Reflecting.....

So last weekend when Savannah and I got into it a little, she went and said that it was NOT okay for me to talk about my frustrations from her to other people. I guess that's "backstabbing" but I did not say anything mean, but she was told otherwise. It was a stupid misunderstanding and very very immature of a grown woman getting involved in two 16 year olds business. Honestly. Im now in the tenth grade and when I was in elementary school, I was a huge bully. I lied so I could fit in, I hurt people (emotionally) so they'd stay friends with me, because I was that desperate to have friends. That desperate to not be alone. But I have turned around and changed that about myself. I don't do any of that anymore, but I guess that my friend (who isnt my friend anymore) of 8 years told her otherwise. She had told her that IM a liar and always have been. First of all, that was YEARS ago! YEARS! Honestly. And being that we were friends for so long, she knew I changed! How immature! But I don't plan to sweat it all that much. I know it bothers me, and I won't deny that, but Im not going to go off and cry and throw a fit and start more drama. Anyways, the other night Savannah and I were talking about art. I told her that I am not very artistic anymore. I used to write a ton of poetry and draw a ton of pictures and cartoons, but I just havn't the past year or so. I told her I guess that part of me has somewhat died. Then she went on to ask if that was my ex friend's fault. I told her this "I would like to blame it on her, but honestly, I don't know why it turned out that way" and she had told me something that made me REALLY think about myself and what's been going on. She told me that her friend (my ex friend) always blames all of her psychological problems on ME! ME!!!! Honestly, grow some f***ing BALLS!!!!!!! And she also said that she liked that I didn't jump the gun and go ahead and blame it on her. I have a life other than my ex friend. I really do. I don't CARE what she does or doesn't do. I just have to constantly hear about it all of the time from Savannah. Savannah always says things about her friend and I always agree and I say "Yep that's how it is/was" and some of the things I hear are just so pathetic. I never think about my ex friend anymore unless Savannah brings her up, but from what I hear, she can't get my name out of her GD mouth! It's quite funny. But anyways. My current facebook status:

Just own up to your problems. No one in specific, but anyone. You can hold on to a grudge for a very long time. Some people hold on to them until the day they die. But WHY put yourself in the position where you are suffering by holding a grudge against someone who doesn't even care. WHY go around telling everyone and their mothers that it's "so and so's" fault for not having enough self-confidence, for getting your heart broken or being betrayed. In some way or another we have all been hurt but continuously blaming it on other people instead of just dealing with it or saying 'Hey, I have/had a problem, but I am going to change that and become a better person" is just going to put you in a dark place. It honestly feels good not to care so much. It feels good to drop it, because that's weight on your shoulders that nobody needs. NOBODY.

TODAY!...well...and last night. Haha.

OKAY so today was pretty amazing. But it all started last night around 8. I worked an 11-7 shift and it was pretty terrible. Not the shift but because I was very sad and upset and just plain old sick of everything that has been going on. After work I met up with a friend who I met through church. We went to Perkins and talked and talked. She had good advice for me, and I had good advice for her. Well mostly. I took her to Walmart and home so she didn't have to walk and so she had stuff that she needed. I treated myself to some sexy underwear and some bath rock things that supposebly releases tension and stress. It was a very big struggle trying to get out of her driveway because she lives in an apartment and there were cars everywhere and I almost started crying because I didn't want to hit one!!!! I got home and got into the bath tub right away. I was in much need of being clean and relaxed. I used those rocks and WOW were they nice. I spent an hour or so in there and it felt GOOD. I shaved (what girls usually shave) and I just felt so good. Haha. About everything. I got out and just laid in bed watching anime until I fell asleep. Popotan<3. Haha. I slept so amazingly!!!, too!! The only few times I woke up I fell right back asleep again. I woke up feeling refreshed and great! I was about to watch The Notebook but my mom came home and asked if I wanted to watch The Bodyguard with her. The movie with Whitney Houston in it. It was soooooooooooooooooooooo good.<3. Then we went shopping so I could buy a bra to go with my sexy underwear XD (yes that's what I call it) and I found one but I was way too embarressed to buy it so I made my aunt do it (IDK). I got home and just relaxed. Then I decided to dress up a bit (even though I wasnt going anywhere). I just wanted to feel better about myself. And I did. I took pictures with bunny ears on ^-^. Now Im laying in bed relaxing some more hoping that tomorrow plays out just fine. I just broke up with my bf/Tyler. I figured that if I wanted to get anywhere, I needed to be single. I don't believe I ever wrote about this (but I could be wrong) but I have such strong feelings for my ex. I did before I dated Tyler. It wasn't right being with Tyler feeling the way I felt about my ex. And not only that but I need to be SINLGLE! I need to be solo. SOLO SOLO SOLO!!! lol. I just need time for me like I did this weekend. My friend last night told me that I shouldn't be with either of them. That I need to be single. And I agree with her so much. I knew that the whole time, but I needed someone else to say it to make it actually real for me. Right now Im listening to Adele. God I love her. She totally deserved all those awards she won. <3.

So farr...

Well it looks like I am a "traitor" according to Savannah. But it's whatever. Im extremely TIRED of trying so hard to get people to like me. So for now on, you get what you get. HERE I AM and if you don't like it then get over it. Im not going to stop living my life for anybody. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT BECAUSE IM GOING WITH OR WITHOUT YOU!!! I am so SICK and tired of childish drama! I really am!! It's very stupid and I hate it so much. SO for the people who are deciding to turn on me, SCREW YOU AND SEE YOU THE **** LATER!

Anyways. I got that all out. I finished Baka and Test and Samurai Champloo. I started Popotan and it's cute. Im on episode 7 out of 13. So that's good.

What Now?

Well Im not sure where I went wrong, but everything is getting very very chaotic. Im slowly losing my friends. And not only that but I am a very trusting person, but Ive been finding it harder and harder to trust anyone anymore. Im hurting and stressed out. And it doesn't help that I work everyday next week except Monday and Tuesday. Days have just been getting harder and harder to get through and I don't know what to do anymore. I thought everything would be fine up until today when I realized that my friend Savannah was upset with me because of lies that were told to her by my manager at work. So that was "dandy".... Then my other two friends act like they dont want to be by me so I sit with my friend Devin and my ex. Who will be leaving over the summer for college. I feel like Im falling apart. I thought I could handle having no friends, but I don't think I can.

What's Going On?

I feel lied to by one of the only close friends I have. I know that something about them doesn't feel right. Im not panicking or freaking out like usual so I don't think it's paranoia. And my other friends are starting to be bitter towards me. Im not entirely sure what to do, but what I do know, is that I could live without having close friends...but Im too scared to. I just want to break away from a social life so I don't have to put up with inconsiderate jerks who hate themselves and everyone around them. I don't want to put up with liars and people who just live to hate. Right now, Im just trying to fake it through the rest of the year. If that's what I got to do then that's what Im gotta do. Just to last the rest of the year.