Okay everyone! Who wants to hear about my hypothetical plans of my life? Well, obviously with the start of that, this is going to be a severe ranting post...so if you really don't like this one, I understand.
1. I'm going to move out of my current living area, away from, just away. Pursue what it is I want for my life. I'm going to go on and not listen to anyone else but God and me. I'll be able to live by my heart, and not by all the chaos that haunts my mind. If I end up living in a box, hey, it'll be okay, I'll make friends with the neighbors. Obviously, no kids, possibly no marriage either. I'll make sure to alter my name and contact information so no family member will find me...unless I want them to find me. That way, no one of them will feel sorry for me, or nag at me at my choices, or force me to do something that I don't want to do.
You know, thinking about it now. All I really want to do is something that I can be happy with, but I also wanted something that can make my parents proud. I guess in this scenario, you can't have everything...which brings me to hypothetical plan number two.
2. Okay, I'll go ahead with this 'plan' of going into a university that I feel intimidated by and take biology as a major. Looking at my possible class schedule, I will be miserable during my college years, but, if I survive, I could live anywhere (pretty much) and have a pretty good pay. Honestly, that doesn't sound great, sure, I'll have all that awesome stuff and that amazing convenience, but will I be happy and content with my life?
I have come to the conclusion that if I fall in love, or if I end with a certain someone, who shares the same passions as I do, who can appreciate and live with me, and who's willing to wait, and who I know is worth it, then having to settle for the job that I only did out of conveniency would be okay by me. As long as I had that person.
Now for my list of complaints...
Why wasn't I accepted into the music program? I didn't realize how deeply it truly cut into me. I love to create. I love to be. When I play that song, sing along, sketch that idea, I become alive. I can vent, I can relate, I can somehow express what goes on in my life. I can demonstrate how I feel by those means a lot more than speaking to a psychologist. I can barely talk to one of my dearest friends (who, by the way, psycho-analyzes me). I feel like she knows this side of me the most and yet it isn't fully grasped until she reads these posts. I know that you can ask God, but sometimes the answer is 'no'. But if that's truly the answer, then why in the world did He give me these talents? Why did He give me these passions? Why did He create me in such a backward way if I wasn't even meant to go down this path? I knew I had confusion about all this, but reflecting on it further made me realize that I had frustration from all of this as well. It makes me feel sick and causes me to become immobile. I honestly don't feel like moving because I'm so dizzy that I don't know where to stop. I imagine that this is the most inconvenient time to have a meltdown, but one can only bend so far. An egg can only withstand so much pressure before finally cracking.
I want to be my very own, personal, unique, genuine me. I don't mind being different, in fact, I love going against the crowd. I want to live by what I feel is moral and what I feel and know in my heart that is right. The only problem is my heart is still fighting with my head, and so my whole body and soul become like dark clouds wrestling within each other.
Dear God,
If I don't get to pursue music here on Earth, if I make it to Heaven, would it be okay if I sing with the choir? Please?