Hello.

I don't exactly know how I'm feeling today. I just want to be alone, in a secluded place where no one can find me, and I can just rest. That's all I want right now. Some privacy. A place to rest. Somewhere where I can just cry, where I know it's safe to cry, and where I know I won't be found. It's making me feel sick, I feel sick. I didn't realize how much I've been killing myself. I'm so foolish for thinking I can keep going on like this. I'm ready to be finished with school, but I don't know if I'm ready to stay at home for an extended period of time. Well, that's how that goes.

Just tune out the world. Please, stop talking. Can I just let my mask come off for awhile? But, you can't be here whenever that happens. That's something I wish to face alone, so you can never see me that way. So you can never see me at a time when I will be sad, scared, or crying. Just let me be for awhile, you don't have to always be by my side. I like people, but I need space too. I hope you'll understand that.

I can feel my stomach churning in all different directions. I want to cry, but always something holds me back, and I can't identify with it. I can't identify with a lot of things about myself, lately. Where is my duty? Where is my heart? I don't know anything anymore, and I don't know why I keep fighting for something that I know I don't love. Okay, so maybe this is a sign? If that's not right? Then what is right for me?

I feel immortal, by Tarja. That's the perfect song for me right now. For some reason, I can absolutely relate to it. Only in my dreams. My dreams are so much better than this world that I'm forced to live in. I don't understand what I'm being called to do. You wouldn't let me do something along the lines of what I thought I wanted to do, that was denied. Now, I'm struggling just to survive with what I thought was my other option. I wonder how the ones who wanted me to do this are feeling? What's really hard is that I feel as though I failed them. How can I face them now? What's left for me to give? What's left for me to take? What's left for me to do?
How can I escape? What happened to those walls? Some were broken, and now I'm hiding behind the remains for survival. Destruction. Why did I let my guard down? When you feel cut off from everything but God, what can you do? Follow Him. I know this much, but what about everything else that should come after ward? I hate thinking about it, and if He's telling me what I think He is, then the majority of what I'm doing now isn't correct with His future for me. Whatever, it will be okay. I just have to believe that.

Wow, it's been awhile since I've just rambled and complained. Thanks for listening. :)