighting over one another. Also: the star charms are modeled after paopu fruits so “nothing can ever drive you apart” Maybe I’m reading too much into this but: OMINOUS
- The star things allow you to D-link or get powers from people you meet along the way. So… no super happy party time in this game? :C
- Also: WHY AM I NOT AQUA YET?!
- Terra wants to fight…. Crap. VEN NO! Wait… I’m Terra!
- So the fighting style is different… and I don’t want to get into it. But…. Just so ya’ll know.
- NO AQUA! I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT YOU TOO! Actually we get to play as Aqua too and we learn more fighting stuff. AND WE GET TO CHOOSE WHO WE WANT TO BE FOR THIS FIGHT! I’m afraid to pick anybody else so we’re going with: Aqua! As Aqua you get to beat Ven to a pulp.
- When you’re done Ven says he knows that Aqua and Terra are ready for their exam and Aqua says something about a master who said Power (which a capital OMINOUS P) is born within the heart.
- We get to save, yada yada… VEN DODGE ROLLS! YAAAAY DODGE ROLL! Also: Ven’s color of choice is GREEN!
- The trio decides to go back but Aqua lingers on top of the hill and clutches at her little blue star and again says stuff about them staying together forever. I think she’s the most concerned about what this exam might mean. If only Terra and Aqua are taking it that might mean they graduate or something and have to leave Ven behind while he trains more. :/ Mama!Aqua?
- OMINOUS: That would be the last night we spent together under the same stars. All three of them say it TOGETHER. Whut could this mean? I thought there was one sky, one destiny. Will stars start going out, is that why it’ll never be the same? Or does it just mean they won’t be together under the stars again… EVER. GAME WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!
- Holy cow it’s Mickey Mouse! Who’s doing his best Soccer’s Apprentice in Yen Sid’s tower. Also: Mickey cocks his head to the side like a confused puppy. AND THE STARS TWINKLE OMINOUSLY, GAME SERIOUSLY?
- NOW! We get to pick who we play as, we’re back at the Dive to Heart Calling Stations. Picking: AQUA! For those of you who don’t know why we’re picking Aqua it is because she seems to be in the middle of the three stories so there will be lots of OH MY GOD WHATS GOING ONs.
- We’re… inside the castle and it looks like we’re getting ready to do the EXAM. Also, Master Xehanort is giving Ven rape eyes… hopefully he’s not the one he’s sharing his light with… OH GOD GUYS DID THAT TAKE PLACE BEFORE OR AFTER WHAT WE’RE WATCHING?! D: Even so: RAPE EYES.
- So this exam is a test of hearts… and Terra is all srs faced and Aqua is like… looking like a china doll. Pfft. Also apparently they both have to pass or neither of them do and NOW WE’RE FORMALLY INTRODUCED TO MASTER
RAPE EYESXehanort. - It looks like the test is to pop light balls…. Until MASTER XEHANORT TAMPERS WITH WITH A DARKNESS TWIDDLE FIGNERS! Seriously he ruins everything. One dark/light ball goes after Ven who’s all like “Seriously guys… it’s a ball. Just do your exam.” Well… that’s a lie. Ven is too much of a spazz to say anything that chill.
- HA! Aqua tries to send Ven to his room! Priceless! Seriously why isn’t there a cut scene of Aqua putting a helmet and kneepads on Ven or something.
- Now for the fighting! I know Kingdom Hearts games are somewhat notorious for their long intros but this was getting ridiculous. It’s been like… a hour at least.
- So light balls defeated and we… have another trial? AND WE HAVE TO FIGHT TERRA! CRAP! I wonder what this would be like playing as Ven? You just get to watch or something? Wait… everybody gets to watch and Aqua almost gets Terra in the face. WHUT DARK ARM TERRA?! No fair, Aqua should pass and Terra shouldn’t, even if he didn’t use the dark arm. He still brought it out or lost control of his emotions or something.
