It's been a really long time since I updated. I wish I did before, but I've been feeling happy, and yet down. I don't really understand what I'm feeling; my family's so confusing sometimes. Maybe I should feel lucky for even having a family... But sometimes I want to feel pain. Pain's the only way I know that I'm alive really... Maybe none of this makes sense but I hope you guys understand me...
My sister, well, she's like a biological sister that hates me because I stole "her father's" love away from her. Her mother and my dad divorced when she was about five and I don't know how long later but, my dad met my mom and married her and after a year they had me. When I was in the fourth grade, my sister transferred from China to live with our family. A family of three suddenly turned to four.
But I know that she never thought of me as a real sister, which makes me kind of sad. I love her, I really do. She's like an angel, guiding me through life and explaining things to me. I thought she loved me too- truly, dearly- like she's supposed to... it's only after a short while that I learned the truth. That the only reason she's nice to me is because she doesn't belong in this family; because if she's not nice to me she can be kicked out in a matter of seconds... because my dad told her that I'm her real sister so she has to be nice...
At first I didn't believe it, because I thought love was supposed to be unconditional... But then I remembered, when she first moved here, everything looked like it was on fire for some reason. She barely glanced at me and pretended my mom was her mom and our dad was her dad and that I didn't exist. After a while she started being nice to me and, because I was gullible, I truly thought she changed because she loved me for who I am...
I feel sad knowing the truth and I wish I never knew the truth...
School was okay, except for some people who hate me. I never did anything to them though... and what made it worse was that one person who hated me suddenly wants to be my friend all over again, because apparently "she never hated me". But I don't believe that she never hated me because all the mean things she did can't be erased and because I gave her one too many chances.
I got hurt because of her. (I'll call her neek in this entry...)
The second person, who's the neek's best friend now, hates me because I called her my best friend before. She doesn't like it when people do that, apparently. But I don't know what the problem is. I have a lot of best friends. To me, a best friend is just someone I can trust. I trusted her, but she hated me.
Neek used to be my best friend in sixth grade, but that changed for some reason. I wasn't good enough for her. Neek's use-to-be best friend was my best friend in first grade. (lets call HER fifi) Fifi's nice, really. But she thinks I stole Neek away from her, but the truth is, Neek ran to me when Fifi was being mean to her. Fifi lost her own friend, like she lost me in second grade when she decided "she didn't want to be my best friend anymore and she needed more space so she can make new friends"
To me, friendship is more than just a word. It represents so much more. Loyalty, trust, happiness even. Can anyone explain to me why some of the most important people turned on me??? It's not fair...
I remember in the same year Neek became my best friend that my best friend (lets call her KiKi) decided she didn't want to be my best friend, that she wanted to join the popular group (part of which Neek's best friend now was in). (this was before I became neek's best friend) I was heartbroken when I found out the real reason I was left alone at lunch and why she barely glanced at me when I waited for her after class. I wasn't good enough for her, she wanted to be known.
My mind was crowded those few weeks and I felt like the air around me was closing in, suffocating me. I was ... sad. I can't put that feeling into words... When she came back to me a while later, I refused to be her friend anymore. And guess what she did? She cried! It was unfair to me that she cried. Everyone thought I did something, when all I did was reject her the way she pushed me away from her. She was the one who didn't want me around, I wasn't to blame. Or so I thought.
Everyone thought I was to be blamed because KiKi never told anyone the truth- she only told me the reason she didn't hang out with me. I told someone, but that someone didn't believe me. And then Kiki started sending me mail and because I was mad, I started cursing at her. That was wrong of me, but I wasn't cursing AT her, I was cursing at the words I was writing. She knew that, because I never called her a b.... fill in the dots... I called some things fu..... stupid and ... it was sad... she was acting nice in the messages and I later found out it was because she wanted to forward the message to someone else so I looked like the bad guy.
I felt like the bad guy too.
But that didn't stop me from ignoring her for the rest of the school year.
In seventh grade, Fifi is still my friend, although she has found a new best friend. I was left alone for the most part in the beginning of the year, but I started hanging out with people who I thought were alone. (there were only two, and the second one became my best friend) I let the first one go after I saw how she blended in with my group of friends instead of standing at the side alone.
The second one became my best friend because no matter what I did, she never openly talked to the group. I liked her a lot too, she was like someone I knew in another life. But sometimes she misuses my trust and asks me for money, and to give her things I hold dear to me. I accept whatever she asks, because I'm afraid of what would happen if I didn't. It didn't seem fair to me, but I'm glad she's my friend.
I'm still fighting for her because one day, I know I'll let her down. Because I had let all of my best friends down before, even if they let me down first. My best friend already let me down by asking me for money and using my trust like that... But I can't let her go, not now.
I wish life was as simple as manga. The ending's always sad, or happy. I wish there were days I could live happily, or even sad. I just don't want to be confused.
I hate being confused.
I wish... that someone could save me...
