Clean Room&Energy Drinks

Well regarding my last posts, I feel like things are starting to get better.. Although I am still feeling disconnected with everyone. Now that I think of it it's almost like the book Winesburg, OH. I think that's how it's spelled. I feel like one of the characters, unable to connect and communicate with anyone. Thinking about it even now really gets to me. I tried really hard to yesterday and no matter what I do or what I say I feel like there's no progress-even if I did make a little progress. I feel like a slug. Sounds sick 'cause slugs are slimy and gross (but oddly cute XD). I have had more time to think about things today, but I ended up finally finishing my room which kept my mind off of a lot. Now here I am sitting here with nothing to do with all these thoughts floating around my stupid brain that never wants to give me a break! lol. I'm just really hoping something good will start coming out of everything, because no matter how many times I try to scream out for help, nothing but silence comes out. Then I get angry at the world wondering "why..why won't you help me" but they can't. They can't help me if I can't speak out and tell them what's wrong. I hardly know what's wrong myself. I feel like I'm back to square 1 in seventh grade again and I don't even want to bother talking to my family-or anyone about it because I know that even if my cries for help do reach someone, there's nothing they can do to help me anyways. I don't mean to sound extremely depressing or anything, I'm just trying to get my feelings out. It's much needed since it's all flooding to me after hours of not thinking about anything. lol

Anyways, I got my room clean and it's really nice. I still have a lot and I still feel extremely cluttered, but I already got rid of 5 bags of stuff throughout the cleaning process and it was hard enough doing that so I figure by the time next year comes around I will dwindle away to only the stuff that I really need/want. lol.I also drank an energy drink which was a poor decision because I really don't take those very well. I got really sick from it and I only drank a third of it. XD. How pathetic! Why do I even try drinking those damn things?? It's like taking drugs or something. My body just doesn't take them well AT ALL. I'm thinking I'm about to go play animal crossing to just relax.

Sunday Funday lol

Lately

I feel like I haven't gotten around to writing much lately. This past week has been pretty stressful for me. I feel like no matter who I am with, my friends, my family, Brandon, I feel like I am miles and miles apart from them emotionally. Almost like I'm on a whole different level and I'm unable to connect with any of them. I feel like no matter how much I reach out it doesn't work. I then get discouraged and frustrated to the point where right now I don't want to be around anyone and would rather sit alone here in my room. Although at the very same time all I want is to see Brandon..and get a hug from him. It was really a choice I made not to see him today because I figured I could clean my room and get the time I needed to gather my thoughts. I feel like I have gathered them and gathered them as much as I could/can but yet here I am still feeling so lost and helpless. Hopeless.

Through all of these ridiculous feelings, I have some good news. I got a job this week and then today, I took my AP Euro test on WWI and the Russian Revolution. I was extremely worried about it because I haven't been doing so good lately and wasn't feeling confident. I did spend a good hour and a half doing the terms and objective worksheets he gives us to help us study thinking it wouldn't pay off but figured it could help me atleast a little. As I was taking the test I could feel my heart start beating faster as I felt uneasy about the answers I filled in. Overall I thought it was easy but everyone else said they thought it was hard. THAT made me even more nervous because I always bombed the ones that I believed to be easy. I checked and nearly had an anxiety attack waiting for the screen to come up only to find out that I got a 100% on it! He did curve it. He took 10 points off, but I don't care I got a 100%! lol :D Yay!

Torn Apart

Alright, so Friday...I got engaged to Brandon. Everything with him feels solid and good. Which is great. But I do have to say that I feel like it initiated some pressure on me for growing up. I still feel like a kid, I don't feel ready to grow up yet. Don't get me wrong, I want to be engaged and some day be married to Brandon more than anything but all of it led to some painful decisions. I don't believe that it was neccessarily the cause of any of it, I just feel like it started with that. We didn't directly tell my mom and whether or not she put two and two together is beyond me but he and I decided to just tell my dad and my future step-mom, which as I posted before, wants to be more part of my life and vice versa. Anytime I am talking to my father and he brings up getting closer to me, wishing he was part of my life more, wishing we were closer, and all that jazz... My dad mentioned that he and Brandon and I all need to sit down and talk, but mostly just me and my dad. He isn't giving me much information on whatever it is, but it's driving me crazy...the thought won't leave my mind. It keeps reoccuring and reoccuring. Like the ticking of a stupid clock. I really want to go for my spring break, but I doubt Brandon and I will get jobs before than.. and my mom wants us to before we go. That's only a month away. So I really hope we can figure something out. I want to get this emotional crap out of the way with my dad and more importantly I want him to meet Brandon before he explodes out of sadness that he doesn't know the man that I am engaged to. He seriously supports me though, he may not agree, but he supports it. I get so emotional and I almost break down. It's so hard, because I miss him so much and it's been incredibly hard without him being here. I got by, sure, but I think life would have been easier if he were in it. So much could have gone differently. Right now being a junior in high school and being 3 months away from being a senior and almost 6 months away from being an adult, I'm faced with all of this future stuff. College, moving out, job, etc. I need to find out if I will still be under my mom's insurance when I turn 18 and I need to decide whether or not I want to move out when I turn 18 or after the second semester of school or just wait until school is out. I know that is somewhat far away, but I always have this need to feel prepared...to know what I am going to do. To have some sort of plan..

