Okay, fine! I'll say it!!! But honestly, I can't believe that you'd say it either. Two issues. Just great. The song I'm listening to right know just explains everything: "Confusion in my heart."
First Issue:
Honestly, I can't say any names because I made a promise, but I have this tendency to be really good friends with a guy, until I find out that they like me, or until I realize that I like them, and it always feels as though things get awkward between us, and I just don't like that. I've been getting better though, I hope. I'm working on it currently, so at the same time, I'm using this as an opportunity. But seriously. Everything was going great, and then you tell me you like me. Initial thought? "Wait, what? No! This wasn't supposed to happen! I'll only end up pulling away!" Truth is (and no, this isn't one of those Facebook things) it's finally dawning on me so much to the point that I can't fight with myself anymore about it, but hey, the first step to fixing the problem is admitting that you have one, right? So here we go. The truth is I have a bad tendency to run away from love, despite my hopeless romantic side, I give myself a brutally honest reality check to prevent myself from getting "hurt." It never truly works though, I still feel emotion. Come to think of it, that's exactly why I AM a hopeless romantic. Hopeless. I never expect anything to happen, and yet a secret part of me I guess always wishes for it, but once it's in the process or I can see where it's unfolding, my entire being puts up a red flag and I kill whatever it is that could possibly happen through subtle means. I'm like my own murderer when it comes to stuff like this. I haven't told you how I feel because personally I've never even thought about you in that way. I don't know how to react when you tell me over the phone that you hope you get to see me. I don't even know what to think...of anything in fact. I'm just trying to be honest, but I really don't want to become reckless with my honesty. Everything here is sworn to secrecy, so naturally I'm not telling you what happened, I'm just speaking of my after thoughts. I thought to myself "Well, maybe this is a passing thing?" and three weeks later, well haha. It's okay though, like I said before, I should see this as a great opportunity to see things through a different light. :)
Second issue:
Really? This really did just happen. I guess being in college has given me some support to my backbone, because I can't believe that I was able to hold my own (with so much help from GOD though and Our Lady of Perpetual Help) when talking to you. How long has it been since we've talked like this? Oh late night phone calls about silly metaphors that reveal the reality of the seriousness of things...I actually kind of missed that, but this time I was glad to be an active player. And so the game continues, but what happened this time was that the player got played. How do I feel about this? Well, he got a slight taste of his own medicine, but I didn't realize how devastating the effects could be to the poor man. So in reality, I feel bad. The good thing is, I finally resolved (or at least I thought I did) everything before this happened. I say 'I thought I did' because despite everything that's happened and the fact that I was able to come over it, doesn't mean that there are still tiny fragments left mixed with a compassion and the fact that we've been friends for so long, and the fact that "I bet you don't even realize what you do to me" kind of thing. My truth to you is, I really do care. I miss you so much, and every once in awhile my thoughts go back to those days, those little things I guess you could consider "our moments." However, the hurt has given me a bit of classical conditioning, and even though I know we're supposed to "forgive and forget" I'm fully aware that one can fully forget but still have a subconscious feeling of avoidance to prevent getting hurt again. But I really do want you to know, and I wish you could just hear me out and understand as I feel that now I'm just trying my best to desperately scream it out to you. You are beautiful and you are handsome. You have a purpose in life, I don't know what it is, so don't ask me, but you have one, I know you do. I just want you to be happy. I want to see you smile and hear your laugh again because despite all that you've put me through and still put me through, I'm so glad to have met you and even more happy to have known you. I want to get to know you more, because I want us to stay friends, keep in touch, you know? I don't want a goodbye. I may never see you again soon, and that cuts me deeper than you think. You think no one cares, and that you're better off alone and that you've never really been the "people type". I personally don't give a crap as to whether or not your a "people type" I just want you to be happy (even if that means taking a bulldozer to your one-person revolving door and winding up getting arrested for it) If it makes you happy, then it's worth it in my opinion. I do know though, that giving up and throwing your life away isn't the answer. It never is. And, neither is running away. If you constantly run away from your problems, you're going to be spending the rest of your life running away from that thing you want to avoid, and it's just going to come back and haunt you forever. You can't let things get you down, no matter how hard it is. I know you. You never back down to a challenge, that's just not your style. You're so much better than this. Please don't give up. If you do, you're not only letting yourself down, but all of the people who believe in you as well. Please. I'm tired of having that one spot in my heart that you occupy full of tears. I don't want to cry anymore. Please be happy.
Mother Teresa said that the biggest poverty in the US is loneliness, and I know that this is true. 100%