For an English Translation:
http://www.kashigasa.com/silent-siren-stella-lyrics.html
I guess I just forgot. I forgot how nice it was to just be with you, to laugh at everything and nothing at the same time, to just be myself, and to love you. I can't believe I almost let those thoughts get to me. The foreseeing of what's to come. Four years of not being able to see you every day. Four years of being away from you. All the painful "what if's" that could happen in those four years. Last semester, I had to adjust to what life was going to be like, not getting to see you as much as I'd like to. A lot of time you saw me last semester, I was upset. What can I say? I missed you, and I was being selfish because I knew you had a lot of things to do, but I couldn't help feeling lonely, and then feeling bad for whatever time you had with me. I saw that you were so busy and that you had so much to do, so I figured "why should I bother? I can't spend time with him. He needs to be productive anyways." and it hurt. It hurt so much being so lonely, because the friends that I usually have to fall back on were also busy or on the other side of the world for the semester. I guess it's true. My favorite color, the color of my personality, the color of my scarf, the color of a lot of things that I own actually. My color must truly be purple, because purple is the color of terribly lonely people. My Anatomy and Physiology professor even felt bad and said to pray for those people who love the color purple, because they are so very lonely. I remember thinking that was funny, but I guess reflecting back on a lot of different things, I guess I am pretty lonely. I just cover it up by finding a way to realize that I can be perfectly fine without anyone and learn to occupy myself with so many things and learn to lose myself in things that I do so that I don't have to worry about realizing how I actually feel.
I caught myself doing the same thing this semester. I decided to join prayer teams, to spend so much time with so many friends, to not focus on how I feel and to just vent about everything and anything to God. I knew you were going to be even busier this semester than last semester, and so I figured that this was good practice for me. It was good because not being able to spend time with you because you were too busy or the timing was just inconvenient is something that I would have to get used to anyways. I mean, you graduate this year. Then there's next year without you, then graduate school for who knows where for me. Whenever I started getting lonely from missing being with you, I would just occupy myself with those things, including forcing myself to do school. I thought things were going great. That I could finally cope with everything because I had the fits and the fights last semester, but now that I'm surrounded with friends who actually make a point to spend a lot of their time with me, I can handle it. Now that I'm doing what I sincerely felt called to do, join prayer teams, I am able to be okay.
And then, it started to happen. I realized whenever we ended up spending time together, it wasn't like before. Don't get me wrong, it was nice and everything, but it became so routine. We agree to meet somewhere, say our hellos and tell each other a shallow version of how our days went. Then we agree to study together if the situation allows it. I would see how much more at ease I could be with just friends and how open I could be with those friends or even the acquaintances I've made through prayer teams compared to the time I would spend with you, where it seemed that productivity was the only thing that mattered. Even on the weekends, when I used to think that they were reserved for us and when we could spend an entire day together, faded away. I knew it was fine though. You had to get so much done, and it is your last year. You have friends you want to hang out with who you may never get an opportunity to spend with ever again. You have to go home to take care of things and spend time with your family as well, because I know that they miss you a lot. I understand that. I understand all of that.
I'm pretty sure that the moment I became aware of the subconscious walls was during my class, Spirituality in the Helping Professions. He gave a case study of this wife who just surrounded herself with church activities and focused on deepening her relationship with God as a way to get away from and not think about her dying relationship with her husband. My professor clarified that seeking a deeper relationship with God is always good, but not when it's to cover up and escape and run away from your problems. God is supposed to help you face those problems. I had an eye-opener moment and started reflecting on my life and realized that was in a way what I was doing. I was trying to see where I was with my boyfriend and trying to see where I was with God, and as a result of that my spiritual journey took a step back. I struggled for the balance, and as a result, I felt as though I was tending towards lukewarmness, and that started to bother me. I was being knocked out of my routine that I worked so hard to keep at because I knew that it was for the better for myself. I wasn't able to keep up with my devotional prayers or if I forced myself, I was unable to pray them sincerely from the heart. Then I guess that effected everything else. Sleeping habits, eating habits, even taking full care of myself properly. I mean, I could still function, it wasn't that dramatic of an alteration, but it was enough of an alteration for me to notice and to be concerned and unsteady.
