Everyday that passes that my ex best friend is no longer in my life, I can find qualities in myself that I never knew I had or payed any attention to. Even though conversations evolved around a lot of what I had to say (because she was always the quiet one), a lot of the situations evovled around her. I tried my hardest to always help her. I really did, but she was so pesimistic that it began to grow extremely exhausting. Anything I had to say no matter mattered, even if it was to encourage her. It started with a situation with her dad and then lead down to problems with her mom's boyfriend and then her sister being diagnosed with ADHD and what-not. A lot was always going through her head and anything I said wasn't really accounted for. I know she cared somewhere in that head of hers, but she let her problems control her life way too much. Because of everything that had happened she didn't want to take risks, she didn't want to speak her opinion, and she never did anything agaisnt the grain ~ opposite of me. Since I have always been in the spot of trying to make her happy and trying to fix our friendship, I've never really paid any attention to me. I'm not going to lie, I talk about myself and what I'm going through a lot, but I always give room for other people to talk and I always try to give my best advice and share what I have gone through and hope that it may help them. It came to the point where she stopped talking about her problems and anything like that to me. So I just talked and talked not ever knowing what to say anymore because she never had anything to say back. That's when everything began to tumble downhill, I think.
Since she and I broke off our friendship, I feel more confident in myself. I'm not even sure how or why, because I've always been more confident than her (even she will admit that) and more bold. But now I feel powerful and great. I know this sounds mean but some days in class, I just look at her and feel pity for her. She's so caught up in what everyone things and what everyone says about her that she doesn't ever dress the way she wants. She doesn't ever do the things she wants to do. She never goes agaisnt the grain. And seeing her so shameful like that makes me feel really good. If that's mean, I'm sorry, but it really does. I don't have her anymore telling me I'm not good enough. Telling me that she always thought she was smarter than me. More decent than me. More clean and well behaved than me. She didn't always directly say that to me, but she always acted like it. "Well atleast I've never had s3x." "Well atleast I never failed a test".......But this year, my grades are all A's and B's and I have one petty little C in stupid geometry. xD. Who's stupid? Well, I am...in geometry XD. NO, a C isn't too bad. It could be worse. *shudders*
Right as the swirling pit of fighting and hate started, I learned from our friend Savannah that she never wanted to hang out with me. She never wanted me to hang out with the 2 of them. One day, Savannah was talking about how excited she was that she and I were going to hang out after school and go shopping (for HER BIRTHDAY/CHRISTMAS present) and she turned around and looked at Savannah and told her to shut up and not talk about it anymore or she'd slap her. IDK WHAT THE HELL I DID WRONG TO HER TO START WITH!!!! I know I'm not perfect, in fact I am NO WHERE NEAR perfect, but who the hell is? But she never told me what I ever did to her to deserve to be left out and treated like complete and total crap. Honestly. So that's why I decided that this friendship wasn't even worth my time anymore. Not one single bit.
Even though I feel really lonely in school and no one really gets me due to my different and strange interest (well strange to them), I am glad I made the choice to end the friendship. I have so much going for me. I am working really hard to have great amazing grades and working hard at work to save up for college and other responsibilities that have. And again, this may sound mean, but while I'm out doing all of this, there she is being pampered by her family. Almost $100 everytime she babysat. She said she doesn't want a fast food job, because "it's not for her". Well suck it up, sunshine, because the world isn't dedicated to you. Not every parent saves up money for their kids to go to college. Not every parent buys them all of their kids' clothes, shoes, games, ect. So keep it up, Mrs. "Im resposible and I work hard". Let's see how far your family babysitting gig and mommy dearest buying you everything you want will get you in life, because it's not going to last forever. Maybe lifting a muscle and doing some labor will do ya some good!
LOL Omg sorry. Now that's out of my system I just want to say:
"I LOVE YOU LIFE!"
