Alright, so Friday...I got engaged to Brandon. Everything with him feels solid and good. Which is great. But I do have to say that I feel like it initiated some pressure on me for growing up. I still feel like a kid, I don't feel ready to grow up yet. Don't get me wrong, I want to be engaged and some day be married to Brandon more than anything but all of it led to some painful decisions. I don't believe that it was neccessarily the cause of any of it, I just feel like it started with that. We didn't directly tell my mom and whether or not she put two and two together is beyond me but he and I decided to just tell my dad and my future step-mom, which as I posted before, wants to be more part of my life and vice versa. Anytime I am talking to my father and he brings up getting closer to me, wishing he was part of my life more, wishing we were closer, and all that jazz... My dad mentioned that he and Brandon and I all need to sit down and talk, but mostly just me and my dad. He isn't giving me much information on whatever it is, but it's driving me crazy...the thought won't leave my mind. It keeps reoccuring and reoccuring. Like the ticking of a stupid clock. I really want to go for my spring break, but I doubt Brandon and I will get jobs before than.. and my mom wants us to before we go. That's only a month away. So I really hope we can figure something out. I want to get this emotional crap out of the way with my dad and more importantly I want him to meet Brandon before he explodes out of sadness that he doesn't know the man that I am engaged to. He seriously supports me though, he may not agree, but he supports it. I get so emotional and I almost break down. It's so hard, because I miss him so much and it's been incredibly hard without him being here. I got by, sure, but I think life would have been easier if he were in it. So much could have gone differently. Right now being a junior in high school and being 3 months away from being a senior and almost 6 months away from being an adult, I'm faced with all of this future stuff. College, moving out, job, etc. I need to find out if I will still be under my mom's insurance when I turn 18 and I need to decide whether or not I want to move out when I turn 18 or after the second semester of school or just wait until school is out. I know that is somewhat far away, but I always have this need to feel prepared...to know what I am going to do. To have some sort of plan..

Why am I torn apart? Well...let me tell you now.

My dad is really pressuring me to move to Des Moines, Iowa with him. Where I was born and spent a lot of my time when I wasn't here in WI in school. We went to visit almost every month, no joke... I keep telling myself and everyone else that I don't want to move to Iowa, that I don't want to go to school/college there. I don't want it, but to be honest I do. I want it more than anything. I am completely torn apart because I can't even begin to imagine leaving my mommy...my grandma, my sisters...everyone... I don't know if I could do it. Then there's Kaylee, I don't want to leave her...at all. And I know Brandon said that where ever I go, he'll go, but that's not fair to him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to leave WI, and I don't blame him. Why would he want to leave his family? I know that I don't want to leave mine, and leaving his family might as well be leaving that part of my family, too. I just really miss my father and I really want to fix things between us (even though he's the one who needs to be doing the fixing, quite honestly). I miss him so much and I don't think people really get that. It seriously breaks my heart and I am seriously trying to recover from the spontaneous sobs that arise when I think about it, especially when I'm alone. It's horrid. I don't even know how to handle this, it's such a big, grown up decision. lol. Obviously, I know I'm not going to go, but it's something I do want. It's better for me here, though. Maybe someday, if it's in the cards for me, I could move there and be closer to my dad...maybe. Right now I just want to run away from everything. Because on top of all of this shit with my family, I have to deal with school. My english teacher is playing favoritism...and is nit picking my grades and it's taking a toll..a HUGE toll on my grade and is bringing my GPA down...and I don't want that shit on my transcript for college... That's so stressful, plus my AP class grade is crappy too. I really need to step it up. Then today, my computer applications teacher bitched at me for spacing out and writing in my notebook when I knew what I was doing. I went home early, I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready to take on the day. Not one bit. Brandon snuck over to see me. It relieved a lot of stress being able to see him, but it was hard when he left because I knew the second he left everything would fall apart again. Like now for instance, I'm in my room secretly bawling my eyes out. Yay. <-- sarcasm.