Well, it's one of those terrible nights that I can't sleep. I have so much ranting and I know I'm so behind with updating and blah. Trust me, I have two potentially awesome posts (I guess) that I had written awhile ago, but I just haven't put them on here yet. I'm currently typing this from my upgraded smart phone as we speak. I'm hoping that maybe if I bable enough, I'll finally get my bbrain to stop going a mile minute, and my emotions to stop going haywire alongside my rushing thoughts. Seriously. I don't know how to deal with anything. My resolves are pointless and I am a total weakling. I don't know where to begin. I have so many things that irk me, so many things that I want to go home to, so many things that I don't even know how to feel about. I will say this though, I'm ready to go home. don't get me wrong, I love being here, but it's just getting to the point of everything being too much. I'm terrible in that I'm so conflicted becuase the awful truth is that I want to push people away, but I can't. But, what also happens sometimes is that I want to be close to people, but then I end up pushing them away. Sometimes, I really don't like myself. I'm always in this constant push and pull within. I hate it at times. Well, most of the time. I don't even know if these tears are wasted. I still struggle with failure of expression. Even though I'm an extrovert, there are still certain topics of discussion and certain things where I am still so painfully shy. I hate talking about things when I'm forced to be open about it, which is probably why I can be more comfortable talking about serious things with people who I barely know. It's almost as if the closer a person gets to me, the farther away I make them. I bring people close just to push them away,and others I bring close becuase they're far away. I have no idea how I have friends sometimes. Even though I'm okay on the outside, whenever I'm alone sometimes I still find myself crying becuase of the pain that I would get from a person...even when most of the time, the person would have no idea how upset I am. Sometimes I do sit and wonder if I actually have psychological problems or if every person has weird conflicts like this. Then some other form of my consciousness looks at my entire thought process and is just like, "okay hold up. You're being really stupid right now. Just look at yourself. Yeah." I don't know. I desire for eternal peace of mind, but I feel like that would only be granted to me once I'm dead.