Why am I torn apart? Well...let me tell you now.

My dad is really pressuring me to move to Des Moines, Iowa with him. Where I was born and spent a lot of my time when I wasn't here in WI in school. We went to visit almost every month, no joke... I keep telling myself and everyone else that I don't want to move to Iowa, that I don't want to go to school/college there. I don't want it, but to be honest I do. I want it more than anything. I am completely torn apart because I can't even begin to imagine leaving my mommy...my grandma, my sisters...everyone... I don't know if I could do it. Then there's Kaylee, I don't want to leave her...at all. And I know Brandon said that where ever I go, he'll go, but that's not fair to him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to leave WI, and I don't blame him. Why would he want to leave his family? I know that I don't want to leave mine, and leaving his family might as well be leaving that part of my family, too. I just really miss my father and I really want to fix things between us (even though he's the one who needs to be doing the fixing, quite honestly). I miss him so much and I don't think people really get that. It seriously breaks my heart and I am seriously trying to recover from the spontaneous sobs that arise when I think about it, especially when I'm alone. It's horrid. I don't even know how to handle this, it's such a big, grown up decision. lol. Obviously, I know I'm not going to go, but it's something I do want. It's better for me here, though. Maybe someday, if it's in the cards for me, I could move there and be closer to my dad...maybe. Right now I just want to run away from everything. Because on top of all of this shit with my family, I have to deal with school. My english teacher is playing favoritism...and is nit picking my grades and it's taking a toll..a HUGE toll on my grade and is bringing my GPA down...and I don't want that shit on my transcript for college... That's so stressful, plus my AP class grade is crappy too. I really need to step it up. Then today, my computer applications teacher bitched at me for spacing out and writing in my notebook when I knew what I was doing. I went home early, I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready to take on the day. Not one bit. Brandon snuck over to see me. It relieved a lot of stress being able to see him, but it was hard when he left because I knew the second he left everything would fall apart again. Like now for instance, I'm in my room secretly bawling my eyes out. Yay. <-- sarcasm.

Emotions Out of Wack.

Last night before bed, I got really sad and down and started to miss Brandon very much after he had dropped me off. I pretty much cried myself to sleep-why? I don't really know. But I ended up waking up every so often then falling back asleep. I got up extra early and tossed and turned until I could fall back asleep. I only fell back asleep for a good 10 minutes until I awoke again. So the morning wasn't very good. I had a feeling it was going to be a really crappy day. I got to school and after I got into my first hour class, it wasn't too bad. Everything seemed to have been going good other than the fact that I couldn't get Brandon off my mind and all of the remediation I had to do for AP Euro. Brandon picked me up from school/and Hanna and we went to my house so we could take apart my bed and put the new one in. Things...felt intense..and I'm pretty sure we were on eachothers nerves. It was very uncomfortable for me...I don't know. After I did my homework I got hair dye to dye my hair black. The only people who currently know is Brandon and my family. Tomorrow shall be interesting as far as the comments that will be made. No one else's opinion really matters, except Brandon's. Which was a negative opinion, although most of my life that's what my hair color has been. Black. I guess he really doesn't like it, but I don't really know what to tell him because it's my hair-my choice. He gets that. I just don't think he gets to what extent his words hurt. I appreciate his opinion, but it really lowers my self-esteem for him to sit there and stare in dismay..lol. At least that's what it sure as hell seemed/looked like. Then I got anxiety from a mixture of many different feelings and situations, but I pushed through it...with Brandon's help. Right now my eyes are getting really heavy. x_x. Bleh. I need to sleep.

Just.A.Day

So today I didn't really do anything exciting in school. And I like how my mom decides to tell me to take my dog out every single mother****ing time I go on here to write. So annoying. Unbelievably annoying. I'm not even going to bed yet so she's stupid. Anyways, I found out I have to remediate on a test I took and got a D- on or else I'd be refered to the CRC-a special study hall that's pretty much like a prison for students who don't care about school. I have been rather excited/anxious about Brandon...wanting to make a bigger commitment. It was on my mind all day. Kaylee knows just about everything while I know very little. So there's going to be an element of surprise, and quite honestly, I hate surprises. I get all flustered and crazy about it. haha. But it's okay, I think I can handle this one. After school, he picked me up and we went out to eat. He paid, even though I felt bad because he paid. But I guess since he wanted to I shouldn't. IDK. lol. Well then we hung out and I met his uncle who was really nice. I love being with him, he really is amazing to be around and have fun with and just lafdlkjfald. He's great. :)