Stepping Stones

So...what now?

That's the question that keeps coming back to haunt me since I've graduated from college. The truth is, I don't know. I know I have to remember that I'm in no race with anyone other than myself, and that it just makes sense to go at my own pace because eventually I'll get where I need to be at the right time and place. The weird thing is just being in limbo I guess.

I feel like a little kid that has to jump from rock to rock in order to reach some place. The only problem is I know what the ultimate place I want to get to is, but I don't know what stops I'll make along the way. In addition to this, I feel like I've hit a stepping stone and have stayed on it because I have so many stepping stones laid out in front of me I'm not sure which one to take next. I have to think about if the stones are stable enough to be stepped on and that I can make it once I decide take that chance. In addition to this, I have to make sure that taking this step will lead me down the right path, and that I take it in confidence and not regret the rest of my journey through because of it. There are so many things to consider that I feel like for the time being I've just crouched on my current step debating on which way to go. That's basically how I feel right now.

Basics: what do I want? I want to be able to help people by using the gifts that have been given to me. I don't want it to be something mundane because I enjoy being able to be challenged creatively. Aside from this, I want to stay with Miles, the man I am dating now. That's basically all I've figured out so far. I guess that's a good start but I'm not sure where to go from here and now that I'm back home again being in a long-distance relationship bites. I guess I've braced myself for this so it's not as bad as our first summer apart, but it still has it's ups and downs.

I feel like I could rant forever but at the same time I have no idea what else to say.
I feel like I should really be getting sleep right now but my mind doesn't want to die down yet.
I can't even decide if I want to wish for company right now or just enjoy solitude.
I just know that I can't dwell on this same stepping stone for forever.

The Struggle with Intimacy

Have you ever wanted something so badly, that it scared you how badly you wanted it?

Everyone has their own personal struggles, their own personal battles, their own personal sins that they wrestle with every day.

I just want to be close, to be wanted, to be loved. I think I may have mentioned it before, but I learned that people who like the color purple tend to be very lonely. However, I think that loneliness manifests itself in different ways, depending on the person. I also learned in one of my psychology classes that you can never get enough of what you really don't want or need. I feel a need and a desire to be with someone, and trust me, I have someone very specific in mind, but because of where I am in life, I must do my best to restrain myself. I thought that I would only have to restrain myself around him, but I also have to do so even when I'm alone. Thoughts can sometimes be an intoxicating thing. Me fantasizing about different aspects of our relationship and what could become of it and so and so forth could possibly hinder the actual relationship.

Everything is already so awesome now. In fact, the real is so awesome that at times it seems unreal. I don't want to ruin that now or in the future because of me picturing what it would be like, and then getting disappointed when it isn't like that. I just want to enjoy every step of the way. I love the thrill of dating and I plan on carrying out to the thrill of marriage, to the thrill of children, to the thrill of growing old together, etc etc.

I need to stop fantasizing. I need to stop letting my curiosity get in the way and just trust in God that everything will work because He brought us together, so He certainly has a plan. I think it's just difficult because of my natural fallen nature. Despite that though, I don't want that to be some sort of justification. I want to continue to strive for holiness. I don't want my sins to take me over and I don't want to become addicted to what I see, hear, or read about in regards to the hook-up culture of today. I don't want to be pressured into anything, whether that pressure come from an outside source or from within myself. I just want everything to happen naturally.

Therefore, this is going to be my accountability. From this day onward, I will do my best to not overly fantasize in regards to my relationship with my boyfriend. If a thought enters my mind, then I will do my best to dismiss it and not let it linger and dwell on it. I will absolutely not rely on the internet and all of its endless possibilities to satiate my curiosity or my need for intimacy. I will turn away from images, sounds, actions, etc that will just contribute to the void that builds from not being truly satisfied. I refuse to settle for instant gratification.

Fighting being Lukewarm

I don't know why I feel so outside of myself. I guess I was looking at my previous post from awhile back (sorry I haven't put anything up here in awhile :/ ) and I said that I needed to step outside of myself in order to realize some things, but now that I have, I'm faced with even more uncertainty. Different things that have been happening in my life had made me realize that I am growing up. There is life after college, even if I have no idea what that life entails. The fact that soon I'll have to be making very big decisions intimidates me and makes me freeze in one spot. I know that's not good and it can't last forever. But then, I just don't know how to deal with it so I, without really even trying, just become numb. I have my options presented in front of me and I literally have no idea where to go from there. I think the thing is that I just don't want to end up making the wrong decision and that there are so many things to put into consideration that I just melt and don't want to face it anymore. I need to gather more information on everything, I need to actually sit down and have a serious conversation with certain people (GOD, my family, my boyfriend, myself, more with GOD, yeah), and then calculate things in regards to time and money, and so on and so forth. It's just so much and it's ridiculous how easy it is for me to shut down.

I'm very tired, and I get very tired easily. I hurt my back and functioning with it exhausts me, but I'm steadily getting better, I hope. I feel like I'm getting to the point where I don't know what to think. Unfortunately, from knowing not what to think, I find that I just want to be by myself, think to myself, not even really think. It's like I'm gradually becoming dormant. I guess just for awhile. Maybe I really do just need rest and then I'll be better. It's odd though, because usually I can get into the change of things pretty well, so this is weird for me to be like this. It's nice though because I've been blessed with awesome friends who are willing to give me space. I don't know what happened, I mean, I am an extrovert. However, I am that type of extrovert who actually needs some alone time, so I guess this is it.