- YES ONLY AQUA PASSES! Terra’s “D:” face is priceless. Their teacher totally calls Terra out for his dark arm moment. Good job dude. Though at least he reminds Terra that there will be a next time, which is nice.
- Because Aqua passed we’re privy to certain knowledge. Huzzah! Again, I wonder what this scene would be like from Ven’s POV or if it’d be any different for Terra.
- Ven and Aqua try to comfort Terra but he seems totally confused as to where the dark arm came from: FROM WHEN YOU GOT PISSED THAT AQUA WAS BETTER THAN YOU.
- Master Xehanort is talking now… about Ventus. SERIOUSLY? …OH GOD IT’S VANITAS! Who… sounds like… oh god guuuuuys Sora...?
- Vanitas wants to beat the shit outta Ven and you kinda have to love him for it. Master Xehanort is all like “HELLZ NO BITCH, YOU WON’T RUIN MY REPUTATION UP IN THIS HERE GOODY-TWO SHOE HOUSE!” … And Vanitas wants Ven to leave home? Por que? Why do all these bad guys want into Ven’s pants? Is there candy in there?
- Terra storms off. I kinda hate him right now. Douche.
- The teacher guy is all like “Aqua you should always know that keyblade masters should be aware of” when the Lolz!Bell starts to chime.
- Teacher guy spots some sparklies and Terra comes running back (probably was eaves dropping on our super-secret keyblade master meeting) and we’re sent off to investigate. Wait… he’s talking to the sparkles?
- So the sparkles was Yen Sid… who was once a keyblade master? AND THE PRINCESSES OF HEART ARE IN DANGER! OH NOs! Not just from darkness (but... are there Heartless? If so there shouldn’t be to many of them as the great Ansem of douchiness has not hit yet) but also… negativity? Really Nomura? Well now we know what the Unversed are.
- Also Teacher guy can't get into contact with Master Xehanort (wasn’t he just here? How long after the exam is this?) so he’s now part of our mission to.
- Mission: Kill some Unversed and find Master Xehanort!
- We get to travel off to new worlds and we get armor and… this is going TO FAST! Also: Don’t tell anybody there are other worlds. Or as Sora/Donald/Goofy would call it “MEDDLING!”
- Before we go Teacher guy reminds Terra that this could be a way to prove himself. And also reminds him that he loves him like a son (aww (this will end badly)) and that if he could he would name him a master but can’t because…. Terra’s obsessed with power. And Teacher guy goes Yoda on us:
- Fear leads to obsession with power, and obsession beckons the darkness. Darkness brings you to the dark side and the dark side has cookies?
- Aqua’s all like SERIOUS BUSINESS and there goes Ven!
- But… Aqua gets called back by Teacher guy.
- Teacher guys realizes how much of a danger Terra can be, not only to others but to himself. He asks Aqua to bring Terra back home if she thinks he’s starting to lose it. Seriously, can I marry Teacher guy? He’s after my own heart.
- Aqua promises to bring Terra back, but this time as a Master! Because Terra isn’t as weak as you think!
- Ven puppy-dogs after Terra who transforms into his armor and… summons a scooter? And takes off with a BLAST!
- And Ven puppies some more. God this kid! OH GOD THIS KID! He transforms into his armor and Aqua comes running for his ass but too late, Ven’s got a boogie board and takes off after Terra.
- Aqua and Teacher guy are like “SHIT NO, VEN! GO GET HIM!”
- Aqua is the babysitter/fetcher of the group ya’ll.
- Aqua transforms into her armor and takes off on a… whut. I don’t even…. Its… like a water ski? Thing? Maybe? Also it appears as if their keyblades turn into these galactic!rides so… I dunno how they’ll fight in space. Maybe lasers?
- We get D-links with Terra and Ven… and
- We’re on the World map! Only one world is open so we’re off to….!
As I said before... this is getting off the ground stuff so hopefully the recaps won't be THIS long on average.
