So today didn't go as great as it was supposed to go. I hate my situation at home sometimes, but I know that it could be worse. But I've been struggling with depression/self-harm since 2006ish. I haven't hurt myself in a long time, but it still crosses my mind quite frequently. Thanks to my mom, I have learned through her not to really show my feelings or cry in front of people. It's extremely hard because of that, because they don't understand what I'm going through. The only way to express my feelings were to cut or bite myself. When I was younger and I was upset I used to bite myself, and then it just upgraded to cutting. I don't think upgrading was a good word choice. It made it sound like it was a good thing, but that's not what I meant. Anyways, once they found out, my mom just threatened to take me to a mental hospital. That was it, never "it'll be okay" or any way to help me get through it, not like I cared, because without cutting, what would I have? My sister always got the attention. Always. She was always the one crying and the one getting babied. And now that she "wants to kill herself" she is getting all of this attention like it's so much more important than when I was slicing the shit out of wrists/leg/ankle. I know that you should always take suicide threats seriously, and you know, my sister concerns me too. But it just hurts a lot that they never ever treated me the way she did her. And as of late, I've been feeling extremely pushed down so much. Between school and not having very many friends (which no one understands. Not even my best friend because she has so many other friends) and not being liked and then feeling like crap at home because of my self-centered sister. And I am not exaggerating when I tell you self-centered. Christmas eve is tomorrow and I want to burn the present I got her. She doesn't deserve it. And she has this dog, Montana, who she calls stupid and smacks and screams at, and no one ever does anything about it! Like seriously! And she calls herself an animal lover! I'm just torn up in so many ways, and I needed to get it out, and this was the way. Because I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to go that route, because it is an addiction. It's like an alcoholic faced with alcohol.

I'm sorry for this very depressing topic, right before Christmas..