I haven't been feeling myself the past several days at all. I keep trying to get myself out of this hole, but it's not working. Right now, all I am hoping for is just ONE. ONE good day with no bad news, no drama, no worrying or stress. None. As of late, that's all I have been doing. Worrying and stressing out. Over the stupidest things, too. Some of the things I were about aren't so stupid and they're the reasons why I'm stressing over the little things! I still feel cut off from everybody. I feel like I can't connect with them. I can be so close to someone, right next to them but feel nothing but coldness. No warmth or comfort. No "oh hey it's going to be alright" feeling. I know that in the end, everything will be alright though. I know it. Whatever happens, it'll be for the best. Everything does happen for a reason and I believe that whole heartedly. Right now, I'm trying my hardest to find what that reason is. Why am I placed in a situation where it feels like my hardships are made into a competition with others' hardships. Placed in the situation where I'm more than just terrified of losing Brandon and simply because I let my mind wander. Because just because we're engaged, doesn't mean he can't change his mind or later on in life decides that I'm not good enough and that he can do much better. Is it the lack of confidence in myself? Lack of confidence in him? I don't even know. I get to see my therapist in a week. I can't even tell anyone how much I'm looking forward to that. I feel like I'm going crazy and that I'm losing myself along with the people around me because my inability to express myself, my inability to get my point across. And sometimes I am so lost that I don't even know what I'm lost about. So when people ask why, I can't even give them a solid reason. Not like they could help me anyways, I feel too far gone.
I just have to keep telling myself that I got through this once and I can do it again. I just need to keep on going and keep on giving myself hope (which right now I'm trying to find some but no luck)