I don't know what words there are to say. Every time I think I have something worth sharing, I counter those thoughts and cancel everything. To be honest, being here reminds me of all the conflicts that I've felt, reminds me of all the dreams I once chased, and for some reason I find myeslf doubting a lot of things and thinking about other things as well. Why is that I feel more steady about things when I'm out on my own, compared to when there are people around me? I feel terrible, because it makes me feel like I'd rather be alone than surrounded by so many people who love me. Actually, I'm not used to having people around because it's just become too much for me. It's like as if I can cope better in life with a bunch of people who share my same beliefs but who don't know me as well compared to people who think they know me well but I know for a fact that we don't share that same connection with God or even aspire for it. They just look at me like I'm crazy or smile and think "Oh, she's so cute. She doesn't know anything." I really hate that. I feel like I have to defend myself, and at the same time, whenever I get together with my friends here, and I tell them about where I am now, it seems as if they can't grasp where I'm coming from, and it frustrates me. I am different, and I guess what we discussed one time in my AP English class in high school is that if you are different, you have no choice but to walk it alone. The weird thing is that I would never have expected that I would be standing alone in the place I refered to as my home. I feel a stronger sense of belonging at FUS, at least, spiritually. Here, I still somewhat belong I guess, with the community, or at least, that's what I tell myself. Here's another issue I have with myself. I just can't express myself at all through words and actions. I guess I'm gradually getting better at working on my actions, but the only way I can express anything though words is if it's written down in some sort of way. It's freaky really. I used to use my music and art, but for some reason I feel as though not being exposed to my creative side and not using it enough as I'd like to is stifling my abilities. And I guess, with the growing absence of this, everything else has been gradually shutting down. Like I said earlier, I've been trying to post something on here, been trying to express all these different thoughts and emotions on here, but I just haven't been able to have them stick around long enough for me to express a complete well, anything really. It's like things become initiated, but then not followed through. It's as though I'm leaving myself hanging.