I think I'm craving intimacy. I miss my person and listening to cute music that puts me in "extreme missing him" mode and looking up cute pictures of couples makes me miss him, but at the same time it's like it provides some type of consolation. Unfortunately, there are things that aren't exactly cute on the interwebs that kinda freak me out but I sometimes stare at in fascinated, curious, horror. There are things in life that I wish I could just unsee, or unhear, or unfeel. Liking people that I wish I didn't, hearing things that I'm better off without, and seeing things that I wish I was never exposed to, or at least not yet. These things that I wish I could undo, at the time I thought I wanted to know, or experience what it was like, but honestly, sometimes ignorance really is bliss. It makes me want to just turn away from everything and run to the innards of my soul in hopes that I can escape.

Now that I've been traumatized, I want to heal from that. I'm not going to run away, but rather I'm going to vow to not do that ever again. To avoid it. Dying to oneself has always helped me and I think that's something that I need to work on again. Things really do get harder as time goes by. Maybe it is better not knowing after all. Being in a state of innocence isn't a bad thing. It's like it protects you from all the things you're just better off not knowing.

So, I'm going to bring all that I am. Purge out the bad. Gut myself. Clean out my insides.

I'm too tired to think now. I need to be vigilant. I need to be on guard. I need to guard my heart. For the sake of my body, for the sake of my mind, for the sake of my soul and all the love that comes with it.