Have you ever wanted something so badly, that it scared you how badly you wanted it?

Everyone has their own personal struggles, their own personal battles, their own personal sins that they wrestle with every day.

I just want to be close, to be wanted, to be loved. I think I may have mentioned it before, but I learned that people who like the color purple tend to be very lonely. However, I think that loneliness manifests itself in different ways, depending on the person. I also learned in one of my psychology classes that you can never get enough of what you really don't want or need. I feel a need and a desire to be with someone, and trust me, I have someone very specific in mind, but because of where I am in life, I must do my best to restrain myself. I thought that I would only have to restrain myself around him, but I also have to do so even when I'm alone. Thoughts can sometimes be an intoxicating thing. Me fantasizing about different aspects of our relationship and what could become of it and so and so forth could possibly hinder the actual relationship.

Everything is already so awesome now. In fact, the real is so awesome that at times it seems unreal. I don't want to ruin that now or in the future because of me picturing what it would be like, and then getting disappointed when it isn't like that. I just want to enjoy every step of the way. I love the thrill of dating and I plan on carrying out to the thrill of marriage, to the thrill of children, to the thrill of growing old together, etc etc.

I need to stop fantasizing. I need to stop letting my curiosity get in the way and just trust in God that everything will work because He brought us together, so He certainly has a plan. I think it's just difficult because of my natural fallen nature. Despite that though, I don't want that to be some sort of justification. I want to continue to strive for holiness. I don't want my sins to take me over and I don't want to become addicted to what I see, hear, or read about in regards to the hook-up culture of today. I don't want to be pressured into anything, whether that pressure come from an outside source or from within myself. I just want everything to happen naturally.

Therefore, this is going to be my accountability. From this day onward, I will do my best to not overly fantasize in regards to my relationship with my boyfriend. If a thought enters my mind, then I will do my best to dismiss it and not let it linger and dwell on it. I will absolutely not rely on the internet and all of its endless possibilities to satiate my curiosity or my need for intimacy. I will turn away from images, sounds, actions, etc that will just contribute to the void that builds from not being truly satisfied. I refuse to settle for instant gratification.