"So, do you have a man yet?"

Well, I went to Starbucks today and it was the weirdest thing ever. Okay, well, maybe not the weirdest thing, but it was still pretty odd. My main intention was to meet up with a really good friend of mine, but we ended up running into someone else there who was our age who had her baby with her and her mom. I had known this girl ever since we were in elementary school together, and we even did a science fair project together. We talked and stuff, and then her mom asked me a very interesting question.
"So, do you have a man yet?"
I just smiled because the question was so out of the blue...I wonder why people like to ask me this question...and I replied with a "no"
Then, her mom said "Are you just saying no because you don't want your mom to find out?" and then I said "no" and her daughter/my friend with the baby said something like "Of course not, you know her. She always has her nose in a book, she never even notices that guys like her." This comment made me laugh, but at the same time, kinda surprised me, because it's slightly true. I mean, although it is true that I do keep my nose in the books, and I'm a psychology major who's supposed to be working on her perceptiveness, whenever it comes to myself I am completely oblivious. Then my friend continued on to say "Besides, it wouldn't be her mom, I'm pretty sure it's her dad that would be the one with the issues." To be honest, I'm pretty sure it would be both, but maybe more so coming from my dad. ^_^ I mentioned this, and my friend mentioned something about my "over-protective father" but you know, I'm really glad that he is over-protective because even though it gets really annoying at times, I understand that he's just doing that because he cares. He loves me so much and just wants what's best for me, even though sometimes what "he thinks is best" doesn't exactly mean the same thing as "what's best for you." It takes learning from both sides, and with that, sacrifice, but in the end, that's really what love is.
Anyways, back to the conversation. Her mom then said "Well, I know it's important to have your nose in a book, but every once in awhile, it wouldn't hurt to just look up." Then they both (this is how it seemed like to me, in the world of the author of this world's theater of the mind-yes, I totally stole that from Ouran High School Host Club-this is what I felt like happened) then they both seemed to just have a mad lib of talking at different paces, different wordings, but it seemed like they were saying the exact same thing... "There are a lot of guys who are interested in you and you just don't take the time to pay any attention." "Look at you, you are good looking, you are hot, you need to get out there once it awhile." and a ton of other things that could be interpreted as a pep-talk/scolding/flattery/(insert here). Honestly, it was really weird and just came and hit me at random like an unanticipated tidal wave. It felt like a teasing scold, because it's from old friends, so at first I thought everything was silly. Which, it was haha :)
But you know, thinking on it now...in a way, they are right. The thing that gets me even more, is that I hadn't realized until now that my obliviousness is that obvious?!? Is it really this obvious?!? So much so to the point that a friend of mine who I've known since elementary school, but have seen rarely ever since then even knows??? I don't get it..... -_______________-

What I found on Facebook

Yes, I did. I'm sorry, but I made sure I copied and pasted the source also. I got this from the Jesus Christ page and it really benefited me, so I can only hope that it benefits the people who read this post as well. :)

Exodus 4:10-13 "But Moses pleaded with the LORD, “O Lord, I'm not very good with words. I never have been, and I'm not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”
Then the LORD asked Moses, “Who makes a person's mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.” (NLT)

Insight
Moses pleaded with God to let him out of his mission. After all, he was not a good speaker and would probably embarrass both himself and God. But God looked at Moses' problem quite differently. All Moses needed was some help, and who better than God to help him say and do the right things? God made his mouth and would give him the words to say.

Challenge
It is easy for us to focus on our weaknesses, but if God asks us to do something, then he will help us get the job done. If the job involves some of our weak areas, then we can trust that he will provide words, strength, courage, and ability where needed. (© 2010 by Tyndale House Publishers)
God Bless,
André († Global Scope Ministries)

I think this is really funny because it's exactly what I've been wanting to hear. You know how I have my issues with talking, expression of self. God will take care of everything. :D

It got away.

