- Created By stars go bye
Huh?!?
I have a date to the upcoming "winter formal" (aka snowball) at our school...this is weird. I know, I like bringing a girl or just myself because it's so much fun to dance with everyone else who's dateless. Plus, your not limited to one guy. (That's what I did last year anyways) umm...wow...
Unfortunately, he's not a guy I would've expected to ask me. I suppose life is always full of surprises. It makes me restless in a way, which really isn't good because I'm getting sick and I seriously need sleep. Goodnight.
Putting things in perspective
Well, I have mixed feelings about everything. Everytime I find a reason for it not to be, something else always happens that causes it to come back. What's happening to me? Why am I so pathetic...then again, I am a hopeless romantic. So, I suppose it's quite funny whenever I encounter a realist that I'm so fascinated by but that I can't really say anything in front of. Admire from afar? Haha, not exactly...I'm running in circles again...maybe that's how I got lost in a circular building. Like all my posts are becoming-just a bunch of rambling and venting-so I feel shall this one be.
When has "I love you" become such an insignificant thing that it's so commonly used? People say "I love you" all the time, and don't mean it. To like someone is becoming a stronger word than love now. What's up with that? I mean, I know that there are many different versions of love, but why won't they say like? Hahaha as for me, I doubt myself a lot, but I think it's a fascination. :)
You know, this exact time last year, there was someone else who tugged at my heart so much, it ached. It's so strange revisiting those memories and thinking "that was sweet, but I really have moved on". It makes me smile, finally, I am able to truly smile about it. I have cried and hurt so much, followed by a period of numbness, and now, the time has finally come. I can look back at those memories and actually enjoy them, somewhat. It gives me peace. Finally, that part of me shall rest.
As for my current situation...well, I'm trying my hardest to not let it get out of hand. So far, it's been working...sort of. Haha like I said before, just a fascination.
Now that we're on break, I suppose I'll be writing more on here, but again, no promises. My diary has been missing for quite a while, and I have no idea where it may be...this troubles me...A LOT! Hopefully it'll turn out somewhere...so for now, I guess I'll just be sharing a portion of my thoughts here.
Full Faith Ahead!
I must admit, people do annoy me. Thankfully, I have my mom around to always give me a better insight as to how things are and to always give people the BOTD. (Benefit of the doubt). I guess I've re-discovered the one thing that annoys me the most. People bashing on other people's religions. It upsets me greatly. Honestly, people can be so ignorant at times. I'm having mixed feelings about the saying "ignorance is bliss". Maybe, ignorance isn't so bad if the person if willing to learn what he or she has failed to comprehend, but for those who refuse to seek what is the truth and remain narrow-minded, that's another story. But, who am I to judge? I am no better than you. Therefore, I am in no position to 'cast a stone'. So much thinking really brings one to go mad. Really. I don't even think I sound like myself either. It, throws me out of order, when I hear people insult my beliefs and discriminate against me. I could report them and have them thrown in jail, perhaps. But, I know exactly what my mother would say. Therefore, I shall do all that I must to forgive you, no matter how internally distraught you make me.
In other news. The strangest things continue to occur. Why is it, that everyone appears to be loosing someone? A boyfriend, a dog, a grandma? A very undesireable trend is occuring and I really don't like the sound of it. I am going to just 'let it be' like the song. :D I know that GOD has a plan for me. So, it's all in his hands. Not mine, not my family's, or friends. A force greater than the whole universe, for it was HE who created the universe. GOD. GOD is holding me in his arms. :)
I feel a sort of peace come over me. It feels...very, very nice.
My Psychological disturbance.
I am frustrated. This is seriously not cool. So, obviously I've decided to vent about it on here. I don't understand! What am I doing and what am I supposed to do with my life?!? Too many conflicts, both internal and external. I was just reviewing my previous posts...being conflicted seems to be a reoccurring theme. I know all things will be revealed in God's time...but what time will that be? I feel as though I'm idle, and yet I can't get everything done fast enough! Stress is just piling up and college is one of the main causes. In addition to that however, I need to raise a lot of money by January to be able to go to Madrid. Also, I need to seriously re-take the "huge-scary-thing-that-helps-plan-my-life-and-everything-related-in-college" test again. Which, might I add is completely outrageous! I actually did better in Science than my Math (but, I thought I knew more of what I was doing in Math rather than Science!). Also, scoring just doesn't make sense to me. It says on the website that the subscores aren't related to the actual scores you got on the section...so why is that for both english and reading, when you tally them together, you get that number? Is this just mere coincidence? Or did they mess up in scoring my test?!? Because, if I were to tally up the math, it just doesn't make any sense at all! I am going to seriously retake it...ASAP! Only problem is, the next test date, I have to be working on another fundraiser for my Madrid trip. Bleh! Life is so complicated. Whatever happened to senior year being fun and exciting? As far as I've experienced, it's just been a load of stress and hard-core decisions.
It's like as though this whole time period is trying to get inside my head...which makes me feel rushed. Also, after some self-analyzing, I've come to the conclusion that I have senioritis. But, this kind isn't from a complete lack of interest school, it's from not wanting to face my future. It's from not wanting to grow up. Grsduation day is inching closer and closer and I've come to realize that I don't want to face it. The truth is, I don't think I'm ready to close this chapter and open a new one. But honestly, it draws near. I just submitted in my cap and gown orders and money. Why must life flash by so fast? All of this bothers me. Now, I have revealed to you another portion of my psychological disturbance.
Torn Asunder
So many conflicting emotions...I honestly don't know what to do. I can't go against my father's word. I respect him too much that I fear that if I disobey him, I'm going against a part of myself. Maybe it's the culture, deep respect is given to our elders, especially to our parents. However, at the same time, I think I feel as though if I don't go through with this, I would also be going against myself. What am I to do? My father never supports me in anything I do, no extra curricular, no music, what kind of life does he expect me to live? With so many conditions set for me that I must abide by, how am I to carry out and discover what it is that is truly meant for me? How, in general terms, am I even to acquire this knowledge of myself? How is anyone to find out what they're meant to do in this life? This very thing, is what constantly brings me back to the conflicting emotions within me. This very thing, the reason that confuses my heart. In a way, I suppose this can be compared to the disney movie, Mulan. How am I to choose between duty and heart? This indeed is a difficult question. If anyone knows, or could atleast elaborate, please help me out with this. Pray for me, please. Thank you :]