And then, one of my good friend broke up with his girlfriend, who so happened to be one of my best friends. No one saw it coming. Whenever I was comforting my best friend (the girl), she kept asking all these questions that I was trying to help her figure out. One thing I've discovered about my good friend (the guy) is that he's a very futuristic-oriented person who realizes that friends come and go. He also doesn't know how to deal with long-distance relationships and tends to over-analyze and over-think things and fears the unknown and sometimes runs away from things if they're too stressful. Unfortunately, there's a little part of me that's very similar to him, but I'm usually able to drown out the thoughts that come from that side with other things. But, I can't help realize that all the possibilities I could come up with for why he broke up with her were very very similar to possible reasons why I would think it would be best to break up with my boyfriend. I feel terrible knowing that I've contemplated this and even more so that it came to the point where I didn't completely get rid of those thoughts. I mean, my way of thinking was: "whatever path I ended up choosing, whatever pain that I would have to endure, and if I would end up going down, I wouldn't want someone that I love so deeply to go down with me. Also, the thought of four years of long distance. I wouldn't want him to go through all of that hurt. Imagine what he could accomplish in those four years. Imagine how much more he could do, without me. If I called it off now, it would save him so much hurt. Yeah, the initial break-off would hurt. It always does. But then, he could hate me. That's fine. He could blame me for everything and say that it was all my fault. He could even regret me, as much as that hurts to say and even type about. But then, he'll learn that he can be just fine without me, and then he could move on. He'll find someone new, because he's an amazing man and I know that he has a long line of girls just wishing that he would give them the time of day. His suffering won't be long, and he'll forget about me. He'll be happy. He could be happy, without me. And knowing that he could be happier without me, will be enough consolation for me. I wouldn't hate myself too much for breaking it off if he's happy." But for me, I know that I would most likely just revert back to how things used to be inside. A locked door, and within that door, still several walls, and within those walls, an eternal winter. But then, I listened to everything that my best friend had to say. All the hurt she's experiencing and what she firmly believed and depth of connection that she has for him, and that has helped me realize that all those thoughts are just illusions. I almost let my fears and doubts take over. I was even praying to God asking what would be the best direction to take concerning my romantic relationship. Those thoughts would come to mind, but I would still hold on to this vision I had randomly while praying at the chapel. I firmly believe it was God, because it wasn't a dream. It was so quick and it felt as though I was actually there and I had such a strong conviction of what I saw and what was happening and how happy I was after the initial "what just happened?" moment occurred. I'm so glad God convinced me to keep hanging on.
I was also so grateful for the sacrament of Reconciliation. I mentioned the step back I had taken in my spirituality and the priest told me that the great thing is that I've taken this step so I can get back up and try again. And I took that to heart. I tried. I kept up with my devotion, daily Bible readings for Lent, actually genuinely enjoying being with my boyfriend. But something was still off. I still felt that my prayer was forced, and I didn't like that. I wanted to do all those things because I love God and wanted to do those things out of love of Him, not because I just felt it was my duty to. The Festival of Praise (FOP) did wonders for me. While praying for this upcoming Festival, as a member of the prayer team, we had to pray for what it is God wants the theme to be. A word that came up to me was "hope" and then when my boyfriend asked me and I was telling him about it, I thought of "newness" and had an image of budding yellow tulips for some reason. I didn't think much of it until my meeting, where everything made sense. It's so funny because it's the message that was given to me as the theme for the FOP, but it was also a message that I so desperately needed. It's even funnier because the prayer team that I was assigned also needed that same message, and even people who came to us asking for prayers. Then, last night, during intercession holy hour, I was given a scripture verse that I knew was a personal message for me.
1 Peter 1:22-25
"Since you have purified yourselves by obedience to the truth for sincere mutual love, love one another intensely from a [pure] heart. You have been born anew, not from perishable but from imperishable seed, through the living and abiding word of God, for 'All flesh is like grass, and all its glory like the flower of the field; the grass withers, and the flower wilts; but the word of the Lord remains forever." This is the word that has been proclaimed to you."
And that was just one of a lot of little affirmations here and there that all is well, and that I should still hang on, and that I would be ridiculous for thinking otherwise.