I don't know what words there are to say. Every time I think I have something worth sharing, I counter those thoughts and cancel everything. To be honest, being here reminds me of all the conflicts that I've felt, reminds me of all the dreams I once chased, and for some reason I find myeslf doubting a lot of things and thinking about other things as well. Why is that I feel more steady about things when I'm out on my own, compared to when there are people around me? I feel terrible, because it makes me feel like I'd rather be alone than surrounded by so many people who love me. Actually, I'm not used to having people around because it's just become too much for me. It's like as if I can cope better in life with a bunch of people who share my same beliefs but who don't know me as well compared to people who think they know me well but I know for a fact that we don't share that same connection with God or even aspire for it. They just look at me like I'm crazy or smile and think "Oh, she's so cute. She doesn't know anything." I really hate that. I feel like I have to defend myself, and at the same time, whenever I get together with my friends here, and I tell them about where I am now, it seems as if they can't grasp where I'm coming from, and it frustrates me. I am different, and I guess what we discussed one time in my AP English class in high school is that if you are different, you have no choice but to walk it alone. The weird thing is that I would never have expected that I would be standing alone in the place I refered to as my home. I feel a stronger sense of belonging at FUS, at least, spiritually. Here, I still somewhat belong I guess, with the community, or at least, that's what I tell myself. Here's another issue I have with myself. I just can't express myself at all through words and actions. I guess I'm gradually getting better at working on my actions, but the only way I can express anything though words is if it's written down in some sort of way. It's freaky really. I used to use my music and art, but for some reason I feel as though not being exposed to my creative side and not using it enough as I'd like to is stifling my abilities. And I guess, with the growing absence of this, everything else has been gradually shutting down. Like I said earlier, I've been trying to post something on here, been trying to express all these different thoughts and emotions on here, but I just haven't been able to have them stick around long enough for me to express a complete well, anything really. It's like things become initiated, but then not followed through. It's as though I'm leaving myself hanging.

Way too much Stimulus for sleeping that I can't even finish

Hey 'ey 'ey! I'm going crazy. It's fun though in a way I guess. It's been awhile since I've felt so many emotions going on inside of me all at once. It's like as if I've tricked myself into laying dormant and the realization of it is starting to come out and burst...well, maybe not like a firework sort of thing, but more like lava oozing out. Finals are coming up....I can feel the hours slipping away. Today was my last day for classes, so it's kinda weird knowing that I'm almost at the home stretch. Is my first semester of college really almost over? I'm still trying to believe it. Seriously. I still remember all the conflict that I'd experienced both internally and externally concerning what it is I want to do with my life, which by the way, something happened the other day which someone jogged my memory...it's been a long and steady process, everything really. One by one, they come back: the people, the memories, the emotions which I thought I took care of that still remain in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. Okay, that's starting to sound like me, and yet, not like me. Lately, I've been calling it something like "my earlier self" or "my past me" or etc. etc. Because even though I've gone through this, feeling as though I haven't changed, the truth is, I don't think I am that same person I was in high school. No, I know more things now, and yet, knowing more things just makes me realize that I don't know EVEN MORE things. It's true what I've been told: the more you know, the dumber you really are. In order to obtain knowledge and self-discovery, you must always be searching and asking questions. However, when you finally do find answers to what you were asking, you let all the results sink in and then wind up with more questions. It's like a continuing task that will never quit until your death. Which, I guess is true.

Ugh, boys. (Yes, I did just say that)

