Asexuality
What Is Asexuality?
Asexuality is a common mental disorder among female high school students and church-goers that destroys all romantic and sexual desire in a human being. This is commonly known as “having no soul.” Asexuality is often caused by the hilarious delusion that one will be “innocent and pure forever.” Some psychologists believe that asexuals were traumatized by listening to the Jonas Brothers and being brainwashed by public schools into something called “abstinence” and wearing purity/virginity rings. They state that parents telling them that the opposing sex and any form of touching is “bad” and “makes God cry” is a probable factor as well. Other psychologists say, “I dunno.”
A documentary about asexuals was broadcasted over the Animal Planet called “Asexual: The Soulless Heap of Meat.” During the filming of the documentary, scientists discovered unique behaviors of the asexual: what they call “studying,” “doing homework,” and “abstinence” (obviously things that human beings don’t do).
The asexual is also known for certain degrees of hypocrisy. Many scientists were astounded to find out that asexuals often wear skirts, as if they’re trying to attract someone. It is theorized that this is actually a sadistic behavior. It is common knowledge that a girl who looks cute in a skirt will often attract what they fear most, a male. After attracting this male (who most likely has a soul, except if they’re a Boy Scout) and agreeing to date them, the asexual will deny any form of touching such as holding hands or kissing. After a certain period of time, the male will become mentally unstable and resort to animal cruelty and pornography to release his everlasting frustration. The same theory is applied to asexuals who wear tight pants and any other sort of somewhat revealing clothing.
The asexual is a creature similar to that of a vampire or zombie. They feed on the souls of the living and the misery of males. They usually rip out your soul by becoming close friends with you or just biting you. Once an asexual bites you or calls you their “bff,” you’re pretty much done for, and you’re considered as one of them. Soon you’ll begin to “study” (which is preparing for a school exam), “do homework” (a massochistic behavior involving doing math problems, short or long answer questions as well as multiple choice questions). After that your frequency of masturbation and romantic thoughts begin to slowly decrease until they no longer exist. So in order to prevent this, you must make sexual allusions and/or jokes to keep them at a certain distance. But if you realy want to fuck with them, describe sexual intercourse (make each act as obscene and funny as you can) and they’ll shriek for help and possibly go into a coma. However, in order to kill an asexual, you would have to display affection (it works moreso if you’re a male). Cramming one into a woodchipper works too.
Common Asexual Habitats
• High School
• High School Choir Practice
• Conventions (mostly for Star Trek and anime)
• Missionary Trips
• Youth Group
• With Groups of Other Asexuals (to avoid being made fun of and to feel like their lack of a sexuality is justified)
• The 700 Club
• Childrens’ Programming (commonly Spongebob Squarepants)
• Small Quantites of Normal People (in hopes of destroying their souls to morph them into asexuals as well)
Treating Asexuality (The Very Few Who Are Willing)
Although there is no real cure for Asexuality, psychological and psychiatric professionals have treatments. Though willing patients are extremely few in number and consist entirely of unfortunate people who were just bitten, we like to think it counts for something.
A common treatment of asexuality is showing the patient sexually attractive photos to slowly create human desire. However this treatment usually doesn’t work because the patient often tears out their eyeballs after the first therapy session.
But we believe the best form of therapy is to remove the purity/virginity ring from the patient. They need to know that their delusions of being “innocent” are entirely vain and false (but funny nonetheless). Afterwards, the patient is strapped down to a chair with their eyes clipped open to view slideshows of arousing pictures. If the patient is showing signs of progress, they’d view similar slideshows but without being strapped down as much. The asexual will then begin holding hands with a male until they are able to do so without screaming bloody murder or trying to gnaw her hand off.
Common Asexual Fears
• Males
• Sex
• Love
• Any Form of Skin-to-Skin Contact
• Being Touched
• Males
• Lesbians
• “Vulgarity” (commonly known as “fun”)
• Any Form of Physical Contact
• Sexual Allusions/Jokes (no matter how funny they are)
• Males
• Provocative Clothing (though they often wear it themselves)
• Being Called “Pretty”
• Being Called Sexually Attractive In Any Way (common nightmares consist of a human with a penis telling them that one day, they’ll lose their virginity)
• Males
• Anything With A Penis
• Males
• Non-Virgins (Males)
• Non-Christians
• People Who Are Bad Influences (commonly known as “fun people”)
• Males
• Anyone With A Sexuality
• Realistic Television Programming
• Television With Males
• Television With Sex
• Television With Males Having Sex
• Good Music (usually what isn’t the Jonas Brothers [bands consisting of straight males])
• Males
• Playboys (Uber-Males)
• Males
• Super Males (Genetically Enhanced Males)
• Ultra Males (Extremely Genetically Enhanced)
• Giga Males (Holy Shit)
• Cursing
• Provocative Music (music with any possible controversial lyrics or melodies, especially music with soul as the asexual doesn’t have one)
• “Bad” Thoughts (What We Call “Desire”)
• Males
How Do Asexuals Reproduce?
The first asexual was created in a laboratory as an experiment gone horribly wrong. The anonymous doctor couldn’t stop the monster he created from becoming his “bff” and biting schoolgirls, transforming them into other asexuals. The process of transformation worked its way worldwide. Asexuals were making hopeless victims their “bffs” and eventually persuaded them into a horrible, ancient curse known as “abstinence.” They were eventually given purity/virginity rings, an evident sign that an unlucky child was bitten and transformed into one of those soulless meatbags.
