So, something interesting happened today. Actually, a lot of interesting things have been happening lately. But, I'll definitely share my newest thoughts.
I was talking with two of my friends and I was discussing how I haven't actually decided which track to go into with Psychology, whether it be the clinical or the experimental track. In addition to this, I am also a Pre-Med student (kind-of sort-of, pretty much). Well anyways, back in the day, I wanted so desperately to be something that involved becoming submerged into my art and music. I wasn't so sure of myself, but I knew that I just wanted to dive right in but felt that there was so much holding me back. I was willing to do it, I was willing to trade the world to do the thing that I loved and had a passion for. I was willing to lose myself into ridiculous hours and continuous practices that would last forever and forever, and be completely satisfied. I was willing to be judged for my creations and do my best to perfect them.
I guess now that time has past, and I am older and hopefully a bit more wiser, I've come to realize some things, which I'm surprised it's actually come to this. God works in strange ways. Like, why did He bring me here? And once this happened, why was I not accepted into the music program for this University? It truly did tear at me. The deal I finally was able to strike with my parents in order to get an audition was that if I got into the program, I would go forth in it, but if I didn't get in, I'd have to do pre-medicine of some sort.
So, here I was. My freshman year of college, as at first undeclared but now a Psychology Major/Pre-Medicine. The majority of my classes was more-so on the pre-med than on the psych for this year. And I guess you can say, I was more frustrated and upset with everything than happy about it. I remember crying a lot because of everything that's been happening, because not only did I have my own problems, but that my friends around me became involved in a bunch of stupid drama and a lot of things were happening back home. I found myself withdrawing from my current group of friends in need of space, and I would have a hard time talking/communicating with my family without getting frustrated and ending the conversation because I had to study when in reality I would be crying in some corner of the universe where no one could see me. I began struggling in class and stressed about everything that my body actually began to literally malfunction. I remember being in my anatomy lab when we had to test ourselves for certain things, and all of the tests should have came out negative, but for me a few of them came out positive, so much so that it concerned my professor and she said that next week I should retest myself and if it's still positive she would recommend me to a doctor. Basically, last year was fun and yet there were some down sides to it. It wasn't all horrible, I actually enjoyed some aspects of it, there was a lot of good that happened too. I remember talking about how I don't think I want to be pre-med anymore and that I might drop it. I was going to wait and pray about it over the summer and hopefully I would become more certain with some things once fall came back around and I would pick it up from there.
Well, now it's my sophomore year. I'm bringing things back to the present again (haha). When I was discussing with my friends today which track for me to go into for psychology, one of them asked me "Oh yeah, whatever happened to what you wanted to do with your art and music?" To be honest, the question caught me off-guard, as I was thrown back into my supposedly "ideal" world that I had for myself. After giving it some thought, I guess I really did make some reflections during the summer that would reflect on my life again. As I gave this person my answer, what surprised me is my own sincerity and sureness in telling this. I said that I've thought about it, and I've discovered that I wouldn't want to be in another classroom setting, having to follow someone else's guidelines for what determines art or music. When it comes to art and music, those are forms of expression, so it wouldn't make sense to build it upon what people tell you is considered art and music and what's considered not. I guess under certain circumstances, it would be good to have little guidelines here and there, but eventually you have to break out in order to make it your own. I've also realized that if I really do what I really love to do for my profession, I might become more concerned about the extrinsic factors (i.e. money) rather than intrinsic factors (i.e. my own personal enjoyment from doing what I love to do). Which means that eventually I would dread what I would be doing because I would find myself doing it for all the wrong reasons. To be honest, this thought was amazing in that I came to this conclusion, and frustrating at the same time because I knew that this would be true. I do feel better knowing that God spared me from this fate, so I can continue to do what I love to do for all the right reasons, even if it's not going to end up being my profession in the future, it doesn't mean that I'm going to give up on it and quit it. I also feel kind of weird and sorry because of all this confusion I've had and frustration with God and I guess impatience because I had no idea why He would give me these talents and this love and end up not allowing me to go further into it. It really is true. He's got it all under control and even though He tells you "no" it's actually for your own good. Even if you don't believe it.
I'm just so thankful and apologetic at the same time and later I definitely need to stop by the chapel.