Okay, fine! I'll say it!!! But honestly, I can't believe that you'd say it either. Two issues. Just great. The song I'm listening to right know just explains everything: "Confusion in my heart."
First Issue:
Honestly, I can't say any names because I made a promise, but I have this tendency to be really good friends with a guy, until I find out that they like me, or until I realize that I like them, and it always feels as though things get awkward between us, and I just don't like that. I've been getting better though, I hope. I'm working on it currently, so at the same time, I'm using this as an opportunity. But seriously. Everything was going great, and then you tell me you like me. Initial thought? "Wait, what? No! This wasn't supposed to happen! I'll only end up pulling away!" Truth is (and no, this isn't one of those Facebook things) it's finally dawning on me so much to the point that I can't fight with myself anymore about it, but hey, the first step to fixing the problem is admitting that you have one, right? So here we go. The truth is I have a bad tendency to run away from love, despite my hopeless romantic side, I give myself a brutally honest reality check to prevent myself from getting "hurt." It never truly works though, I still feel emotion. Come to think of it, that's exactly why I AM a hopeless romantic. Hopeless. I never expect anything to happen, and yet a secret part of me I guess always wishes for it, but once it's in the process or I can see where it's unfolding, my entire being puts up a red flag and I kill whatever it is that could possibly happen through subtle means. I'm like my own murderer when it comes to stuff like this. I haven't told you how I feel because personally I've never even thought about you in that way. I don't know how to react when you tell me over the phone that you hope you get to see me. I don't even know what to think...of anything in fact. I'm just trying to be honest, but I really don't want to become reckless with my honesty. Everything here is sworn to secrecy, so naturally I'm not telling you what happened, I'm just speaking of my after thoughts. I thought to myself "Well, maybe this is a passing thing?" and three weeks later, well haha. It's okay though, like I said before, I should see this as a great opportunity to see things through a different light. :)
Second issue:
Really? This really did just happen. I guess being in college has given me some support to my backbone, because I can't believe that I was able to hold my own (with so much help from GOD though and Our Lady of Perpetual Help) when talking to you. How long has it been since we've talked like this? Oh late night phone calls about silly metaphors that reveal the reality of the seriousness of things...I actually kind of missed that, but this time I was glad to be an active player. And so the game continues, but what happened this time was that the player got played. How do I feel about this? Well, he got a slight taste of his own medicine, but I didn't realize how devastating the effects could be to the poor man. So in reality, I feel bad. The good thing is, I finally resolved (or at least I thought I did) everything before this happened. I say 'I thought I did' because despite everything that's happened and the fact that I was able to come over it, doesn't mean that there are still tiny fragments left mixed with a compassion and the fact that we've been friends for so long, and the fact that "I bet you don't even realize what you do to me" kind of thing. My truth to you is, I really do care. I miss you so much, and every once in awhile my thoughts go back to those days, those little things I guess you could consider "our moments." However, the hurt has given me a bit of classical conditioning, and even though I know we're supposed to "forgive and forget" I'm fully aware that one can fully forget but still have a subconscious feeling of avoidance to prevent getting hurt again. But I really do want you to know, and I wish you could just hear me out and understand as I feel that now I'm just trying my best to desperately scream it out to you. You are beautiful and you are handsome. You have a purpose in life, I don't know what it is, so don't ask me, but you have one, I know you do. I just want you to be happy. I want to see you smile and hear your laugh again because despite all that you've put me through and still put me through, I'm so glad to have met you and even more happy to have known you. I want to get to know you more, because I want us to stay friends, keep in touch, you know? I don't want a goodbye. I may never see you again soon, and that cuts me deeper than you think. You think no one cares, and that you're better off alone and that you've never really been the "people type". I personally don't give a crap as to whether or not your a "people type" I just want you to be happy (even if that means taking a bulldozer to your one-person revolving door and winding up getting arrested for it) If it makes you happy, then it's worth it in my opinion. I do know though, that giving up and throwing your life away isn't the answer. It never is. And, neither is running away. If you constantly run away from your problems, you're going to be spending the rest of your life running away from that thing you want to avoid, and it's just going to come back and haunt you forever. You can't let things get you down, no matter how hard it is. I know you. You never back down to a challenge, that's just not your style. You're so much better than this. Please don't give up. If you do, you're not only letting yourself down, but all of the people who believe in you as well. Please. I'm tired of having that one spot in my heart that you occupy full of tears. I don't want to cry anymore. Please be happy.
Mother Teresa said that the biggest poverty in the US is loneliness, and I know that this is true. 100%