But since asexuals are scientifically considered to be living organisms, how do they reproduce? The age-old question has been answered. Over a number of decades, asexuals have learned to reproduce by budding just as sponges do. After all, they’ll remain to be virgins for the rest of their lives so they had to figure out a way to reproduce (besides biting unexpecting people). Today, politicians predict a series of horrible events they call “The Asexual Apocalypse,” where everyone will be wearing purity/virginity rings and “do homework.”
Some people fear “The Asexual Apocalypse” so they’ve begun to barricade themselves in their own homes to prevent themselves and their families from being bitten.
Abstinence
During the mid-twelfth century, dark wizards were angry at the church for forcing them up into the mountains. They were throwing a few ideas around like something they called the “Black Death,” but they came up with something much worse.
To really get back at those pricks in the church, with the help of Hades, they created the terrible curse we know today as “Abstinence.” This dreaded magick would decrease and eventually stop sexual and/or romantic desire in women all together.
At first the men of the church were baffled and angered by how they’re women weren’t “in the mood” on a constant basis. Their first idea of “curing” their women was beating them with sticks. This usually worked on other things like being too fat or not being able to birth any children. But the mens’ trusting sticks didn’t work this time. So they simply bought much bigger sticks with shiny metal spikes. They couldn’t strike their wives with these (since they figured that one blow would tear someone’s face right off), they figured the mere sight of these things would put them back “in the mood” again, but to no avail.
Sooner or later the church found some way to blame this phenomenon on Satan. They figured that with enough good deeds done around the village it might reverse what happened to the women. Again, their funny attempts failed miserably. So then they went to exorcisms (which was basically more beatings but with holy water and prayer). After so many senseless beatings failed to exorcise the demons, it was another hilarious and vain failure. Then the men of the church hypothesized that perhaps one beating after another wasn’t the answer to curing their women. So they turned to medicines. However, the “medicines” that were cooked up did absolutely nothing, so they just went back to constant beatings.
But shortly afterward, they decided to do something even more stupid. They thought the curse would be lifted by starting Flagellantism. This is where they would walk in large groups from town to town, whipping themselves to somehow atone for their sins. However, scientists discovered that this act actually made God even more convinced that the human race was a mistake and that he should just destroy the Earth right now. Sadly, the dreaded curse of Abstinence still lives on today, in many high school girls (especially those who are Catholic). But luckily, people stopped being so stupid about it and just had complete mental breakdowns instead of beating the asexuals. 91 percent of asexuals agree that this change over history was for the better and the other 9 percent said, “Screw men. Even though I never let guys talk to me, I know they’re all stalkers anyway.”
Asexual Statistics
• 78.46 percent of Catholics are asexual (While 21.1 percent are denying homosexuals, 0.44 percent are bisexual and the remainder is straight).
• About 57.82 percent of asexuals dress like total tramps (usually consisting of slutty pigtails, skirts that go down to their high-security crotches and revealing tops).
• 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999998 percent of asexuals are female. The male asexuals aren’t considered as truly asexual since they actually have an extremely slight interest in females. However, their interest only consists of female asexuals and the sad part is that it’s within their own intention to date females with no human desire. So we simply call the males “douchebags.”
• 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999997 percent of asexuals are white.
• 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999997 percent of asexuals are chalk-white.
• 82.334 percent of asexuals are Catholic, 10.6 percent are Baptists, 0.066 percents are Atheists and the rest are Pagans.
High-Security Crotches
At the birth of every asexual child, the beings that spawned it (commonly known as “parents) create a force field around the little meatbag’s vagina and summon Pillow-Pants (the pussy troll) to hide in the girls genitals to prevent her from having pre-marital sex. If somehow the male were to figure out the counter-curse to break the force field and try to take her virginity, Pillow-Pants would bite it off milliseconds before insertion (fucker).
More paranoid, dried up “parents” would also include a microscopic battalion of pussy gnomes to guard the evil barrier. The gnomes are easily destroyed with large quantities of fire but somehow this plan always backfires. The pussy gnomes guard the barrier using spears and sulfuric acid to keep the penis at bay.
However, no one is entirely certain how to kill Pillow-Pants. But fortunately for the male sex one has been successful by luring out Pillow-Pants by almost penetrating the asexual, dodging the son of a bitch’s razor-sharp teeth and ripping him out of the vagina, to later crush him to death with a television set.
There is also a mouth troll to prevent kissing, named Listerfiend. But rarely any parents summon this creature, despite how dried up and boring they are. Listerfiend is basically like Pillow-Pants but bites out the tongue of any males who dares to try any French kissing. But keep in mind that just because this little prick is a mouth troll, it doesn’t mean that he won’t bite off a penis too.
Only four males have encountered Listerfiend. They tried defeating him but none prevailed. Each brave soul to encounter Listerfiend ended up in the hospital for having their “appendage” bitten off and having a blood-gushing stump where the rest of the “appendage” should be. Scientists in the military promise males around the world that they’ll find a way to kill Listerfiend in the next four years.