I hope that I'll be able to post more frequently. My final undergraduate college semester isn't as heavy as all my previous ones. I'm only taking 13 credits, which still seems so unreal to me, but it's so amazing and very nice. I guess it will give me time to hopefully figure things out, and get straight As along the way.

Rip me apart. Separate me from myself.

I think I'm craving intimacy. I miss my person and listening to cute music that puts me in "extreme missing him" mode and looking up cute pictures of couples makes me miss him, but at the same time it's like it provides some type of consolation. Unfortunately, there are things that aren't exactly cute on the interwebs that kinda freak me out but I sometimes stare at in fascinated, curious, horror. There are things in life that I wish I could just unsee, or unhear, or unfeel. Liking people that I wish I didn't, hearing things that I'm better off without, and seeing things that I wish I was never exposed to, or at least not yet. These things that I wish I could undo, at the time I thought I wanted to know, or experience what it was like, but honestly, sometimes ignorance really is bliss. It makes me want to just turn away from everything and run to the innards of my soul in hopes that I can escape.

Now that I've been traumatized, I want to heal from that. I'm not going to run away, but rather I'm going to vow to not do that ever again. To avoid it. Dying to oneself has always helped me and I think that's something that I need to work on again. Things really do get harder as time goes by. Maybe it is better not knowing after all. Being in a state of innocence isn't a bad thing. It's like it protects you from all the things you're just better off not knowing.

So, I'm going to bring all that I am. Purge out the bad. Gut myself. Clean out my insides.

I'm too tired to think now. I need to be vigilant. I need to be on guard. I need to guard my heart. For the sake of my body, for the sake of my mind, for the sake of my soul and all the love that comes with it.

My chained hands, bound out of love.

Boundaries. Being able to establish boundaries and respect other peoples' boundaries is very important in fostering a relationship.

I honestly never thought that I would have a problem with this.

Usually once a line is drawn, I'm able to respect that and keep within where I am allowed. Once a line is crossed that I didn't realize was a line, I keep it in mind and am more careful to not cross it. That's how I am with my family, for most of my friends, and even with my boyfriend. In reality, if I ever struggled with this I always thought it would be with my boyfriend, but nope. The problem that I'm currently working this out with is one of my close guy friends.

Yeah, it surprised me too. I think it's because I'm just very comfortable with him, not as comfortable as I am with my family or my boyfriend, but like a close girl friend. Too bad he isn't gay. In fact, to make things better or worse (depending on how you look at it) he has a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure this all started because we had Anatomy and Physiology lab together Freshman year and I ended up being in the lab group with the only two guys in my lab. I mean, it was fun, and we all remembered each other because we all had the same lab first semester too, so why not, right? Well, in this class we ended up analyzing each others' pee. Yep, can't get any closer than that, huh. :P Well anyways, that was basically the start of being comfortable with each other, in the sense that we are close friends and can tell each other really weird things and discuss them.

Well, I have no idea if our friendship is healthy or not. Don't get me wrong, we're not friends with benefits or anything, it's just that we're really close. We have a very high tolerance in terms of physical touch because of our family and other friends I guess too, so we approach each other as though we're siblings, which sometimes can get weird.

I wanted to try to make an effort to establish physical boundaries because we aren't emotionally attracted to each other outside of friendship. In addition to this, we are both dating other people. I came to realize that it isn't fair to my boyfriend or his girlfriend how close we are to each other. I don't want to hurt them or make them feel like the bad guy whenever they say that seeing us makes them uncomfortable. I've talked about this with my friend, but then last night he shared something with me that really marinated in my mind and needs to make me firm in my resolve. He said that his girlfriend said to him "I mean, it's not that I don't want you to stop being friends with her, it just makes me feel uncomfortable." Wow, that sounds almost familiar.
***FLASHBACK TIME****
In high school I had a really close guy friend, and we're still friends to this day actually. Well, when he was dating this one girl, apparently she didn't like me. I was nice and welcomed her into our friend group and I thought that we were friends. It was only then that I heard from our other friends that she actually didn't like me at all and she wanted my guy friend and I to stop being friends. Wow. Could not believe that at all. I just continued to stay nice to her and give the benefit of the doubt, and just waited to see if she wanted to talk it out with my friend and see what my friend thought of it all. Well, either way, they ended up breaking up so it never really became an issue as far as that, unless something went down that I never found out about. Oh well.
***NORMAL TIME***
Haha what did you guys think of that little touch I did up there? Eh, I just felt like changing things up a bit. Nah I don't know, I just did it is all, regardless of flashback or whatever.

But you know, my boyfriend said that it didn't really bother him. He understands that we're just really good friends and he respects that. I seriously have the best boyfriend ever. I'm not bragging, I'm just really thankful. Honestly, the lyrics "there's just no one that gets me like you do" from the song: Only One, by Yellowcard, sincerely applies to him. However, because of this I want to continue to respect him too and not let him worry. I also want to respect my guy friend's girlfriend, because she's my friend too.

Anyways, that's my new resolve. I know that he loves her very much. I love my boyfriend very much. So, out of respect for each of our significant others, I will draw this line. We'll both agree to draw this line and be careful not to cross it, for the sake of our friendship and more importantly, for them.